The joke thread

[davieG]

My racing snail wasn't doing too well, so I deciced to take his shell off to try and make him more aerodynamic..

It didn't work.

If anything he looked more sluggish.

[StanSP]

My racing snail wasn't doing too well, so I deciced to take his shell off to try and make him more aerodynamic..

It didn't work.

If anything he looked more sluggish.

I laughed (a bit) and cringed at the same time.

[davieG]

I laughed (a bit) and cringed at the same time.

I guess that makes it a good one then compared to many other in here.

[Wymsey]

I guess that makes it a good one then compared to many other in here.

I'm quite surprised no one else wanted to say what you've just said here earlier on in the thread

[Narborough_fox]

My racing snail wasn't doing too well, so I deciced to take his shell off to try and make him more aerodynamic..

It didn't work.

If anything he looked more sluggish.

Ha, brilliant.

[ScouseFox]

A joke about scousers.

This is basically racism <_<

[skinnydipper]

This is basically racism

Scousers - The Master Race

And the best sense of humour ever except about themselves

[StanSP]

This is basically racism <_<

[ScouseFox]

Scousers - The Master Race

And the best sense of humour ever except about themselves

We all love taking the piss out of ourselves, there's some jokes about Liverpool/Scousers in this thread that i've posted that i've been told by mates, i was being sarcastic, i liked your joke

[skinnydipper]

[ScouseFox]

[skinnydipper]

We all love taking the piss out of ourselves, there's some jokes about Liverpool/Scousers in this thread that i've posted that i've been told by mates, i was being sarcastic, i liked your joke

Lost in translation

In that case ignore my earlier response

[ScouseFox]

Lost in translation

In that case ignore my earlier response

That's alright, we all know sarcasm doesn't portray too well on t'internet

[Rocket-Ron]

I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have Alzheimers. Bummer. But hey ho, at least I don't have Alzheimers!

I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have Alzheimers. Bummer. But hey ho, at least I don't have Alzheimers!

I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have Alzheimers. Bummer. But hey ho, at least I don't have Alzheimers!

I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have Alzheimers. Bummer. But hey ho, at least I don't have Alzheimers!

[cambridgefox]

2 prostitutes on a corner

One says"have you ever been picked up by the fuzz"

"2nd one says "no,but ive been swung round by the tits"

[jonthefox]

I cant wait untill kate middleton becomes queen.

Then they can put her fanny on a stamp and i wouldnt mind licking that.

[cambridgefox]

Kate Middleton.The first person to squeeze there finger in dianas ring since Dodi al Fayed!

[StanSP]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day….

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.

Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

[AoWW]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published read:

"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech telecommunications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

One week later, the South Wales Echo reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in the pasture near his house in Tregaron, Idwal Jones, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he had found, f**k all. Idwal has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Wales had already gone wireless."

[Messi]

You know what they say:

'A pinch, a punch....

...and that's another Audley Harrison fight done!'

Why does everyone hate Audley Harrison so much?

Its not as if he's ever hurt anyone.

[Webbo]

Kate says to the Queen "Every time I suck William's knob I get acid indigestion".

The Queen replied " Have you tried Andrews?"

[Wymsey]

Kate says to the Queen "Every time I suck William's knob I get acid indigestion".

The Queen replied " Have you tried Andrews?"

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://s-ak.buzzfed.com/static/imagebuzz/web04/2009/9/23/18/get-out-28588-1253745025-2.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.buzzfeed.com/janakf/get-out-4bi5-dvf&usg=__HVBQMOc9jk6SFSP-WMc0ssd3Gfs=&h=407&w=425&sz=92&hl=en&start=25&zoom=1&tbnid=8TsETLbJRpMELM:&tbnh=158&tbnw=141&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dget%2Bout!!!%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D944%26bih%3D483%26gbv%3D2%26tbs%3Disch:1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=674&vpy=122&dur=836&hovh=220&hovw=229&tx=84&ty=237&ei=-6XmTKxvk4qFB92zmfIM&oei=1aXmTML1LIiShAfwl8jDDA&esq=4&page=4&ndsp=9&ved=1t:429,r:4,s:25

[cambridgefox]

My wife is fuming .

Last night when she was fast asleep,i swapped her tampon with a party popper.

No sense of humour!

[FoxyPV]

I got in trouble with the wife last night. She asked me where I'd like to buried. Apparently balls deep in her sister's arse wasn't the appropriate answer

[Wymsey]

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.