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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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UpTheLeagueFox

UpTheLeagueFox

Posted
Posted

My mate has just sent me a text to say he’s accidentally swallowed some scrabble squares. I imagine that going for a shit could spell trouble.

+++

#OldJokesHome

My wife went over to the changing room to try on a dress.

But she came back and said: “It’s too small, I couldn’t get into it.”

I said: “Never mind, the dress probably wouldn’t have fitted you either.”

Ouch.

+++

I only seem to pull really thick women.

Not one manages to give me her number correctly.

+++

Following a sexist joke I made the other week, the Feminist Society sent me an email to say they now have my home address.

I should be okay because, fortunately, none of the bitches can read a map.

+++

Other lame stuff with daft photos compiled for your viewing pleasure every Wednesday at www.randomsillynonsense.com

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted

"Have you done a sex video with your wife?" I said to my mate in the pub.

"Yeah of course!" he said.

"Me too!" I said. "I've got an idea: when we get home, you send me yours, I'll send you mine, we can knock one out then delete them. What do you say?"

"You're on!" he said excitedly as he rubbed his hands together and hurried home.

That was a week ago. I've not spoken to him since.

Maybe he felt a bit awkward watching me ****ing his wife.

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EnderbyFox

EnderbyFox

Posted
Posted

"That's it!" she stormed, "I can't compete with you and your 80's rock music. I'm leaving you. I've met someone new."

"No! Who is it?!" I shouted.

"He's called Tommy and he's not in the least bit obsessed with Bon Jovi!"

"Tommy?" I said, "He used to work on the docks."

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TWITTER

TWITTER

Posted
Posted

Little girl is walking along the street with her dad, and they see a dead dog with its 4 legs sticking up in the air. She asks her dad why its legs are up and he tells her its so God can pick it up easily when he collects it.

She turns to him and says " Mummy was like that the other day, and if it hadnt been for the milkman holding her down wed have lost her!"

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he

turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow

passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the

total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman.

"How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -

grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a

flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,

thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted

Not a joke but made me laugh. Did anyone else watch tonight's Superleague game between Huddersfield and Castleford? Anyway there was this pearler from Eddie Hemmings the commentator:

"And here now is Luke Robinson who's done really well to get through the whole game so far despite starting the game with a nasty c*nt on his face."

He obviously meant to say 'cut' but the 2 minutes of complete silence in the commentary box after that was priceless.

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AjcW

AjcW

Posted
Posted

Probably old but I like it....

4 nuns have a car accident and all die!

On arriving at the purley gates, go says "you're all nuns, you get a free pass into heaven. Unless however you have broken the vow never to touch a man's penis."

1st nun says "oh, erm, I once did touch a man's penis!"

God says "oh never mind, just was your hands in this holy water and in you go"

2nd nun says "I've never actually touched a man's penis but I did look at one once"

God says "Thats fine just was your eyes with the holy water and in you go!"

Meanwhile a fight breaks out between the 2 remaining nuns over the holy water.

God says "hold on don't panic, you'll all get a chance"

3rd nun says "well I'm not gargling it after Sister Mary Roberts has washed her arse in it!"

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UpTheLeagueFox

UpTheLeagueFox

Posted
Posted (edited)

+++

#CrapJokeCorner

Me: “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.”

Boss: “You have a wee cough?”

Me: “Really, that’s very kind – thanks boss, see you next week.”

+++

Just so you know, the BBC3 show “Sun, Sea and Suspicious Parents” is not a documentary about the McCann’s.

+++

I have a bumper sticker on my car that says: “Honk if you have a small penis!”

Then I intentionally cut people up in traffic.

+++

#EuropeMoneyNews

My mate: Greece’s economy has gone down the shitter.

Me: Surely you mean folded up in a tissue and placed in a small bin next to the shitter?

+++

Other lame stuff with daft photos compiled for your viewing pleasure every Wednesday at

www.randomsillynonsense.com

Edited by djwanker
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broughtonblue

broughtonblue

Posted
Posted

+++

#CrapJokeCorner

Me: “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.”

Boss: “You have a wee cough?”

Me: “Really, that’s very kind – thanks boss, see you next week.”

+++

Just so you know, the BBC3 show “Sun, Sea and Suspicious Parents” is not a documentary about the McCann’s.

+++

I have a bumper sticker on my car that says: “Honk if you have a small penis!”

Then I intentionally cut people up in traffic.

+++

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/blog/2011/nov/25/the-secret-footballer

#EuropeMoneyNews

My mate: Greece’s economy has gone down the shitter.

Me: Surely you mean folded up in a tissue and placed in a small bin next to the shitter?

+++

Other lame stuff with daft photos compiled for your viewing pleasure every Wednesday at

www.randomsillynonsense.com

Love the McCann one

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