The joke thread

[Head Honcho]

BREAKING NEWS:

The Premier League referees offices have been broken into. Police say the only things taken were a whistle, a red card and Man United's results for next season!

[Wycombe Fox]

I just downloaded the Imogen Thomas sex tape.

It took a while though - it was 11 Giggs

[FoxyPV]

Ryan Giggs wife Stacey has walked out on him. She has been given 1/2 everything. She now has 6 more Prem league medals than Steven Gerrard.

[bigjohn]

Just had a water fight with next doors kids....... I won..... They were no match for me, and my kettle.

[Ross 'LCFC' Turner]

Dave Jones apparently in line for the Villa job. Likes the idea of having Young & Bent strikers.

[AjcW]

One wonders whether the girl on the back of Shaun Kingston's Jet Ski crashed on purpose whilst being serenaded with Beautiful Girl

[LCFC_FAN_1995]

My copy of FIFA won't load up. According to my xbox, it's corrupt.

[StanSP]

One wonders whether the girl on the back of Shaun Kingston's Jet Ski crashed on purpose whilst being serenaded with Beautiful Girl

Surprised the jet-ski didn't give way before they could set off

[MikeyT]

2 blondes where walking through a snow storm, one says ... my hands are numb, are yours? The other one replies... i don't know i can't feel them.

[MPH]

Just found out the other day my wife is able to get an operation on her cateract done over the internet!!!!

All she needs is a wi-fi connection

[longy]

My mates used to call me "Mr Lover Lover" as I had quite a good record with the ladies. Then one night a girl with Downs syndrome asked me to shag her up the arse... Now they call me "Mr Bum Spastic"...!

[jonthefox]

My mates used to call me "Mr Lover Lover" as I had quite a good record with the ladies. Then one night a girl with Downs syndrome asked me to shag her up the arse... Now they call me "Mr Bum Spastic"...!

Not very politically correct mr lister, but no the less.

[Alexikokopops]

Who did Gary Newman want to be when he was older?

Gary Oldman

(thanks Adam and Joe and whoever sent that into made up jokes)

[rico]

What do Hitler and me have in common after i've rimmed the mrs?

We both have a shit moustache !

[Wycombe Fox]

A little girl finds her dog dead on its back with his legs in the air.

She asks her dad "Why is it's legs in the air?"

He replies "So Jesus can pick him up and take him to heaven."

The next day the girl says to her dad "Dad, me Mum nearly died earlier, she was on her back with her legs in the air saying "Jesus I'm coming!," if it wasn't for the binman holding her down we'd have lost her"

[Jackirius]

Who did Gary Newman want to be when he was older?

Gary Oldman

Hell, my surname is Newman and i've never heard that one before.

[bigjohn]

My girlfriend is leaving me, because I'm obsessed with the band the monkees. I thought she was joking!

Then I saw her face ....

[lcfcadam]

My girlfriend is leaving me, because I'm obsessed with the band the monkees. I thought she was joking!

Then I saw her face ....

Very good

------------------

Whenever I see anyone open their mouth, I just wanna shove my cock in.

Which is probably why I'm not a dentist anymore.

[MikeyT]

My girlfriend is leaving me, because I'm obsessed with the band the monkees. I thought she was joking!

Then I saw her face ....

[rico]

The Mrs has been missing for a whole 24 hours now and the police have told me to expect the worse, so now I have got to traipse down the charity shop and get all her clothes back.

[MrCrowley]

Carl*s Tev*z is the latest footballer to be linked to a super injuction. Apparently the girl he sh*gged doesn't want to be named

[Nick]

Ibbosuk.

[Simo86]

Wayne Rooney has used Colleen's pubic hair for his hair transplant. Apparently the success rate is much higher if transplanted from one cvnt to another!

Edited 8 June 2011 by Simo86

[Darkon84]

Jordan Henderson is worth £20million

[Simo86]

Jordan Henderson is worth £20million

.....and David Ngog is worth £7 million!