The joke thread

[marbelladave]

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take that red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Second Liverpool girl enters the the same shop and asks for a 'soft' vibrator.

The man says: "Why do you want a 'soft' vibrator?"

She says: "Because the hard ones hurt my teeth".

[Danno]

The pope was at a school in Liverpool the other day. One Man went over to him and asked 'could you help with my hearing please?' The pope then put his hands over his ears, closed his eyes and prayed. The Pope then said 'how's your hearing now?', and the man replied: 'Well I don't know it's on wednesday morning'

[Narborough_fox]

My girlfriend left with my satellite TV and my Bob Marley CDs, it's awful. No woman, no Sky.

[1884Fox]

_{This will make you piss yourself laughing..read the reviews at the bottom}

_{http://www.amazon.co..._pr_product_top}

Hahaha this is amazing

[foxfanazer]

I was sitting at home watching match of the day when the missus walks in and asks me if I wanted sex. I said yes but after the footy finishes. She said "you know you can record it don't you?" I said "nice, you get the camcorder set up and I'll be up in an hour when this finishes"

[UpTheLeagueFox]

* Guys. Never ask a woman if they mind you calling them ‘babe’ – especially if you follow it with: “Have you seen the film?”

* I tried to make a donation to the Tourette Syndrome Association but they told me to fucck off.

* Never back a horse to win at 15 to 1. They’re absolutely useless at general knowledge.

More daft stuff at:

http://wp.me/lv9K

Edited 11 May 2012 by djwanker

[Webbo]

The BBC and ITN have decided not to show the whole of Vidal Sassoon's funeral.

They will only show the highlights.

[Tielemans63]

Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape.

She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.    

[Wherethefoxhat?]

A pikey comes home early one afternoon to find his daughter masturbating with a cucumber .

"What the hell do you think you're doing" bellows the father? "I was going to have that for my tea & now it will taste disgusting !"

"Calm down dad ,it's only a cucumber " replies the daughter .

"Who's talking about the bloody cucumber " he shouts !

[MikeyT]

I once complimented Derek acorah on his shirt then punched him in the face. I was trying to strike a happy medium.

[Wherethefoxhat?]

My mate is shagging twins who both like it up the ass.

I asked him how he told them apart.

"That's easy ,he said.....Sally has massive tits and a shaved pussy & Derek's got a moustache and big bollocks !"

[Lamby]

Bloke walks into a restaraunt with a massive salmon tucked under his arm, says to the owner " Mate do you cook fish cakes in here?" the owner says "Of course we do sir!" Bloke says "cook him one then, it's his Birthday tommorow!"

[jonthefox]

Kenny Dalgliesh met with Liverpools owners last night, and was asked to put himself in the fans shoes....so he did,and now he's unemployed.

[Webbo]

The first time I landed in jail I was bummed mercilessly for hours.

My dad takes Monopoly WAY too seriously.

Edited 16 May 2012 by Webbo

[AKCJ]

There once a depressed Frog.

His depressions were a result of the colour of his genitals being bright yellow, this made it very difficult for him to find himself a mate.

So the Frog looked for assistance and was told to go to the Fairy Godmother's house on the edge of the Forest. Here he asked her if she could help him but she replied 'Sorry, dear, I can't do anything to help there. You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz'. So the Frog left full of optimism to the Wizard's house.

The Fairy Godmother's next customer was a Bear. But unlike most bears who had brown paws he had bright purple ones which made it difficult to find a mate.

Once again the Fairy Godmother said that she couldn't help and once again she said that the Wizard of Oz would help.

The bear asked 'Where the hell does the Wizard of Oz live?' and the Fairy Godmother replied, 'just follow the Yellow Dick Toad'.

Edited 17 May 2012 by Andy Kings Crown Jewels

[Zingari]

Dave Lee Travis used to tell that sort of joke every day but i can't remember any off hand

[Reynard Bleu]

One involved a giant the size of three men called Treble who sunk 2 spanish saling ships with his feet = headlines in local paper of "Treble stamps on 2 galleons". (From the days of Green Shield Stamps with petrol).

Edited 17 May 2012 by Reynard Bleu

[Zingari]

Yes that’s the sort of thing, they were all pretty bad but somehow it became a sort of trademark for him.

I remember one about a Norwegian teddy boy who bought some beer from a railway buffet car and spat it out over everyone.

The headline read, “Rude Olf the ted loathes train beer”

Or something as bad as that

[Guest]

I always found DLT depressing and really hated his "sad love story" part and that music with it drives me crazy.

[Rincewind]

Thought that was Simon Bates? Some of those stories were quite funny because of the naffness.

[Guest]

Thought that was Simon Bates? Some of those stories were quite funny because of the naffness.

Yeah you're right.

[Wherethefoxhat?]

I dreamt last night i was enjoying a BJ off the blond one from Abba .

Soon woke up when i felt his beard tickling my balls i can tell you !!

[Daggers]

Has anybody else got a great joke from 1978?

[Guest]

Has anybody else got a great joke from 1978?

Lycra?

[Daggers]

Lycra?

S'better than the Abba one