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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Wherethefoxhat?

Wherethefoxhat?

Posted
Posted

My boss thrust a picture under my nose.

"What the hell is this?" he asked

"Well,,,,,i calmly replied....it appears to be a photo of me ****ing your wife.You know it's not real don't you?

Its clearly been photoshopped !"

"What ... he replied,relaxing slightly...how can you tell ?"

"Well,your wifes tits are'nt that big & they've airbrushed out the mole by her fanny !!"

;)

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

What Goverments do

The government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning division and hired two people, one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a quality control (QC) division and hired two people, one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a payroll division and hired two more people a time keeper and a payroll officer.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative division and hired three more people: an Admin Officer, Assistant Admin Officer and a Legal Secretary.

Then, one year later, Congress reviewed the operation of the desert scrap yard and said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $22,000 over budget. We must cut back overall costs!" So they eliminated the night watchman.

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FoxyPV

FoxyPV

Posted
Posted

What Goverments do

The government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning division and hired two people, one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a quality control (QC) division and hired two people, one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a payroll division and hired two more people a time keeper and a payroll officer.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative division and hired three more people: an Admin Officer, Assistant Admin Officer and a Legal Secretary.

Then, one year later, Congress reviewed the operation of the desert scrap yard and said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $22,000 over budget. We must cut back overall costs!" So they eliminated the night watchman.

I thought it was the captain's decision to send out the night watchman :ph34r:

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Garden of Eden

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so

God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "I will give you a companion and it will be a woman." He

said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will

always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of

them.

"She will not nag," God continued, "and will always be the first to admit

she was wrong. When you've had a disagreement, she will never have a

headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg!"

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

AND THE REST IS HISTORY.

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

One for the teachers.

A little boy was doing his maths homework & saying: 2+5, the son of a bitch is 7. 3+6, the son of a bitch is 9

His Mom: What are you doing ?

... ...

Boy: I'm doing maths homework

Mom: is this how your teacher taught you ?

Boy: Yes

Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day- 'What are you teaching my son in maths?'

Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition.

Mom: you teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a bitch is 4 ?

Teacher after laughing: What I taught them was, 2+2, the sum of which is 4

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted

Moral of Aunty Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken..'

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.’

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

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Bert

Bert

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Posted

Paddy goes into a shop, sees a thermo-flask. Intrigued, he goes up to a shop assistant and says "excuse me, sir, what does this do? The shop assistant replies "well, it's a thermo-flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold".

Really impressed, Paddy says "great, I'll have that!!".

Next day, paddy takes his new flask to work. One of the lads says, "paddy, what's that?" "a thermo-flask!" paddy replies. "aah right, so what's that do then" his mate replies.

"well, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold". "So what you get in there paddy?" another lad asks.

"two cups of tea and an ice cream"

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FallenAngel

FallenAngel

Posted
Posted (edited)

I was showing my Doctor a nasty rash on my cock today, he seemed pretty uncomfortable and didnt want to touch it.

He just said to make an appointment for Monday morning, and carried on pushing his trolley around Morrisons.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When i was 14 my dad caught me smoking so he made me smoke the whole pack.......i wish he'd caught me ****ing that girl guide!!

Edited by FallenAngel
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