The joke thread

[ADK]

I used to work for a guy and all his female employees were named Rachael.

That was until he got sued for Rachael prejudice.

I don't know why but this made me laugh.

[Jaspa]

So, Stalin was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldiers.

One soldier then sneezes in the middle of stalin's speech. Stalin stops, looks around and asks: "who sneezed?" there was no answer.... he asks again and sure enough no one answered - Stalin is now pi$$ed, he doesn't like being ignored, so he gets the first row executed. He asks again, and no one answers... "execute the second row" and BAM the second row is dead!

He asks again... then a little scared man puts his hand up, shaking in fear... "it was me... I sneezed" Stalin turns to him and says "bless you" and then carries on with his speech.

[jonthefox]

So, Stalin was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldiers.

One soldier then sneezes in the middle of stalin's speech. Stalin stops, looks around and asks: "who sneezed?" there was no answer.... he asks again and sure enough no one answered - Stalin is now pi$$ed, he doesn't like being ignored, so he gets the first row executed. He asks again, and no one answers... "execute the second row" and BAM the second row is dead!

He asks again... then a little scared man puts his hand up, shaking in fear... "it was me... I sneezed" Stalin turns to him and says "bless you" and then carries on with his speech.

[Rincewind]

Didn't guess the ending until the little man owned up.

[MPH]

So, Stalin was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldiers.

One soldier then sneezes in the middle of stalin's speech. Stalin stops, looks around and asks: "who sneezed?" there was no answer.... he asks again and sure enough no one answered - Stalin is now pi$$ed, he doesn't like being ignored, so he gets the first row executed. He asks again, and no one answers... "execute the second row" and BAM the second row is dead!

He asks again... then a little scared man puts his hand up, shaking in fear... "it was me... I sneezed" Stalin turns to him and says "bless you" and then carries on with his speech.

[glenny_fox]

So, Stalin was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldiers.

One soldier then sneezes in the middle of stalin's speech. Stalin stops, looks around and asks: "who sneezed?" there was no answer.... he asks again and sure enough no one answered - Stalin is now pi$$ed, he doesn't like being ignored, so he gets the first row executed. He asks again, and no one answers... "execute the second row" and BAM the second row is dead!

He asks again... then a little scared man puts his hand up, shaking in fear... "it was me... I sneezed" Stalin turns to him and says "bless you" and then carries on with his speech.

thats a few seconds of my life I will never get back...

[Jaspa]

I only copied and pasted it off some funny site where lots of people liked it for some reason

Its supposed to be Old and Russian

[Webbo]

Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived

... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

Edited 23 July 2012 by Webbo

[Bilo]

Or wear bronze and have one hell of a night.

[Jaspa]

Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived

... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

Infact 150,000 condoms will be given out to athletes at the Olympics

Do they use them all there, or save them for future use ?

[shasse]

A young nun enters the confession box. She tells the elderly priest she has sinned and kissed the gardeners son.

"Forgiveness comes at a price my child..." He instruct her to place her hand through the gap in the woodwork and to massage what she finds there.

She completes the handjob and complains her hand is all sticky.

"Now twenty hail marys and wash your hands in the font." Says the old priest before scurrying off.

As she does so the old sister approaches her.

"What do you think your doing child?" asks the sister.

"Father has given me confessional and I have to wash my hands in the font." she replies.

" Well," says the old sister, "don't get the water dirty... father says I have to gargle with that later."

[Tinman]

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Edited 24 July 2012 by Webbo

[Rincewind]

saw it and thought not another long joke.. Read the first line and recognised it so saved me from reading it. A good one though.

[thewarmanator]

Michael Lamey is on trial at west ham

[glenny_fox]

Michael Lamey is on trial at west ham

lol

Best one I've heard for a while.... wait... he's telling the truth

[Wherethefoxhat?]

Paddy's racing snail was coming last all the time so he decided that he would take his shell off before the next race .

Mick sees him after the race and asks how his snail did this time . Paddy says "terrible....if anything it made him a little more sluggish !"

I bought myself a blindfold this afternoon.

Honestly can't see myself wearing it though !

[Rincewind]

The Joy Of Irish Sex

THE PREPARATION

Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac - 12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his mind set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he say's himself "the ride".

His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance of me hole then love?"

The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious "Would ye ever **** off!!!".

FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed gyrating with one hand on his hip and the other on the back of his head, singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go"

Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itsel (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ye useless bastard, ye" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman".

Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irishman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth round dis?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go on then", she says "but don't disturb me".

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration.

Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh ****, I've shot me load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in? "Given his level sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big Boy". Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig.

There's no one in the world performs quite like an Irishman - veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

[Captain...]

The Joy Of Irish Sex

THE PREPARATION

Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac - 12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his mind set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he say's himself "the ride".

His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance of me hole then love?"

The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious "Would ye ever **** off!!!".

FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed gyrating with one hand on his hip and the other on the back of his head, singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go"

Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itsel (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ye useless bastard, ye" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman".

Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irishman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth round dis?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go on then", she says "but don't disturb me".

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration.

Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh ****, I've shot me load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in? "Given his level sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big Boy". Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig.

There's no one in the world performs quite like an Irishman - veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

Fvck me, I didn't know I was Irish.

[Guest]

Fvck me, I didn't know I was Irish.

Isn't that an oxymoron phrase

[Rincewind]

My favourite part is where it mentions oral sex and she points to the falsies in a glass. 'help yerself'

[sphericalfox]

My favourite part is where it says Irishman.

[Danno]

What's the limits for jokes on here..?

[Jaspa]

Sorry, Posted in wrong topic

Errrrr . . .

>Be 12

>At friends house

>Firends says: "Hey bro! You have to try this! Go home right and find some hot chicks dancing and stuff on the internet and you rocket is gonna get hard. Pull on it and it'll be the best feeling ever! And some stuff is gonna come out so make sure you have tissue. And your hand has to be wet so you're gonna need some Vaseline or something."

>Go home

>Dad's watching TV

>Mom's in the kitchen

>Go in computer room

>Closes door

>Gets complete naked except for underwear

>Pull those around ankles

>Search "hot chicks naked" on google

>Find the music video "Tip Drill"

DatAss.jpg

>Gets hard

>Shoves both hands in vaseline

>Faps

FeelsGoodMan.jpg

>D oesn't hear Mom come in

>She flips the **** out

Mom: "OH MY GOD! What the hell are you doing?! Bill! Bill get in here!"

>Dad runs in

>I panic

>Tries to run

>Underwear around ankles

>Falls

>Hits head on computer table

>Wake up in hospital with social workers asking if my parents did this

>Dad tells this story every year at Thanksgiving when he gets drunk

>Mom can't look at me the same

Edited 28 July 2012 by SpazticChicken

[Rincewind]

Keith Spencer

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you £10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you £10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"~

[hbkkids]

Why did the man take his pencil to bed? To draw his curtains

Best I got really...