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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

A bit long but some funny parts in it.

Funny

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

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AoWW

AoWW

Posted
Posted

5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN!

(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut-up.

(2) NOTHING: means something & you need to be worried.

(3) GO AHEAD: this is a dare, not permission, do not do it.

(4) WHATEVER: A woman's way of saying, screw you.

(5) THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.

lol Have just seen this... so true. :D

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted (edited)

My mate said, "I like your car."

I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby."

He said, "How about I buy it off you."

I said, "Yeah go on then. Three grand?"

He said, "You've got yourself a deal."

I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad."

Edited by Paddy Akinbiyi
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Bilo

Bilo

Posted
Posted

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a

spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade,killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brlliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

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The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted (edited)

How the world lines up in a Korean war:

CHINA - Will probably stick up for North Korea. Why do you think they try this shit in the first place?

UNITED STATES - US soldiers will be desperate to fight for a country full of horny Asian girls in mini-skirts.

BRITAIN - Korea was probably part of the British Empire at some point, so we will be duty bound to help America commit savage war crimes.

GERMANY - God knows,but let's hope it's on our side.

ITALY - God knows,but let's hope it's on their side.

BRAZIL - We're not sure if Brazil has an army, but if it does, it's probably gay.

INDIA - Will favour the South due to the North's competing inexplicable space programme.

JAPAN - The Japanese have long coveted North Korea as a place to stack their rubbish.

FRANCE - Don't seem to be answering their phone at the moment. How odd.

Edited by LargeAl
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Bob Weasel Fox

Bob Weasel Fox

Posted
Posted

How the world lines up in a Korean war:

CHINA - Will probably stick up for North Korea. Why do you think they try this shit in the first place?

UNITED STATES - US soldiers will be desperate to fight for a country full of horny Asian girls in mini-skirts.

BRITAIN - Korea was probably part of the British Empire at some point, so we will be duty bound to help America commit savage war crimes.

GERMANY - God knows,but let's hope it's on our side.

ITALY - God knows,but let's hope it's on their side.

BRAZIL - We're not sure if Brazil has an army, but if it does, it's probably gay.

INDIA - Will favour the South due to the North's competing inexplicable space programme.

JAPAN - The Japanese have long coveted North Korea as a place to stack their rubbish.

FRANCE - Don't seem to be answering their phone at the moment. How odd.

eerrrm wrong thread? :dunno:

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lcfcadam

lcfcadam

Posted
Posted

I was under the impression that this thread was for incredibly shit "jokes".

Or not:

Sean Connery is sitting in his study when suddenly a book falls on his head.

He looks up and remarks......"i can only blame myshelf for that "

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MikeyT

MikeyT

Posted
Posted

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and a South African went to a night club. The bouncer said:

"Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai"

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