The joke thread

[cambridgefox]

I told my wife that i suffered from premature ejaculation yesterday.

Fair play to her though,she took it on the chin.

[StanSP]

My wife woke me up this morning and said, "You was drunk last night wasn't you?"

I said, "No."

She said, "Yes you was, I heard you crash through the front door at 1am."

I said, "You must be hearing things love."

She said, "Your car is still in the ****ing hallway!"

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The missus came home steaming drunk last night.

"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.

"Not really," I replied.

"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."

Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

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"Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?"

"Dave...

Would you please call our children by their names."

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[Bob Weasel Fox]

My wife woke me up this morning and said, "You was drunk last night wasn't you?"

I said, "No."

She said, "Yes you was, I heard you crash through the front door at 1am."

I said, "You must be hearing things love."

She said, "Your car is still in the ****ing hallway!"

==========

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.

"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.

"Not really," I replied.

"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."

Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

===========

"Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?"

"Dave...

Would you please call our children by their names."

===========

[Rincewind]

A little girl goes to the barbers with her father and stands next to the chair eating a cake while her father gets his hair cut. The barber smiles at her and says "You're going to get hair on your muffin", "I know" she says "I'm gonna get tits too you dirty bastard,,,

[Phube]

im in hospital waiting for my daughters test results after she swallowed lots of lego.

Im not worried but she's shitting bricks

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a vank

I said to him "Thats 3 schools this year, maybe teaching isnt the career for you"

[LoughboroughFox]

I said to my son, "where you going?"

He said, "i`m off to meet a girl."

I said, "don`t forget to wear a..... you know."

He said, "what?"

I said, "you know."

He said, "do you mean a condom?"

I said, "no, a ****ing hat you ginger twat."

[cambridgefox]

i went to an animal park today and all they had was 1 dog!

It was a shih tzu.

[Mickey O'Neil]

A man and his son were walking down a street when the son tripped. His father smacked him upside the head and yelled "Come along fat head, you're holding me up!" A man walking the opposite direction politely told him that he shouldn't talk to his son that way.

The boys father looked at him and said. "Mr., there are only 3 things in life a man needs. Number one is a nice car. See that Mercedes parked down the street? That's my car, the nicest car on the whole damn street. Number two is a nice house. See that house way down there? That's my house, the nicest house on the whole damn street. Number three is a tight pussy.....Well I had that 'till fat head here came along!"

[Yojoe36]

Arsenal

[Rincewind]

Two women talking. One said 'He actually choked her to death with his dick..." The other, shocked, replied, "How on earth did he get it all the way around her neck?'

[Rincewind]

An escaped con breaks into house & finds couple in bed. He ties the guy up & gets on top of the girl kissing her, He then goes to the toilet. Husband says "This guy's a convict. If he wants sex don't resist do what he tells you. Satisfy him, this guy is probably dangerous. Be strong honey I love you." Wife responds "He wasn't kissing me. He whispered in my ear he was gay, thinks you're cute & asked me if I had Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too"

[Fox1651]

i never wanted to believe my dad stole from his job as a road worker . . . . .

but when i got home all the signs were there

[Fox1651]

I said to my son "Where are you going?"

He said "Im off to meet a girl"

I said "Dont forget to wear a . . . . . . you know"

He said "What?"

I said "You know"

He said "Do you mean a condom?"

I said "No a fvkkin hat you ginger cvnt"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Women listens in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

The boy - "All those getting off the train, go on fvck off, all those getting on fvcking hurry up"

The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs until he has learned his lesson.

2 hours later the boy comes back downstairs says sorry to his mum and carries on playing.

Mum listens in once more . . . .

Boy - "All those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day. All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey. And all those who are upset at the two hour delay, blame the fat cvnt in the kitchen"

[LCFC_FAN_1995]

If only Imogen Thomas had been around Friday.

She knows how to drain a Welsh shaft.

I know i shouldn't but

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Arsene Wenger has announced he wants to buy Fernando Torres.

When asked why he said, "If I play him at centre back, at least we won't score any own goals"

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What's the difference between Fernando Torres and Wayne Bridge?

John Terry appreciates Wayne Bridge's missus.

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48 Mins: Torres regains all confidence

88 Mins: Torres loses all confidence

FernanDOH.

Edited 18 September 2011 by LCFC_FAN_1995

[LCFC_FAN_1995]

So there I was, Row F, behind the goal at old Trafford watching Torres go round De Gea wondering if he would score

And then it hit me.

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Man Utd fans singing "You scouse bastard" at Torres, hmmm Pretty sure he's Spanish... Wayne Rooney on the other hand......

[Rincewind]

40 per cent of men over 40 suffer from erectile dysfunction."

I don't think it the mens fault, I mean, have you seem what women over 40 look like?

[Bob Weasel Fox]

i made my girlfriends wishes come true when i married her in a castle

You wouldnt have thought it though from the look on her face as we were bouncing around

[Bob Weasel Fox]

40 per cent of men over 40 suffer from erectile dysfunction."

I don't think it the mens fault, I mean, have you seem what women over 40 look like?

Think that joke is a flop buddy

[General Smuts]

Think that joke is a flop buddy

That response was a bit limp.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

That response was a bit limp.

i feel all deflated now youve said that

[General Smuts]

My favourite tenor is Flaccid-o Domingo.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My favourite tenor is Flaccid-o Domingo.

wanted a good one to carry this on but realised i couldnt rise to the occasion .......

[Rincewind]

Sorry about the joke I thought I had found the level needed on here.