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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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shen

shen

Posted
Posted

A man was walking along the road, when he heard chanting coming from

behind a tall wooden fence. "13 13 13 13 13 13," the people were

saying. "13 13 13 13 13 13," they were getting louder.

Intrigued, the man tried to see over the fence, but it was too high.

"13 13 13."

The people had speeded up. "13 13 13."

The man was now desperate to see what was happening. "13 13 13."

There, a small knot hole. "13 13 13."

The man pushed his face against the fence, and looked through the

hole. "13 13 13."

Then a finger poked him in the eye!

"14 14 14 14 14 14."

That one did the rounds as a video sketch a few years back now :thumbup: Can't seem to find it now though

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lcfcadam

lcfcadam

Posted
Posted (edited)

Helium went into a bar and asked for a beer. The barman says, we dont serve noble gasses..

Helium didnt react.

lol science jokes. I like to think that someone read that and went away to wikipedia to try and figure it out... :whistle:

--------------------------

The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)"

Edited by lcfcadam
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skinnydipper

skinnydipper

Posted
Posted (edited)

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was

refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the

channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not

understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi

Do.'

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death?..

Edited by skinnydipper
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MikeyT

MikeyT

Posted
Posted

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was

refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the

channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not

understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi

Do.'

[font="Calibri"]The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death?..[/font]

Ohh dear. lol

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Bob Weasel Fox

Bob Weasel Fox

Posted
Posted

a man goes to confession after a 16 year absence.

As he sits in the booth he looks around and says to the priest "Confession is different these days father, i dont remember a leather chair, bottles of Whiskey, Guiness on tap and gay porn mags being in the booth before?"

The Priest says "Thats because youre on my side you twat"

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Narborough_fox

Narborough_fox

Posted
Posted (edited)

The FA have been investigating Wayne Rooney's foul-mouthed celebration at the weekend. He looked into a camera and shouted, "**** off! What? **** off!"

They have found that he was just having an argument with his reflection.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE SUN - Mohamed Fayed "If they don't understand and don't believe in things I believe in they can go to Chelsea."

Erm... They did that years ago mate.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Microsoft' was originally Bill Gates' nickname for his penis

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Following the Michael Jackson statue outside Fulham's ground, I'm suggesting an Andy Murray statue outside Arsenal's Emirates stadium.

Well, they both never win anything.

Edited by Narborough_fox
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MikeyT

MikeyT

Posted
Posted

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up stupid! You're next."

What do you get if you cross an artist with a police officer?

A brush with the law.

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The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted

A Blonde was sat drinking in a bar when two men came in, and sat on the stools next to her.

"Damn this bloody audit", said one. "I'm really screwed".

"I know how you feel," replied the other man. "I'm absolutely ****ed".

At this point the blonde leaned over and asked them "How can i get audited?"

A man was walking along the street with two screaming babies under his arm.

"Dear me!" exclaimed a passer-by. "They must be hungry, why don't you feed them? You can't be much of a father."

"Listen lady," said the man impatiently, "I'm not their father. I'm a condom salesman and I'm taking these two complaints back to the company."

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

Stunning lady walks up to a bar. She signals the barman to bring his face close to hers.

Running her fingers through his hair she says softly "Are you the manager?"

"No", he says......

"Can you give him a message?" she asks, stroking his face & allowing 2 fingers to slip into his mouth so he can suck them gently & sliding them seductively across his teeth & round his tongue.

"Tell him there's no toilet paper."!!

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine--I just quit drinking."

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