Our system detected that your browser is blocking advertisements on our site. Please help support FoxesTalk by disabling any kind of ad blocker while browsing this site. Thank you.
Jump to content
 Share
Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

Recommended Posts

Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted

Not a joke as such... Bill Bailey quote...

I'm amazed by how compliant people are in this country. They go into service stations - 'cathedrals of despair', as I call them - where baseball-capped ghouls of the night lord it over their congealed bean kingdoms, their fried-bread twilights, their neon demi-mondes, tempting you to enter to become them, undead. "Ooh, beans on toast, £18.95, very reasonable. Oh no, I'm not going to complain. They probably pump them up from London in special tubes." God, £18.95? If that was the price, for my money, each bean would have to be carried over in a heron's beak and laid on an orchid and then placed on a very rare train set and carried all the way to my table on the train set and then pinged off by a tiny little rare vole and it rolls onto a beautiful silk leaf and I eat it with a Fabergé egg. Then you'd get your money's worth

Link to comment
Share on other sites
StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted

Not so much jokes, but more morale musings...

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

----

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Bob Weasel Fox

Bob Weasel Fox

Posted
Posted

Im sick of the double standards in my relationship

The wife comes home with a "Rampant Rabbit" and she is a naughty fun girl with a new special toy

. . . . .but when i order a 240volt "Fistmaster 5000 latex pussy with realistic elasticated arsehole and spunk collection tray" then im some kind of sick barsteward!!!!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Fox1651

Fox1651

Posted
Posted

Im sick of the double standards in my relationship

The wife comes home with a "Rampant Rabbit" and she is a naughty fun girl with a new special toy

. . . . .but when i order a 240volt "Fistmaster 5000 latex pussy with realistic elasticated arsehole and spunk collection tray" then im some kind of sick barsteward!!!!

dear dear Carlito - shouldnt expect anything else from you . . . . . :innocent:

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Bob Weasel Fox

Bob Weasel Fox

Posted
Posted

A little boy is walking down the road dragging a flattened frog on a string, he walks up to the local brothel and taps on the door

The madam answers and he says to her "i want to have sex with your dirtiest girl, who has lots of diseases, ive got £500 to spend"

The madam's eyes light up and says "That will be me then, but why do you want a disease?"

The boy said "Tonight after my mum and dad leave, my babysitter will shag me because she likes cute little boys, later when dad runs her home he will shag her in the layby. When he comes home and goes to bed mum will want a good seeing too and tomorrow when dad goes to work, mum will shag the milkman and he is the barsteward who ran my fooking frog over"

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Narborough_fox

Narborough_fox

Posted
Posted

I always laugh at camels for having tits on their backs. They remind me of police horses.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What takes up 18 parking spaces?

9 Women drivers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted

Are you insured for sex? The correct Insurance Companies are:

Sex with your wife - Legal and General

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your partner - Standard Life

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com

Sex with someone different - Go Compare

Sex with a fat bird - More Than

Sex on back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Narborough_fox

Narborough_fox

Posted
Posted (edited)

West Ham are like Lady Penelope.

No Parker, no drive.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

When I woke up this morning I opened the curtains of my London apartment to be greeted by the sight of scores of athletic looking African men going past the window wearing vests with big numbers attached to the front.

Immediately my heart filled with joy as I realised that it could only mean one thing.

Slave auction.

Edited by Narborough_fox
Link to comment
Share on other sites
cambridgefox

cambridgefox

Posted
Posted

A woman goes into a jewellers shop.

She bends over to look at the diamond rings,but lets out a little fart.

Hoping no one noticed,she says to the assistant"how much for that ring?"

The jeweller replies"if you farted looking at it,youll shit yourself when i tell you the price!"

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
MikeyT

MikeyT

Posted
Posted

This is not technically a joke but actual fact. It's is amusing though. ;)

On July 25th 1909, a Frenchman named Louis Bleriot was the first person ever to fly from France to England in a light aircraft which he built himself. And in England, on July 26th 1909, work on the Anti-Aircraft gun began. Coincidence?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Nick

Nick

Posted
Posted

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

When I woke up this morning I opened the curtains of my London apartment to be greeted by the sight of scores of athletic looking African men going past the window wearing vests with big numbers attached to the front.

Immediately my heart filled with joy as I realised that it could only mean one thing.

Slave auction.

WTF ?

tumbleweed.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites
MikeyT

MikeyT

Posted
Posted

When I woke up this morning I opened the curtains of my London apartment to be greeted by the sight of scores of athletic looking African men going past the window wearing vests with big numbers attached to the front.

Immediately my heart filled with joy as I realised that it could only mean one thing.

Slave auction.

:|

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
 Share
Go to topic listing

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...