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Ric Flair

EMAIL IDOL

By Ric Flair, in General Chat

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Jimmy2Drags

Jimmy2Drags

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Posted

Here goes then.......

I went out clubbing with a bunch of old friends sometime ago & whilst we were out managed to bump into an old mates ex. After a night of drinking & LSD, we ended up in my gaff & it was obvious what was gonna happen between us so naturally....nature took it's course & sexy times ensued.

After all the fun, I (being a bloke) was obviously tired & passed out for a couple of hours.

I awoke around 6am to find this bird doing a shpiss (that's a poo & a wee at the same time) ON MY FLOOR.....

Unsure if I was imagining this at first, I just looked on. She then wiped her ass on MY SOCK & promptly got back into bed.

I was disgusted.

I cleaned it up of course, scrubbed the floor & went to watch some skate videos as I was to traumatised to be anywhere near this bird.

Scruffy cow.

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General Smuts

General Smuts

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Disgusted that after being ensured access into this inner sanctum i've still yet to be included.

My Paramedic/Tequilla story is legendary and is still yet to have the perfect forum. Fulham with Fez/Alex was close but i fear it needs more of an airing.

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Ric Flair

Ric Flair

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Here goes then.......

I went out clubbing with a bunch of old friends sometime ago & whilst we were out managed to bump into an old mates ex. After a night of drinking & LSD, we ended up in my gaff & it was obvious what was gonna happen between us so naturally....nature took it's course & sexy times ensued.

After all the fun, I (being a bloke) was obviously tired & passed out for a couple of hours.

I awoke around 6am to find this bird doing a shpiss (that's a poo & a wee at the same time) ON MY FLOOR.....

Unsure if I was imagining this at first, I just looked on. She then wiped her ass on MY SOCK & promptly got back into bed.

I was disgusted.

I cleaned it up of course, scrubbed the floor & went to watch some skate videos as I was to traumatised to be anywhere near this bird.

Scruffy cow.

Wahahahaaa

That is a contender, 2drags is could be a big player. You will have to be scrutinised though, can you give several hours a day to the cause?

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Ric Flair

Ric Flair

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Disgusted that after being ensured access into this inner sanctum i've still yet to be included.

My Paramedic/Tequilla story is legendary and is still yet to have the perfect forum. Fulham with Fez/Alex was close but i fear it needs more of an airing.

I must admit, i'm shocked you're not already on the gig. But your opening time hours concern me, you'll be active about 3am when us wild cats conduct our business whilst chasing the yankee dollar.

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Ric Flair

Ric Flair

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FAO FEZ

Ok, well here goes. I'm not sure whether this will be funny, because the actual mental anguish I went through is still with me today and when reading it, you might have to ask yourself why would I put myself through this? But, I am a man who doesn't like confrontation and ends up in situations that he really doesn't want to be in, especially with orrible women.

It's early 2002, I think it's nearly easter. I've had a few eggs. I am 18 and i'm working at Transco (now National Grid) I work on an I.T. Helpline and there's another one up in Newcastle, so we're kind of the same team. We speak a lot, share logged faults and discuss the similarities and differences of Dez Hamilton and Jonathon Stevenson. I started getting a bit friendly with one of the boilers on the phone from Newcastle, had a lovely sounding voice and she were about 24, so it was game on as far as I was concerned. We used to have job swaps, some of us would go up there and some would come down to Hinckley every few months. Turns out this slag was soon to come down, she'd sent me a photo of herself and she looked like it was worth going up her tubes. So I made a subconscious contract with myself that i'd try and do the john if I could. This is where the first problem was encountered. If I decide things like this, I find it hard to go back on it when drunk even when the goal posts are moved (i.e. turns out she's a fookin horror).

So down they came, I had already met a few of the lads before and they were a right good laugh. Anyway, I clamped eyes on this girl, her name was Hellyn, anyone who spells Helen like that has got to be a bit micey anyway. I should have bloody known. She didn't look very nice, but as I said, there was not really any going back as i'd already insinuated to her I wanted to get busy with her when she came down. So we all went out and got leathered the first night they were down, as the night wore on, I convinced myself she was worth a couple of minutes of my time. Ended up back at her hotel, thought it would be a standard shag. Oh no, she was in to some weird shit. She had calves and thighs like Geoff Capes and I found it really difficult to brush her off when she straddled me and started properly biting me. Eventually she'd got her cheap thrill and finally fell asleep so I did a runner and walked down the A5 back to my house, took me about 45 minutes. I am sure I cried on the way home.

The above is more than enough ammunition to never speak to the girl again, I mean, it's not as if I had to see her at work every day and if she ever called me, i'd accidently slip and hang up. So why did I then agree to the invitation of going up to Newcastle to see her for the weekend? I suppose tickets to see Newcastle did raise a brief interest with me, but as for any other positives there weren't any. So off we go to Newcastle, about 4 hours on the train. Dreading it, but in a perverse and sick way, actually wanting to. Met her at the train station, she looked even worse than before. Looked like she'd got herpes or something as well, and there was something else. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on at first. There was another member present with us, a smaller person who was wandering along with us as we looked for the bus to South Shields. Oh yes, it was a 5 year old girl. She'd got a child, she was also recently divorced apparently, lovely then. Oh for fook sake, what am I doing? I'd had about 6 cans of Stella on the way up though, so I rolled with the punches. I had heard a lot of positive press about Whitley Bay so I thought, worst comes to the worst i'd drop the shoulder on her at night when she was at the bar and do a runner down there and enjoy some upper class girls. Her mum and dad both looked like Rab C Nesbitt, but thankfully I wasn't stopping the night there. I'd been booked in at the Travel Tavern as there wasn't enough room for me (Hellyn even paid for me, although to be honest so she fookin should, the beast). I was getting ready at the hotel on my own, or atleast I thought I was on my own when this naked creature appeared in the bathroom as I was about to get in to the shower. It was her, she'd let herself in somehow and thought i'd like some company in a shower, only fit for one, let alone 2 people and one of them being a tank. I'd like to say I didn't shag her in the shower, or shag her at all that weekend but I did and probably in excess of 5 times, i'm not sure whether it was because she'd had a kid, but it was like stirring porridge when I gave her one. Touch the sides? They were about 3 feet away. I feel sick just typing this, what sort of a man does that? Especially given he didn't want to, or claim he didn't want to anyway.

The weekend passed and I got home after a horrendous train journey back. My face was greasy, i'd had to endure the best part of 5 hours next to Mick Hucknall's biggest fan.

Never again, never gonna see that fat trout again. NO NO NO NO NO

May bank holiday

' Alreet? what er ya deein ova the bank olideh? '

' Erm, not really got any plans '

' Champion, i'll come down un see yers then '

' Oh, erm, well, yeah if you want '

What the mince, why have I agreed to this? I've probably already caught herpes and god knows what. Also, it dawned upon me that my mates might actually see this specimen, i'd got away with it the first time as I was out with work when I was molested by her. I met her at the train station, she'd got a golf cap on, it nearly tipped me over the edge. I'd not been as productive in booking her a hotel room as she had with me and infact i'd told her to sort it herself. She booked some dubious guesthouse that I didn't even know existed. I really wasn't in the mood for this, i'd at least been relatively civil when I went to Newcastle, but I was incapable of showing any kind of enthuisiasm or affection. She must have known something was up, but no, she didn't. She checked in to the guesthouse, I said i'd nip home and get ready and come and meet her later, but she insisted on coming with me. OH GOD she's gonna meet my mum and dad, they'll be horrified. Please, please, please don't my brothers be home, they'll piss themselves. We turn up, oh shit, bingo full house. They're all in, I open the door, even the dog shits itself and scurries off in to it's basket. I literally want to die, want to end worlds, be anywhere but here. She meets the folks, and my brothers, I can read what they're thinking, this is horrible. I quickly get ready and get out of the house as quick as possible, i'm so agitated. We head in to town, I need a beer, I need a million beers. I get a text off my brother ' Wahahahaaaaa '

I needed to do something, this couldn't go on. She couldn't meet my mates, there was a party that night, there's no way I could take her there. I'd never live this down, i'd got previous for going through a few 'butter faces' and what not, but this wasn't cricket, not this time. Then I spied an opportunity, I couldn't believe I was thinking it, but this was serious and I needed to step up to the plate and save myself. She had said she was going to meet up with one of our work colleagues for an hour or so, I obviously agreed to this wholeheartedly. When she buggered off, I rang my brother. I needed his wisdom. We met up for a beer, he was still pissing himself laughing. I let it lie, I deserved everything that I was getting. I ran the idea I had past my brother, he looked shocked but liked it, loved it infact and said it was my only option. He'd used this in the past and wasn't shocked by the nature of the idea but the fact that I was willing to use it, the ultimate get out. So I had a couple of absynthe's to pluck up the courage and I rang her.

' Hi Hellyn '

' alreet pet, what ya deein? '

' i'm really sorry, but i've just had some really bad news. My nan has fallen down the stairs and I have got to go and see her. She lives in London though, so i'm going to be gone for the whole weekend '

SILENCE

' you joking me? '

' no, sorry to do this to you. i'm so sorry, but i've got to go. '

I must admit, what I did there is bad and I left the poor girl all on her own for the whole weekend. I was a bit pissed off to be honest, I shot myself in the foot a bit because I also sacrificed my weekend as I couldn't be seen out just incase she was still milling about. So I sat in in my bedroom and hid, even though I knew she wasn't going to find me, I hid from myself more than anything for getting myself in to such a predicament. The weekend passed and when I knew she'd definitely gone home, I celebrated by nailing about 10 Newcastle Browns and chundering.

So there we have it, a fine piece of mess. I'd got away with it though hadn't I? She were none the wiser about my nan and thankfully my mates never caught wind of this whole shenanigans. WRONG.

I forgot to add an incident that took place about 4 months later. I had little to do with the girl after Grandma-gate, even though I think she bought it, we didn't speak on the phone at work any longer and there was very few emails. So once the summer had arrived i'd forgot all about it, was too busy getting myself in other situations to remenisce. Then news filtered through that National Grid was taking over Transco and that some of us would be taking on new roles. There were new job opportunities and a 4 week training course in Cobham, Surrey. I was all over it like a wet flannel, 4 weeks down there on the rip, hopefully a few boilers and what not. ERROR. I get down there, and guess who's also on the gig? Hellyn. Looking fatter than ever, I briefly pondered that she might be pregnant again and i'd have to donkeypunch the bitch. But fear not, it was just greed. Word got round to me from one of my colleagues who was friendly with her that she wanted to 'teach me a lesson' for what had happened back in May. I'd foolishly told a few of the lads back at work about what had gone on and some rascal had let it slip and it had got back to her up north.

I tried to stay out of her way, but it lasted about 2 days before she collared me. I'd got a brand spanking new denim jacket on and she threw a snakebite and black at me, couple of windmills pinged at me and then I ended up shagging her again. No word of a lie. My darkest hour ever. I'm livid as I type this, what a moron.

I knew I had to bail. I wasn't overly keen on the job I was training for either, I wanted to go back and do my old job again, i'd been told we could do this if we wanted to. I called my boss, things had changed though, bodies were needed to learn the new jobs and then teach new staff and only then could we go back to our old jobs. That wasn't on my agenda, not one bit, there was no way I was doing that. So the next day, I didn't turn in. I sat in my hotel room and ordered a porn movie and some salmon on room service on to my team leaders company credit card. There was uproar (not about the porn and salmon, they didn't find out about that until a later date) threats were exchanged from my boss and myself and I verbally stuffed my job up her arse. Problem was, I didn't have a car with me, it was 7pm and I needed to leave very quickly. Transco had been a bit foolish though and paid our weekly hotel allowance in to our accounts to settle before we went home. So I fooked off with about £550 and got the train to London, rinsed the majority of it and woke up the next day without a job.

I felt invigorated though, the shackles were finally off. It had cost me my job to finally rid myself of that fat geordie parasite and none of this was necessary had I have done what most human beings would have done and nipped it in the bud early doors. But what's the fun in that?

Incidently she's got 4 kids now and owns a pub in Gateshead. Let's hope one of those little urchins wasn't born around about the summer of 2003, otherwise i'm 7 years in arreas on Child Maintenance.

I need a lie down after re-living all of that. What a twat.

It's back for anyone who missed it. This is the sort o' shit you're missing out on. They are ten a penny each day as well.

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General Smuts

General Smuts

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I must admit, i'm shocked you're not already on the gig. But your opening time hours concern me, you'll be active about 3am when us wild cats conduct our business whilst chasing the yankee dollar.

Opening Hours are 9-5.15 sunshine.

The only activety ill be participating in at 3am is drinking.

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