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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Jimmy

Jimmy

Posted
Posted

Although I get the joke, DB11's actually right - if you take the joke's text literally then Gert is talking to herself... Just a slight error in transcription.

no in the literal text she's talking to an unnamed friend

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Narborough_fox

Narborough_fox

Posted
Posted

I just invented a bush trimmer which uses a microchip to ensure the neatest finish,

It's cutting hedge technology.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequels going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sean Connery was sitting in his study when all of a sudden a book fell on his head. He looked up and remarked, "I have only myshelf to blame."

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jonthefox

jonthefox

Posted
Posted

I just invented a bush trimmer which uses a microchip to ensure the neatest finish,

It's cutting hedge technology.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequels going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sean Connery was sitting in his study when all of a sudden a book fell on his head. He looked up and remarked, "I have only myshelf to blame."

16gamnp.gif

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon..........

‘F**k off’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral.’

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The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted

In a busy restuarant a woman started to choke on her food.

A man ran foward, grabbed her and put her face-down on the floor. Then he pulled down her pants and licked her arse. The woman coughed up the piece of food and stood up.

As the man walked back to his table his friend looked at him in amazement, "Bloody hell, I've never seen anything like that before", to which the man replied "That's the hindlick manouvre".

------------------------------------------------------

A Takeaway company owner was wondering why one of his delivery men was so late getting back when the phone rang,

The delivery man was on the phone and said, "Sorry boss, I had a bit of an accident on the way back. I hit a pig."

"Well just put it on the side of the road and we'll pick it up later."

"But it isn't dead, It just keeps squealing."

"Ok, get the gun from the glovebox and put it out of it's misery. Then put in on the side of the road 'till later."

Five minutes passed and the phone rang again.

"Boss, It's me. I'm still here."

"Why? Did you do as I said?"

"Yeah, I shot it and threw it in a ditch but his motorbike is still stuck underneath the car."

----------------------------------------

A scottish window cleaner missed his footing and fell 20 feet to the floor where he lay nursing a broken ankle.

A passer-by was quick to react and shouted to the receptionist inside the building, "Quick, get this man a glass of water while I call an ambulance"

The window cleaner groaned, "Oi mate, how far's a man have to fall to get a shot of whiskey?"

----------------------------------------

Little red riding hood is walking through the forest to meet her grandma when she sees movement behind a tree.

"Mr Wolf, Mr Wolf", she cries, "I can see you, come out from behind that tree"

"Bugger off", he responds and disappears deeper into the forest.

a couple of minutes later she spots him again.

"Mr Wolf, Mr Wolf, I can see you behind that bush"

The wolf glowers at her and runs off. Moments later she sees him behind a rock.

"I can see you, I can see you", she calls.

The wolf replies "Now look here, Who are you and what are you doing in the forest?"

"I'm little red riding hood and i'm on my way to see my grandma"

"Then **** off and do it", yelled the wolf, "and let me have a crap in peace."

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

Little Johnny was watching TV in his room.

The next day he came downstairs and asks "Dad what is love juice?"

His father looks horrified and tells Johnny all about sex and why a womens vagina gets wet.

Johnny just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Then his dad asks "so Johnny, what were you watching?"

Johnny replied "Wimbledon"

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