The joke thread

[Narborough_fox]

BREAKING NEWS:

The UN has announced that if they capture Colnel Gaddafi they will put him where he can't any harm to anyone...

Up front for Derby.

[Stig the Lawnmower]

Heather Mill's parents bought her a new false leg for christmas. it wasn't her main present, it was just a stocking filler.

[MikeyT]

Just tried cleaning my house, and now it's covered in crack, semen and gin.That's the last time I use Mr. Sheen.

[Fox1651]

I went to a fotune teller last week

She studied my hand and said "You have been masturbating"

i said "Hey your good can you tell me anything about my future"

She looked at my face and said "You will be doing it for a long fookin time"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I went to a fotune teller last week

She studied my hand and said "You have been masturbating"

i said "Hey your good can you tell me anything about my future"

She looked at my face and said "You will be doing it for a long fookin time"

sounds about right for you Fox1651

[Facecloth]

The sex change surgeon who lives next door is really creepy, he always gives me the willies.

[skinnydipper]

Got sacked from my job in the pet shop last week. I got caught with my hand in the trill

[jonthefox]

[Fox1651]

A man runs into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and shouts "everyone has one minute to get out"

A tortoise at the back shouts "You're a cvnt"

Edited 24 March 2011 by Fox1651

[skinnydipper]

Apparently posted in the personal column in The Canberra Times

WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3, and 5.

[skinnydipper]

A man was walking along the road, when he heard chanting coming from

behind a tall wooden fence. "13 13 13 13 13 13," the people were

saying. "13 13 13 13 13 13," they were getting louder.

Intrigued, the man tried to see over the fence, but it was too high.

"13 13 13."

The people had speeded up. "13 13 13."

The man was now desperate to see what was happening. "13 13 13."

There, a small knot hole. "13 13 13."

The man pushed his face against the fence, and looked through the

hole. "13 13 13."

Then a finger poked him in the eye!

"14 14 14 14 14 14."

[chrisfox]

A man was walking along the road, when he heard chanting coming from

behind a tall wooden fence. "13 13 13 13 13 13," the people were

saying. "13 13 13 13 13 13," they were getting louder.

Intrigued, the man tried to see over the fence, but it was too high.

"13 13 13."

The people had speeded up. "13 13 13."

The man was now desperate to see what was happening. "13 13 13."

There, a small knot hole. "13 13 13."

The man pushed his face against the fence, and looked through the

hole. "13 13 13."

Then a finger poked him in the eye!

"14 14 14 14 14 14."

[MikeyT]

The sex change surgeon who lives next door is really creepy, he always gives me the willies.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

A female dwarf goes to the doctors complaining of a sore fanny.

Doctor gets some scissors out and snips around a bit.

Dwarf says "that feels alot better, i didnt feel a thing, what have you done?"

Doctor says "I've trimmed the top of your wellies"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

David Cameron was looking for a lady of the night.

He found 1 such girl in a local pub.

He said "Im Prime Minister of England, how much would it cost for me to spend some time with you?"

Her reply "Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times were living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the way you have the pensioners, then it wont cost you a fookin penny"

[Fox1651]

David Cameron was looking for a lady of the night.

He found 1 such girl in a local pub.

He said "Im Prime Minister of England, how much would it cost for me to spend some time with you?"

Her reply "Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times were living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the way you have the pensioners, then it wont cost you a fookin penny"

Thats not fair - the prime minister is doing a fantastic job

[davieG]

David Cameron was looking for a lady of the night.

He found 1 such girl in a local pub.

He said "Im Prime Minister of England, how much would it cost for me to spend some time with you?"

Her reply "Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times were living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the way you have the pensioners, then it wont cost you a fookin penny"

I think that joke has been replayed for every PM since Wilson and probably before then.

[cambridgefox]

Im not a happy man.

I was walking through the desert(as you do)when i stumbled across a lamp.

I gave it a rub and out popped a genie

"you have one wish"said the genie

"i want a cock that touches the sand "i replied.

The c**t chopped my legs off!!

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Found out last night that im both gay and dyslexic.

Im still in Daniel

[MikeyT]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[The Doctor]

The primary school pupils had just got a new teacher.

"Good morning children, my name is Miss Prussy. If you find that hard to remember just think of a pussy and add a r before the u."

The next morning the teacher greeted her pupils and asked if they could all remember her name.

"oh yes," said a voice from the back, "It's Miss Crunt."

[Smudge]

A refuse collector in Cairns, Australia, is driving along a street

picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the

spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,

he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's

no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much

harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the

Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and

tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still

perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's

your 'wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers

in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

[Fox1651]

i mistakenly swollowed a bottle of tippex last night instead of my viagra

i woke up this morning with a huge correction

[Wymsey]

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling “Puta! Puta! Puta!”.

At this, the grandmother started to cry and the babies father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was “Puja!” (Push!).

Instead, he was saying “Whore! Whore! Whore!”.

[MikeyT]

i mistakenly swollowed a bottle of tippex last night instead of my viagra

i woke up this morning with a huge correction

Oh dear.