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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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UpTheLeagueFox

UpTheLeagueFox

Posted
Posted (edited)

I’ve just heard that Leicester City Council are giving free bus passes to the homeless. It seems a very generous and kind idea. But how will they know where to get off ?

The first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane… why the hell were they so excited?

Remember this, music fans. If you download a P. Diddy song, you’re not only stealing from him. You’re also stealing from whoever he stole it from in the first place.

A fat girl came up to me at the weekend and said: “Hi, I’m Anita.” “Damn right you are – I can tell,” was my response.

This kind of shite and much more at www.randomsillynonsense.com

Edited by djwanker
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Smudge

Smudge

Posted
Posted

Wife writes a text to husband at work; "Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife - A few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all"

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted

The police knocked on my door this evening.

"Where were you around 8:05 last night sir?" asked the officer.

"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8 pm to make love."

"That's true," my wife shouted over, "but **** knows where he was at five past."

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FoxyPV

FoxyPV

Posted
Posted (edited)

"Before 2015, because of us there will be: an end to child detention; the first bank levy; an end to huge tax loopholes for the rich; the first elections to House of Lords; an end to control orders; the first coalition government in our lifetimes and an end to the myth that Liberal Democrats can't govern."

Nick Clegg - Part of the the 'I have a dream' collection - 2012

lol

Edited by FoxyPV
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TWITTER

TWITTER

Posted
Posted

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the effin' darts team hadn't"...

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small

knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up

her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects

were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After

fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine.

I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid

of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are

your boobs."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

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