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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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easilee

easilee

Posted
Posted

Priest and a nun on a camel in the middle of the desert. The camel suddenly drops dead and they are left stranded.

Thinking they are doomed they reflect on past regrets and both agree to experience some sexual pleasure before they die.

The priest asks the nun to expose her breasts and she agrees if he takes his knob out.

They fondle and the priest gets an erection. "You know, if I put this in the right place, it can create life" he says.

"Right" says the nun "Stick it up that camel's arse and let's get the feck outta here"

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easilee

easilee

Posted
Posted

Paddy goes for a job at a chemicals factory. The manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before ?"

"Yes" Paddy replies.

The manager then asks "Can you tell me what Nitrate is ?"

Paddy says " Well i'm hoping it's gonna be time and a half."

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easilee

easilee

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

A bus load of Catholic schoolgirls perish when it crashes.

St. Peter meets them at the gates and asks if any of them have touched a penis.

The first girl giggles and says she once touched the tip of one with her finger. St Peter instructs the girl to dip the finger in a bowl of holy water.

The next girl claims to have fondled one and is instructed to wash her whole hand in the holy water.

Suddenly there is a commotion and one girl violently pushes herself to the front of the girls.

"Mary, what is the rush ?" asks St Peter.

She replies "I want to gargle that holy water before Jenny sticks her arse in it"

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lcfcadam

lcfcadam

Posted
Posted

A bus load of Catholic schoolgirls perish when it crashes.

St. Peter meets them at the gates and asks if any of them have touched a penis.

The first girl giggles and says she once touched the tip of one with her finger. St Peter instructs the girl to dip the finger in a bowl of holy water.

The next girl claims to have fondled one and is instructed to wash her whole hand in the holy water.

Suddenly there is a commotion and one girl violently pushes herself to the front of the girls.

"Mary, what is the rush ?" asks St Peter.

She replies "I want to gargle that holy water before Jenny sticks her arse in it"

I know I shouldn't, but lol

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broughtonblue

broughtonblue

Posted
Posted

He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, as he watched his girlfriend move forwards then backwards.....

back and forth...

Back and forth.

In and out...

In and out...

Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush and she started to grunt and groan.

Then she let out one almighty scream!!!!......

"I can't park this fecking car! You do it you smug bastard"!

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

I was in a pub the other day and an old friend came in with his father. He told me his father had altzeimers and could I cheer him up. I racked my brain and told him a joke. He laughed so much then said tell me another one. I couldnt think of one so told the same joke again. And he laughed out loud again. This happened 4 or 5 times until it was time for him to go. He said to me thanks for a great night but how do you remember them all?

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Oh To Be 12 Again... A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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Phube

Phube

Posted
Posted

Oh To Be 12 Again... A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

lol

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Jordan

Jordan

Posted
Posted (edited)

A young man gets a job as a salesman in a department store, and on his first day, his manager tells him, "Listen, kid, I'm gonna have to teach you the art of the sale. You're gonna watch me sell, learn, and then you'll be on your own."

The first customer of the day comes over to them and asks, "Excuse me, but do you sell grass seeds here?" The manager days, "Sure we do; I'll go get some for you," goes looking, and comes back a minute later.

"Ok, then, I've got your grass seeds in this bag, and here is your lawnmower."

"Lawnmower? I didn't ask for a lawnmower!", the customer says.

"Well, when your grass grows, you're going to need to cut it, right? You'll need a lawnmower for that."

"Yeah, I suppose I will need one... I'll get one of those, too."

When the customer leaves, the manager tells the rookie, "See that, kid? That's the art of the sale right there. Now, you go try. There's a guy over there in the ladies' department, he looks confused, go help him."

So, the rookie approaches the customer and asks how he can help. The customer says, "Errmmm... Look, I'm a little embarrassed... I've got to buy tampons for my wife, but I have no idea where to find them, or what kind to get."

The rookie says, "That's ok, I'll get then for you. Just meet me over there at the cash register." They're both ready a minute later, and the rookie tells the customer, "OK, here are your tampons, and here's your lawnmower."

"Lawnmower? I didn't ask for a lawnmower!" the customer says.

The rookie says, "Well, your weekend's fvcked, so you might as well go mow the lawn."

Edited by Jordan
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Leicesterpool

Leicesterpool

Posted
Posted

A man goes into a pub & he says to the barman "Hi, can I have guinness?" the barman serves him giving him a black look. Next the man hands over the cash as the barman snatches off him, & then says "Here's you change" as he almost throws it at him", the customer then says "excuse me have I done anything wrong?", "No it's just an English theme pub"

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