The joke thread

[LCFC_FAN_1995]

I think Owen Hargreaves deserves a big pat on the back for his performance today.

But not too hard though, he might get injured.

[rico]

what's the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer?

the taste

[Rincewind]

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

[Rincewind]

A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again, "Jesus is watching you." He turned around & saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." He asked the parrot his name and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus.

[Saxondale]

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

[THFC6061]

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma.

[Simo86]

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said

to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter

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A crocodile hunter breezes into the bar with his pet 10ft long croc,.

He leaves it on the bar and tells the astonished patrons, "How about a deal,mates? I'll open the croc's mouth and place my manhood inside. He will close his mouth for a minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up,

'I'll try it......Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

Edited 22 September 2011 by Simo86

[Simo86]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special

about it?"!

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[Trav Le Bleu]

Life is like a box of chocolates - both are soon gone if you're morbidly obese.

[m00nie]

What do you call a fat laptop???

.......... Adell

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Man in hospital with Hoover stuck up his bum - Doctors say he’s picking up nicely

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just replaced the water in my fish tank with Lilt. Looks really tropical now

----------------------------------------------------

Said 2 pharmacist I need some condoms. She said, Just a minute? I said Yes, they’re the ones

[Rincewind]

can also be used for the fancy dress thread.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note.

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

* * * * * * * * * *

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

* * * * * * * * * *

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Sir,

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a ****ing toffee apple.

Very Truly Yours, Acme Costume Co

[Rincewind]

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.

It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

......Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes but it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy.

He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith...

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home..

[Wymsey]

When he was young, John Prescott wasn't keen to study the subject of maths.......

Until they told him it has a never ending pi.

[Rincewind]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the 500 € joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

[Rincewind]

from a Facebook contact. Comments are not mine.

Gail Price

Just thought I'd pass on some totally useless, yet amusing trivia about critters:

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (OMG!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts :0))

[Rincewind]

The sand's too hot and the women look too good in bikinis are just two of the odd complaints made by holiday-makers it's been revealed.

Customer services at an online travel agency have taken a look at some of more bizarre complaints they received in 2010 and produced a top 10 of the silliest.

1 - On arrival to the airport in the UK, when asked to present their passports, some ladies found themselves in a sticky situation as they claimed they were not reminded to bring their passports and thought that they didn't need them.

2 - On a trip to the Canary Islands, a lady who took her family of four on holiday put in a complaint about their beach experience. She claimed that, due to the warm weather, the sand was too hot and her children could not walk down to the sea for a swim.

3 - A man who went to the Costa del Sol complained that there was too much food to eat from the buffet in his all-inclusive hotel. As a result, he put on 'at least 5lbs' during his trip, which he wasn't too pleased about.

4 - Another male tourist, this time on holiday in Majorca, claimed that the number of bikini-clad women on the beach caused a fall-out between him and his wife, as he was caught ogling them 'on more than one occasion.'

5 - A couple who had spent two weeks in Marmaris, Turkey, said that their holiday had been a disappointment because there were 'too many English people around' and the main reason they went to Turkey in the first place was to experience somewhere 'more exotic.'

6 - One man said he was unhappy about the fact that he had not been able to fully enjoy his holiday to Portugal. His hotel bed was 'too comfy' meaning that he overslept on more than one occasion when he would have 'preferred to be up early and making the most of it.'

7 - A group of young adults who had travelled to Ayia Napa in Cyprus claimed that the 24 hour reception in their hotel made them feel like they were being 'judged' for returning back to their room late, despite the resort being renowned for partying and late nights.

8 - A man who had been to Tenerife complained that the Prada sunglasses he had purchased from a street seller for £4.50 were fakes.

9 - Another male holidaymaker claimed his fear of heights had prevented him from enjoying his flight to Mauritius.

10 - Finally, a man who had been with his wife to Bulgaria said that the couple in the room next door had been loud in their lovemaking, which subsequently made him feel 'pressured' into initiating sex with his own wife.

Chris Brown, of sunshine.co.uk, said: "We are more than happy to deal with any issues that arise, but we regret that we cannot be held responsible for the temperature of the sand, weight gain as a result of the amount of tasty food on offer or the number of fellow English tourists in the vicinity."

[Rincewind]

How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History

Attila the Hun:

One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.

How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night

In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

Tycho Brahe:

An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.

How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time

In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition -- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.

Horace Wells:

Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s

How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide

While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.

Francis Bacon:

One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.

How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken

One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

Jerome Irving Rodale:

Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.

How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits of organic foods.

Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.

Aeschylus:

A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.

How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head

According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

Jim Fixx:

Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.

How he died: A heart attack....while jogging

Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.

And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who wrote music for the king of France.

While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.

Highlighted my favourite. Watch out you baldies.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

How to pick you favourite film.

pick a number 1-9 times it by 3 add 3, times that by 3 and then add the 2 digits together

1 - Gone with the Wind

2 - Aliens

3 - Dances with Wolves

4 - Star Wars

5 - Saving Private Ryan

6 - Jaws

7 - Pirates of the Caribbean

8 - Dr Zhivago

9 - The joy of anal sex with male goats

[jonthefox]

How to pick you favourite film.

pick a number 1-9 times it by 3 add 3, times that by 3 and then add the 2 digits together

1 - Gone with the Wind

2 - Aliens

3 - Dances with Wolves

4 - Star Wars

5 - Saving Private Ryan

6 - Jaws

7 - Pirates of the Caribbean

8 - Dr Zhivago

9 - The joy of anal sex with male goats

[/quote

[The Doctor]

How to pick you favourite film.

pick a number 1-9 times it by 3 add 3, times that by 3 and then add the 2 digits together

1 - Gone with the Wind

2 - Aliens

3 - Dances with Wolves

4 - Star Wars

5 - Saving Private Ryan

6 - Jaws

7 - Pirates of the Caribbean

8 - Dr Zhivago

9 - The joy of anal sex with male goats

Dances with wolves

[Len Finsbury]

Just read that Henry Winkler, a.k.a. The Fonz, is being awarded an OBE by the Queen.

... Happy days!

[StanSP]

Doctor Dan had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dan, don't cry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Dan............. Dan............. Dan.............You're a veterinarian."

[General Smuts]

Chris Brown

I bet he's a hit with the ladies ...

[Saxondale]

4 - Another male tourist, this time on holiday in Majorca, claimed that the number of bikini-clad women on the beach caused a fall-out between him and his wife, as he was caught ogling them 'on more than one occasion.'

We've all had this conversation.

Edited 27 September 2011 by BornBlue

[FoxyPV]

We've all had this conversation.

That's what wraparound reflective sunglasses are for!