The joke thread

[Gold Coast Fox]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

According to Wiki that's the best joke of all time

[Tielemans63]

Carlos Tevez:'I was treated like a dog!'

Not even Harry Redknapps dog earns 200k a week.    

[UpTheLeagueFox]

You can now buy Jordan-themed “wigs” for babies.

They cost £4.99.

I suppose it’s a small Price toupée.

Better gags than that - and some worse ones (hard to believe I know) - in the weekly gubbins at www.randomsillynonsense.com

[fatmando]

Just got a text from the wife, "Where are you?"

"I'm at my anger management meeting."

"How's it going?"

"Not good, I'll fill you in later."

[Dav Fox]

Last night, I took a drink from a bottle of Tipex instead of my liquid Viagra.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction!

[Wherethefoxhat?]

They think of everything at Dignitas

On the morning you are booked in for assisted suicide ,your'e last ever breakfast is a bowl of Cheerios !

[Bilo]

Knock knock.......

Knock knock.......

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock....

Hurry up Whitney, I need a shit.

[Webbo]

Knock knock.......

Knock knock.......

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock....

Hurry up Whitney, I need a shit.

[Mission Unlikely Promotion]

Kevin Costner is devastated at the death of Whitney Houston.

He said "I dont know what happened, i only went for a piss"

[Mission Unlikely Promotion]

News of Whitney Houstons death travelled with such speed

When i heard i couldnt help but crack up with emotion.

She was a real heroin.

Its such a blow.

She really made a hash of things though.

Her life just went to pot.

Someone should have kept tabs on her

[Wherethefoxhat?]

I find having sex in a multi-storey carpark wrong on so many levels !

[Wherethefoxhat?]

Gave my pet mouse a really stong cup of coffee last night .

Well....you gotta keep him on the ball !!

[Fox1651]

I find having sex in a multi-storey carpark wrong on so many levels !

[anotherharboroughfox]

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

[Webbo]

Premature ejaculator,Seeks beautiful blonde female with massive tits, long tanned legs & a waxed........ wait.... .........oh, **** it, it doesn't matter now!

[jonthefox]

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

[Tielemans63]

My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.

I said, "What makes you say that, babe?"

She said, "Well for one, there's this card you gave me for my birthday."

I said, "But to be fair, you've not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow."

[Webbo]

I've bought my epileptic girlfriend a few small gifts for Valentine's Day.

Nothing too flashy.

Edited 20 February 2012 by Webbo

[Narborough_fox]

We were going to go to Paris for Shrove Tuesday, but then realised that was a crêpe idea.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I find having sex in a multi-storey carpark wrong on so many levels !

[StanSP]

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his parter, Ann, listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'It's Homepride, isn't it?'

Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.

[Tielemans63]

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the **** was that? Stop the car, son."

[Raw Dykes]

Not sure if this is a joke or a true story...

A young kid sat in church at a baptism sees the vicar dip the baby's head into the font, turns to their parents and asks, "Why is that man brainwashing that baby?"

[Narborough_fox]

What do you get if you cross a Great Dane with a paedophile?

Schmeichel Jackson.

[Mission Unlikely Promotion]

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his parter, Ann, listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'It's Homepride, isn't it?'

Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.