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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Bob Weasel Fox

Bob Weasel Fox

Posted
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Micks wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the docs

The doc says she may be overheating during sex

Mick refuses to buy a fan and instead gets his mate round to waft a towel on them whilst they are having sex

After 20 minutes of waiting and still no orgasm his mate suggests a swop, "I will do her and you woft the towel"

Mick agrees and in seconds his wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever

Mick turns to his mate and says "That my friend is how you woft a towel"

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Collymore

Collymore

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"welcome here to the king power stadium as Leicester City take on Barcelona, looking forward to this one Alan?" "you betcha Ian, I can't wait for this spectacle, it's the first fixture you look for after the draw Ian" "yes it is Alan, Leicester take the kick off, Nugent to Danns to Oakley, Messi disposes Oakley -Leicester are making an early sub, it's Moussa on for Oakley. Messi shoots from long range Gooooooooooooooal! Maybe the keeper should have done better Ian? " yes Ian, Chris Weale won't be happy with his contribution" "Leicester are making another substitution it's Shmichael on for Weale, we've played 1 minute here at the King Power where it is Leicester City 0 - 1 Barcelona. Leicester take the kickoff Nugent to Danns to Wellens to King to konchesky to Bamba, this is good football by Leicester their manager will be pleased, mills back to Bamba GOOOOAL and that's his second goal of the game Messi scores for Barcelona. Leicester are making their 3rd substitution it's St Ledger on for Mills, we've played 2 minutes here at the king power stadium, your thoughts Alan Young? "Shocking, the ref needs to have a word with himself Ian" "get your calls in on 0116 257 1049 ...."

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Rincewind

Rincewind

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astronaut Barbie for £19.95 and Divorced Barbie for £265.95. The amazed father asks, "It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?" The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, "Sir.., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls"

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Rincewind

Rincewind

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5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN!

(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut-up.

(2) NOTHING: means something & you need to be worried.

(3) GO AHEAD: this is a dare, not permission, do not do it.

(4) WHATEVER: A woman's way of saying, screw you.

(5) THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.

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Rincewind

Rincewind

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shop

by Keith Spencer on Thursday, 08 September 2011 at 08:51

The Husband Store: A store that sells new husbands has opened in Dublin, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. Shoppers may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'But I want more.' She continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Unbelievable!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor where the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is SO tempted to stay, but instead goes on to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are the 6th Floor’s 31,456,012 visitor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are next to impossible to please. Sorry. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have their own money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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