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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Daggers

Daggers

Posted
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Posted

Yes you Mr Forum Fop......and right fookin clever dick if ever their was one.......... .

You great crashing ,predictable,boring son of a bitch !!!

Just that? I could have sworn I was more...oh well, at least I'm not unfunny, an embarrassment to my parents and dim.

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flowwolf

flowwolf

Posted
Posted

first time.

THE SKY WAS DARK THE MOON WAS HIGH

ALL ALONE JUST SHE AND I

HER HAIR SO SOFT HER EYES SO BLUE

I KNEW JUST WHAT SHE WANTED TO DO

HER SKIN SO SOFT HER LEGS SO FINE

I RAN MY FINGERS DOWN HER SPINE

I DIDN’T KNOW BUT I TRIED MY BEST

I STARTED BY PLACEING MY HAND IN HER BREAST

I REMEMBER MY FEAR MY FAST BEATING HEART

BUT SLOWLY SHE SPREAD HER LEGS APART

AND WHEN I DID IT I FELT NO SHAME

ALL AT ONCE THE WHITE STUFF CAME

AT LAST IT’S FINISHED IT’S ALL OVER NOW

MY FIRST TIME EVER MILKING A COW
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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted (edited)

If I was in an operating room

It would be fair to say

Somebody would tell me

Have faith in God and pray.

But why rely on an invisible friend

To help and save my life

When it’s a surgeon standing over me

Holding the ruddy knife?

Put this in for a contest on Poetry Soup. This was the theme they wanted and this is a poem I have not thought suitable anywhere before.

There was a man named Fred

Who liked eating baked beans in bed

One day when he farted

He and his wife parted

'Well it's quicker than divorce' Said Fred.

Edited by Nightguard
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Orkneyfox

Orkneyfox

Posted
Posted

Queen Elizabeth needed money to pay for the Jubilee celebrations and began to sell off her valuables. The last of these was the Star of India, the most valuable diamond in existence. She went to a pawnbroker who offered her £100 pounds for it.

"Are you crazy?", said the Queen. "I paid one million pounds for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

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Tom17LCFC

Tom17LCFC

Posted
Posted

A motorist is stopped for going through a red light and is asked to take a breathalyser test.

"I can't blow", says the man. "I suffer from asthma" and he shows the policeman his asthmatic's card.

"OK then, we'll have to take you down to the station for a blood test".

"I can't, I'm a haemophiliac, and he produces a doctor's note.

"In that case, it'll have to be a urine test."

Once again, the man produces a card from his wallet, which reads "Nottingham Forest Supporters Club - please don't take the piss"

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Saxondale

Saxondale

Posted
Posted

What is the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One is an australian marsupial, and the other is a geordie trapped in a lift.

I believe I've already posted this but with a Scotsman stuck in a cupboard! It works both ways!

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UpTheLeagueFox

UpTheLeagueFox

Posted
Posted (edited)

Why are there instructions on toothpaste? That’s like putting instructions on toilet paper.

***

Cabbage patches are amazing. In fact, I recommend them. They helped me kick my habit of eating cabbages.

***

I thought I saw the singer Shaggy the other day. It wasn’t him.

***

I’m rather excited. I’ve been invited to the “Masseur of the Year” awards in London. I suspect I’ll be rubbing shoulders with some big names.

***

Other random silly nonsense at www.randomsillynonsense.com

Edited by djwanker
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Bilo

Bilo

Posted
Posted

Cardiff fans are outraged with their new red kit.

How are they supposed to sneak past the bull after fvcking the sheep on a matchday now?

-------------------------------------------------------

I typed 'Hell' instead of 'Hull' into my Sat-Nav.

I still got there.

--------------------------------------------------------

Don't you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?

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Captain...

Captain...

Posted
Posted

Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock

Who's there?

A woodpecker

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