The joke thread

[flowwolf]

Paul McCartney had to break the terrible news to his children that Linda had passed away . Right then kids he said , I have some bad news and some goods news . I am sorry to say Mum has died but the good news is we are having sausages for breakfast .

Edited 17 October 2011 by flowwolf

[Narborough_fox]

In school, we had an assembly on bullying. The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal abuse he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?' Apparently, 'Up the arse!' wasn't a suitable answer.

[anotherharboroughfox]

THE "TWO COW" EXPLANATION OF THE WORLD

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:

You have two cows.

You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none! So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the

underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:

There are these two Jewish cows, right?

They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Edited 19 October 2011 by anotherharboroughfox

[AoWW]

Apologies if this has been posted before and I missed it.

[StanSP]

Saw that when the BlackBerry Messenger servers went down. Still as funny as it was when first seeing it

[Rincewind]

Elton John is to be a guest at Colnel Gadaffi's funeral. He's going to do a beatiful rendition of 'Sandal In The Wind'

[Wherethefoxhat?]

Bought my mrs some crotchless knickers for Halloween........

Thought it might give her a better grip on her broomstick

[Rincewind]

A bloke walks in a bar and orders 10 whiskeys. After downing them one after the other the barman says 'I'm Impressed what's the occasion?'

The bloke replies I just had my first blow job.'

The barman says 'congratulations let me but you another drink.'

The bloke says, 'No thanks, if the first 10 couldn't get rid of the taste another won't make any difference'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pope is very ill and the doctors are mystified all but one student doctor who sats to the pope you have semen blockage and he needs sex to cure it.

The pope says OK but the woman has to be blind so she can't see who I am, deaf so she doesn't recognise my voice, dumb so she can't speak of it, and one moere thing..

What is that your holiness?

She has to have big tits.

[jonthefox]

A helpline has been set up for man utd supporters.

The numbers 0800 616161.

[boring_jester]

a drum and a cymbal fall out of a tree. dim, dum, chi

[shass]

An American walks in to a bar, orders his drink and watches with amazement as a fellow drinker takes a small man and minature piano from a bag and places them on the bar.

The little man and his piano play beautiful music right on the bar top.

"Thats amazing" says the American, "where did you get him from?"

"This magic lamp in my bag" says the fellow drinker.

" Yeah! right" said the American " not the old magic lamp crap.

"Sorry mate... it's true, have a go.... just give it a rub."

The American takes the old brass lamp from the bag and rubs it gently.... a puff of smoke and a little lady genie appeared.

"Greetings sir.... what is your wish o' master?"

"Hey cool...! " says the Yank, " Gimee a couple hundred Bucks"

" Sorry? " says the little genie, cupping her hand around her hear...

"I said, a couple of hun... wait... A THOUSAND BUCKS.." shouted the yank.

"Your wish is granted" the genie smiled, bowed and climbed back into the lamp.

Nothing happened for a short while.... then a quacking was heard, first one then two and soon hundreds of ducks waddled into the bar.

The yank turned to the genie's owner. "Think your Genie is deaf bud.... I asked for a thousand bucks."

"Tell me about it," said the man, " you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist? "

[Zingari]

not really a joke , but i just found this headline slightly amusing

http://www1.skysports.com/football/news/11095/7266727/

[Tielemans63]

I've just been to see my doctor.

"How can I help you?" he asked.

I said, "I was chilling out this morning listening to 'In The Air Tonight' when suddenly my iPod accidentally slipped up my arse, now it's stuck."

He looked at me with a puzzled face and said, "I've never heard that one before."

I said, "It's a Phil Collins song."

[ScouseFox]

Saw a Hindu wearing a red and white striped jumper before. Where's Diwali?

[Rincewind]

Satans Visit

[The Doctor]

Pulled 2 Thai girls last night, was liking winning the lottery....

... we had 6 matching balls.

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

I just wanked myself into oblivion.

The staff at Alton Towers are fucking furious.

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

I recently suggested to my wife that she try masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

I told my mate Jermaine he was like marmite the other day.

"Why, because you either love me or hate me?" he asked.

"No." I said. "Because you're black and you smell."

[FoxesAreBlue]

I saw a blonde bird in the park the other night and said to her "you're gorgeous, are you a model?"

She flashed me a smile and said "yeah, as a matter of fact I am, you can see me in todays daily star on page 3"

"That's great" I replied as I pulled the rope out of my bag "tomorrow you're going to make the front page..."

Edited 27 October 2011 by blue-army-andy

[Rincewind]

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "****, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I ****'n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh ****" The priest said, "That's it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "****, I Missed".

[Nick]

I saw a blonde bird in the park the other night and said to her "you're gorgeous, are you a model?"

She flashed me a smile and said "yeah, as a matter of fact I am, you can see me in todays daily star on page 3"

"That's great" I replied as I pulled the rope out of my bag "tomorrow you're going to make the front page..."

[chuck'em]

I've just been to see my doctor.

"How can I help you?" he asked.

I said, "I was chilling out this morning listening to 'In The Air Tonight' when suddenly my iPod accidentally slipped up my arse, now it's stuck."

He looked at me with a puzzled face and said, "I've never heard that one before."

I said, "It's a Phil Collins song."

I would do the laugh but I'm on my phone and I don't know how

Edited 28 October 2011 by chuck'em

[Rincewind]

I had a similar problem.

I went to my doctor and said

I' keep singing The Green Grreen Grass of Home'

. He said I believe you have

Tom Jones syndrone.'

I said 'Is that common?

He replied 'Well, it's not unusual.'

Edited 28 October 2011 by Nightguard

[Reynard Bleu]

I was late walking into a very important meeting today.

"Sorry boss" I said, quickly sitting down.

I put my briefcase and a Doner kebab on the table and said, "Right, carry on."

My boss looked at our important clients, then he looked at me and said, "What's with the Doner kebab Dave?"

I said, "Just some salad and a bit of chilli sauce."