The joke thread

[Zingari]

what time does sean connery arrive at wimbledon?

tennish

[Tielemans63]

My dad asked me if I was going to get help for my addiction to Oasis, I said maybe.    

So England nearly beat France today but France equalised..

Even with Joleon Lescott's goal.. We couldn't Klingon to the lead.    

(Bit harsh that one)

Edited 11 June 2012 by Paddy Akinbiyi

[The Doctor]

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her the Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you the People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call the Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."

[Saxondale]

Joke my youngest brother text me earlier:

Why are many Swedish people blonde-haired?

Because they are Bjorn that way.

[Rincewind]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married..

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

[cambridgefox]

My wife came up to me fuming and said"can you explain why I have found a pair of ladies underwear in your coat pocket"

I said "yes,it's because you are a nosey cvnt"

[Webbo]

Went to the doctors today and said to him,"do you treat alcoholics?"

He said,"of course we do."

I said,"Great,get your coat on I'm ****ing skint!"

[Lamby]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis

[The Doctor]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis

[Head Honcho]

A farmer who wants a divorce goes to see a lawyer, the farmer says "Oi wants to get wan of them dayvorces" Lawyer... "Do you have grounds? Farmer... "Yes, i gots me 40 acres" Lawyer.. "No, you don't understand, do you have a suit?". Farmer... "Yes, oi wears it to church on Sundays" Lawyer... "No, i mean do you have a case?" Farmer... "No, but i got a carrier bag" Lawyer... "Does your wife beat you up?" Farmer... "No, we both get up at 5.30" Lawyer gets annoyed

& tries one last question... "Is your wife a nagger?...

"No, she's a white girl, but the baby's a nagger, that's why i wants a ****ing divorce!

Edited 21 June 2012 by Head Honcho

[cambridgefox]

My wife had a near death experience the other night.

Starting the Hoover up when England were playing.

[FoxyPV]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis

[steveherbe]

A mate of mine was telling me how he took his wife to the doctors to get her tourettes treated. "Funniest thing" he said, "Turns out she doesnt have tourettes - I AM a cvnt and she DOES want me to Fvck off!"

[Trav Le Bleu]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis

Maybe, but it made me laugh. Have a +1 o' alien resident.

[cambridgefox]

J ust got pulled over by a policeman and he said"papers"

So I said"scissors,I win." and drove off.

He must have wanted a rematch as he has been chasing me for fooking miles!

[MikeyT]

Just met Darth Vader's corrupt brother.............. Taxi Vader

Edited 23 June 2012 by MikeyT

[Rincewind]

There once was a couple, called Adam and Eve

Who a little joke they did conceive

They told all, that as they walked

They met a snake that talked

But the plan backfired when it was believed.

Edited 24 June 2012 by Nightguard

[Trav Le Bleu]

A man has been killed in the big cat enclosure today at the Zoo.

It is believed he had under lion health issues.

[Wherethefoxhat?]

Very small fishing rod

Free to a good gnome

[flowwolf]

One day a little boy comes home from school and says to his father " Dad what's a cvnt ? " Where have you heard that word son said Dad ? oh at school said the son.

Right said dad follow me. He took his son upstairs and into the marital bedroom where the wife was fast asleep with nothing on, pulling back the sheets dad said " you see that hairy triangle between mummy's legs ? the boy nodded, Well that's a fanny your mothers a cvnt.

[jonthefox]

If your lover is overweight, then get them to walk 3miles in the morning and 3miles in the evening. By the end of the week the fatf**ker should be 42miles away!

[Tielemans63]

As the fourth goal went in, the Italians looked down at their feet. Tears starting to fill their eyes. They looked absolutely gutted.

They had all their wages on 3-0.

[Tielemans63]

Thanks to 50 Shades of Grey my wifes Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna

[Saxondale]

Craig David has offered his services to Team GBs Olympic effort by teaming up with the archery squad. David asked the gathered crowds down at Olympic Park this afternoon how he can best contribute to the British Archers' medal attempt. The crowd say bow selector.

[skinnydipper]

Realising that he is to be unemployed during the Olympics David Beckham has once again turned his thoughts to money making ventures and expanding the "Beckham" brand.

It has been announced that the Olympic football experience is to be enhanced by the opening of his new Smoothie stand on Wembley Way. It is to be called "Blend It Like Beckham"