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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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z-layrex

z-layrex

Posted
Posted

Amy Winehouse approaches the gates of Heaven and is at the back of a massive queue of people. St. Peter sees her and beckons her to the front. "Am I getting special treatment because of my fame?" she asks. St. Peter replies, "No, we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator for this lot!"

Probably the first time a joke's ever actually offended me. :blink:

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HEGGSY

HEGGSY

Posted
Posted

not really a joke but it was a question posted on ebay that made me howl.

Q: Hi Boogie, I trust your judgement and, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it ?

lol

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted (edited)

No offence but no one person can decide what is funny and what isnt, some people do find them funny, Frankie Boyle tells them regular and he can shift more tickets than any comedian in Britain.

It's a joke thread, it has to be anything goes.

NO HE CAN'T :angry:

Quote from Comedy Central.co.uk

"Michael McIntyre’s 2012 tour could generate a whopping £20 million making it a strong contender to be the UK’s largest ever tour.

Last week tickets went on sale for the Comedy Roadshow star’s 58 date arena tour which doesn’t even kick off until August next year and more dates are expected to be announced as tickets are inevitably snapped up.

The Guardian writes that McIntyre will entertain over 600,000 people in the UK’s biggest venues including London’s O2 Arena, Wembley and Manchester’s MEN Arena.

‘It’s certainly one of the biggest UK comedy tours ever announced, and probably the biggest tour announced in one go,’ a spokesman for McIntyre said and added: ‘It is likely there will be a number of extra shows as we go on.’

However he still has to surpass Lee Evans who takes his Roadrunner show on tour this year for a 66-date run and also Peter Kay who is in the midst of a two-year tour which will see him reach 750,000 fans.

Will he go for another record? He’s already twice broken the record for the fastest-selling stand-up DVD and he’ll probably do it again when this one’s released!"

Also... Quote

It seems the British public’s interest in comedy is on the up as Micky Flanagan was the top artist driving traffic to ticketing websites in the UK last week.

Hitwise reports that in the week ending 22nd January, the Cockney comedian proved more popular than Michael McIntyre, Lee Evans and Peter Kay for users searching for comedy gig tickets

Frankie Boyle wishes... :giggle::P

.

Edited by Parafox
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lcfcadam

lcfcadam

Posted
Posted

Sick and not funny

Maddie jokes never were, and NEVER will be funny.

I agree greatly. How disgusting really.....

Have to agree.

I don't really get how people can decide on behalf of everyone what subjects are acceptable to make jokes about and which aren't. It's entirely up to the individual.

I take it you guys don't get onto Sickipedia very often, as this thread is like a child-filtered version of that. Literally anything goes there, so you have to either take ti or leave it rather than complain that other people shouldn't be laughing...

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lcfcadam

lcfcadam

Posted
Posted (edited)

Bloke goes to doctors having problems with prem ejaculation is told when u feel yourself cummingive yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong the sex. 2 days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went. bloke says not good, i did a 69er then felt my self starting to cum, so i fired the gun, my wife shit on my face, bit my bell end off and the milk man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up

Tedious work is conducive to looking back through threads such as this. The above is absolutely brilliant :D

There's been reports of a sighting of Madeleine Mccann in India within the past few days.

Indian authorities are apparently saying not to get curried away

The Taste Police won't like that one; Maddy and racist, impressive work! :thumbup:

Edit: Although as kindly pointed out below, it's not actually very good...

Edited by lcfcadam
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m4DD0gg

m4DD0gg

Posted
Posted

Amy Winehouse arrives at the gates of heaven to be greeted by Michael Jackson and St Peter. Amy says "Oh michael are you here to greet me because i am a musical genius like you?"

Michael turns to St Peter and says "Who is that horse faced junkie, and where are all those Norwegian kids you promised me?!"

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LCFC_FAN_1995

LCFC_FAN_1995

Posted
Posted (edited)

I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that ****ing pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

That's my boy. :thumbup:

Edited by LCFC_FAN_1995
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NeilyBoy

NeilyBoy

Posted
Posted

This is funny. Maynard has not intention to leave Bristol, especially not to Birmingham or wherever Leicester is. We have no intention to sell him to you. You ar not a big club, your owner is hardly rich either. You cant afford Maynard. Thats the bottom line. BCFC is rich enough to turn down ANY bid from ANY club. Just think about that.We are happy to let his deal run down, would rather see him go for free than sell him to you.

:appl:

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FoxyPV

FoxyPV

Posted
Posted

I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that ****ing pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

That's my boy. :thumbup:

lol

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fatmando

fatmando

Posted
Posted

A man walks into a butchers shop asks the butcher "Are you a gambling man?"

The butcher says, "Yes".

The man says, "I bet you fifty quid that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."

The butcher looks up at the meat hanging on the hooks. He says, "I'm not betting on that".

"But I thought you were a gambling man," the man retorts.

"Yes I am," says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".

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Teece

Teece

Posted
Posted

I like silly, daft jokes... ;)

Just ordered the new lip balm from Weightwatchers. It's called Superglue.

Two dragons walk into a bar.

One dragon says, "It's warm in here."

The other says, "Shut your mouth."

I've just spent the past hour chasing a daddy long legs around my house...Then I realised I had a crack in my glasses!

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