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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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cambridgefox

cambridgefox

Posted
Posted

3 Blokes walking down the street

1st man says"My wife is so thick,she has bought a car and cant drive"

2nd man says"thats nothing.my wife is on a diet,and is not even fat"

3rd man says"your wives are not as thick as mine.She is going to Benidorm with 30 condoms, and she hasnt even got a COCK"

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cambridgefox

cambridgefox

Posted
Posted

2 blokes down to there last £1 and want to go out on the piss.

1st man takes the money and buys a sausage.

2nd man says"what the fook have you done that for"

1st man says"there is method in my madness.We go in the pub,order 2 pints.Down it,then you go down on the sausage in my flies, and pretend to give me a blow job.We will get kicked out and get a free pint"

They go in the pub order 2 pints down it,the second man goes down and the barman goes mad and chucks them out!

1st man says "see it does work"

This carries on all night,they have had 10 pints when the 2nd man says"i cant do this anymore"

1st man says "nor can i,i lost the sausage at the third pub" :thumbup:

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FoxyPV

FoxyPV

Posted
Posted

lol Ok see if this I can do better with this one.

Scientists have found that many women develop 'Dysons Disease' after a year of marriage.

They make a countinuous fooking whining noise but dont suck anymore.

Much better. That one's getting sent to the mrs.

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Alexikokopops

Alexikokopops

Posted
Posted

An Argentinian guy told me this joke earlier on tonight:

An English guy walks into a bar and says "we kicked your fooking ass!". The batman points to a scar and says "see this... the Falklands". The Englishman waits, and eventually says "mucho gracias"!

cue him laughing his head off

Nope, I've no idea what it means either, nor did my two Argentinian friends I was with. His first words to them were, in Spanish, were "hey guys, have you got any coke?", so I think he had other things on his mind than successful joke telling.

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Head Honcho

Head Honcho

Posted
Posted

I was in Tescos when a man started attacking me with milk and cheese. How dairy!

That's funny lol

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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skinnydipper

skinnydipper

Posted
Posted

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.

Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Jamie Carragher gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'

After 15 or 20 seconds Carragher says, ' Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'

Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Carragher starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Carragher closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

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jonthefox

jonthefox

Posted
Posted

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.

Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Jamie Carragher gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'

After 15 or 20 seconds Carragher says, ' Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'

Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Carragher starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Carragher closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

:thumbdown:

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