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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

A Wife's Revenge: A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. she drags him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle, she then picked up a hacksaw. Terrified, her husband screamed, "Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?" Placing the saw in her husband's hand, the wife replied, "Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!!

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

A Wife's Revenge: A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. she drags him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle, she then picked up a hacksaw. Terrified, her husband screamed, "Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?" Placing the saw in her husband's hand, the wife replied, "Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!!

Put the handle back in and let himself out probably.

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LCFC_FAN_1995

LCFC_FAN_1995

Posted
Posted (edited)

"Guess she gave you things, I couldn't give to you"

-Adele

The last rolo perhaps?

I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship.

What's long and hard and makes women groan?

An Ironing Board.

Edited by LCFC_FAN_1995
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StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted

An elderly man is stopped by police in the early hours of the morning and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies 'I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and being out late'. The policeman asks, 'Really? And who would be giving this lecture at this time of night?'

The man replies, 'that would be my wife'.

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FoxyPV

FoxyPV

Posted
Posted

My girlfriend is the exact double of Adele.

40 stone.

lol

An elderly man is stopped by police in the early hours of the morning and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies 'I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and being out late'. The policeman asks, 'Really? And who would be giving this lecture at this time of night?'

The man replies, 'that would be my wife'.

lol

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Jesus

There was an Irishman, Australian and a Scouser istanding at the bar in a pub when they notice Jesus sitting in a corner seat on his own. So they all bought a drink and took it over to him.

When he had finished Jesus came over to them and shaking the Irishmans hands thanked him for the Guiness. 'Obegorra' he said 'I do believe my athritis has gone.'

Jesus went to the Australian and putting a hand on his Shoulder thanked him for the Fosters. 'Crikey, my bad back is as cured as a pound of ham'

Jesus starts to walk towards the Scouser who runs away screaming ' Feck off I'm on disability.'

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Bob Weasel Fox

Bob Weasel Fox

Posted
Posted

An elderly man is stopped by police in the early hours of the morning and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies 'I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and being out late'. The policeman asks, 'Really? And who would be giving this lecture at this time of night?'

The man replies, 'that would be my wife'.

:crylaugh:

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Lcfcman2010

Lcfcman2010

Posted
Posted

I walked in to a Bar the other day and started cracking a joke about Coventry, when three guys got up and walked towards me.

The first guy said "Im 6ft 3" and weigh 300lbs, me mate here is 6ft 4" and weighs 350, and this man here is 6ft 5" and weighs 400lbs. Still wanna continue son?"

"No thanks," i replied "i dont want to tell the same joke 3 times

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The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted (edited)

Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?

Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!

--------------------------------------------------

Why is potassium a racist element?

Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.

-----------------------------------

A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of cokes. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"

------------------------------------

Why did the white bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

--------------------------------------

What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?

Methylated spirits.

--------------------------------------

What is a cation afraid of?

A dogion.

Edited by LargeAl
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