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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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fatmando

fatmando

Posted
Posted

Our father, who art in prison, only mum knows his name,

Thy Riots come, read it in The Sun,

In Birmingham, as it is in London,

Give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting,

As we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us,

Lead us not into employment

But deliver us free housing,

For thine is the Spliff,

The Blackberry & the Lager,

Forever and ever...Innit

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boring_jester

boring_jester

Posted
Posted

Some of my shitty but amazing Kermit Jokes

Whats green and smells of pork?

Kermits Fingers

------------------

The police raided Kermit the frogs lilly pad this morning, they were shocked! They found the worst stash of Frog's Spawn they had ever seen.

------------------

What has Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth got in common?

They both have "The" as the middle name.

------------------

Why did the Kermit the frog become a lighthouse keeper ?

He had his own frog horn !

------------------

How do frogs die ?

They kermit suidide

------------------

What does Kermith The Frog drink ?

Croaka-cola

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Thracian family decide to put him into a home. The doctor in the white coat arrives and tells Thracian that he can prove his sanity by answering a simple question. The doctor says 'You have a bath full of water and given a teaspoon and a saucepan which one would you use to empty it?'

Thracian thinks for a minute then says 'Neither I would use a bucket'

The doctor says 'Wrong, you should pull the plug, would you like a bed by the window?'

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

This may or may not be true, well it is even if it isn't.

Apparently Cameron's first words in yesterday's anti-rioter/looter speech were "It's time for our country to take stock".

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Amin

Amin

Posted
Posted

Fast forward to 2006 – it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Scotland. They’re sh*t and we can’t be bothered”.

Ronaldo looks at them and says “Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub.”

So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Brazil 1 – Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)”. He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on”. They put the teletext on.

“Result from the Stadium “Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) – Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)”.

They can’t believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”

“Don’t be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!”

“No, No, I have, I’ve let you down… I got sent off after 12 minutes”

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longy

longy

Posted
Posted

Fast forward to 2006 – it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Scotland. They’re sh*t and we can’t be bothered”.

Ronaldo looks at them and says “Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub.”

So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Brazil 1 – Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)”. He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on”. They put the teletext on.

“Result from the Stadium “Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) – Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)”.

They can’t believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”

“Don’t be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!”

“No, No, I have, I’ve let you down… I got sent off after 12 minutes”

:appl:

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The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted

Fast forward to 2006 – it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*t and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 – Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) – Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down… I got sent off after 12 minutes"

how can we fast-forward to 2006 when it's 2011 now?

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LCFC_FAN_1995

LCFC_FAN_1995

Posted
Posted (edited)

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a ****ing spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

I went to a fancy dress as Spiderman and shagged a girl dressed as Catwoman. We had the most amazing sex, but never revealed our identities to one another.

I told my family about it over breakfast. My dad high-fived me, my mum rolled her eyes and my sister ran off crying for some reason. :ph34r:

Edited by LCFC_FAN_1995
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Tom17LCFC

Tom17LCFC

Posted
Posted

I went to a fancy dress as Spiderman and shagged a girl dressed as Catwoman. We had the most amazing sex, but never revealed our identities to one another.

I told my family about it over breakfast. My dad high-fived me, my mum rolled her eyes and my sister ran off crying for some reason. :ph34r:

Location: Coalville :unsure:

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted

Our father, who art in prison, only mum knows his name,

Thy Riots come, read it in The Sun,

In Birmingham, as it is in London,

Give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting,

As we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us,

Lead us not into employment

But deliver us free housing,

For thine is the Spliff,

The Blackberry & the Lager,

Forever and ever...Innit

ACE!!! :thumbup::appl::crylaugh:

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Found this on Facebook. I had a chuckle then realised I was laughing at myself.. (changed slightly to for 2, be for b etc)

My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out,

What used to my sex appeal is now my water spout !

Time was when, on its own, from my trousers it would spring,

But now its just a full time job to find the ****in thing!

It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave,

For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave!

Now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues,

To see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!

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