The joke thread

[Salieri]

I like silly, daft jokes...

Just ordered the new lip balm from Weightwatchers. It's called Superglue.

Two dragons walk into a bar.

One dragon says, "It's warm in here."

The other says, "Shut your mouth."

I've just spent the past hour chasing a daddy long legs around my house...Then I realised I had a crack in my glasses!

[NeilyBoy]

You know hedgehogs?

Why don't they share the hedge?

[Danno]

English footballers and the American military are very alike.

Both don't care about friendlies.

[Danno]

Our Alsatian is a randy ****er, it'll shag any dog that moves.

As the mother-in-law found out.

Al Qaeda must feel so foolish for attacking America.

If they had just waited ten years they could've bought it.

[Danno]

All the indie kids will start listening to Amy Winehouse again, now that she's underground

[Danno]

I was about to shag a bird last night when I thought..

Isn't this beastiality?

[NeilyBoy]

Stop!

[Basil Brush]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

**** her.

[longy]

I was outside a French restaurant when a couple came up to me and said, "Avez-vous une table pour deux?"

"Are you calling me a C unt?" I asked.

Shocked, the man replied "Not at all! I thought you worked here, I was asking for a table."

"So you thought I was French?"

"Well yes."

"Are you calling me a C unt?" I repeated.

Edited 1 August 2011 by Litster

[Narborough_fox]

"Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"

"Well, why don't you ask your sister?"

"But I don't have a..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail.

"What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed.

"I'd say 'neither am I'."

She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..."

"Oh?" I replied. "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents."

[NeilyBoy]

What's the difference between a child and a trampoline?

You have to take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

[whitlock]

I went to Hospital for a testicle operation last week. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection while doing this procedure." I said, "I haven't got an erection." She said, "No, but I have."

[Alexikokopops]

I noticed today the rota had been altered for my security job at the smoothie factory.

The names had been changed to protect the Innocent.

[Dicko]

My girlfriend is going to a fancy dress party as a Rastafarian tonight, and she's asked me to do her hair.

I'm dreading it....

[Wymsey]

In a recent interview, asked about his ideal woman, Man Utd’s Ryan Giggs said he’s recently found a love for ‘Big titted brunettes'…......

...that keep their mouths shut and don’t use the internet.

[Webbo]

My girlfriend is going to a fancy dress party as a Rastafarian tonight, and she's asked me to do her hair.

I'm dreading it....

Maybe it's the beer but that made me chuckle.

[MikeyT]

My girlfriend is going to a fancy dress party as a Rastafarian tonight, and she's asked me to do her hair.

I'm dreading it....

Saw this posted on Twitter earlier. Very good! Haha

[fatmando]

A binman knocks on a chinese take-away door.

A man answer's,"Herro, wot u wan?

"The binman ask's,"Where's ya bin?"

"I bin on loo," say's the man.

"No mate, where's ya dustbin?"

"I dustbin on loo." say's the man.

"No, no mate, where's ur wheelie bin?"

"Hokay, I wheelie bin havin a wank."

[Wherethefoxhat?]

A binman knocks on a chinese take-away door.

A man answer's,"Herro, wot u wan?

"The binman ask's,"Where's ya bin?"

"I bin on loo," say's the man.

"No mate, where's ya dustbin?"

"I dustbin on loo." say's the man.

"No, no mate, where's ur wheelie bin?"

"Hokay, I wheelie bin havin a wank."

[Turtles Head]

What's the main cause of paedophilia?

Sexy kids

[Guest MattP]

What's the main cause of paedophilia?

Sexy kids

Probably my fave joke ever that one

I've became a bit concerned about Tesco's sell by date policy recently, I noticed a black cabbage in my trolley today.....

Luckily Katie Price came over and took him away.

Edited 5 August 2011 by MattP

[jonthefox]

Probably my fave joke ever that one

I've became a bit concerned about Tesco's sell by date policy recently, I noticed a black cabbage in my trolley today.....

Luckily Katie Price came over and took him away.

Terrible, but.........

[ROB-THE-BLUE]

Tottenham have just signed a new Italian striker....

... he's called GRABATELLY

[sg6]

Confusion in Tottenham this morning, as the c*nts who torched a post office at the weekend turn up wanting to collect their benefits.

[Dicko]

I've heard that after last night's riots in the City Centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing at the clock tower all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....