The joke thread

[Bob Weasel Fox]

100 Scousers were asked if Britain should change its currency?

98% said no, they should keep the giro

[kyle09uk]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University,

has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and

down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold

weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large

group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him

Killed it!

[Bob Weasel Fox]

i bought my ex-wife some crotchless knickers one haloween

it wasnt a sexual thing it was just so she could get a better grip on her broomstick

[Finnegan]

[Wherethefoxhat?]

His new girlfriend says she'll introduce him to the delights of 69.

After they've both rang the bell she asks him how he liked it

He says it was mind-blowing..........but.......he does'nt think he can manage another 68 !!!!

[Wherethefoxhat?]

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me: 'How did you find her body?' I said, 'Her tits were ok, but the rigormortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking'.

[Wherethefoxhat?]

Just had some awful news.......

...My mates new Thai wife's breast cancer has spread to her bollocks !!

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Me and the Mrs were driving down a dark lane when we hit a badger. We got out and found it alive but very cold.

I Sid to the Mrs "Out it between your legs to warm it up"

She said "I cant do that it fvcking stinks"

I said "Well hold the badgers nose then"

[Wherethefoxhat?]

Welsh guy persuaded his English girfriend to try Anal for the 1st time.

He said, "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word and I'll stop."

She said, "Ok, what's the safety word?"

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch"

[The Year Of The Fox]

whats the similarity between kfc and sex?

once you've nibbled the leg and the breast theres always a soggy box to put your bone in

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Paddy tells his wife "My arsehole is really burning, ive no idea what it is?"

His wife says "ring sting"

Paddy replies "How the fvck will he know"

[The Year Of The Fox]

how below the belt are jokes on here allowed to be?

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I got stopped for being on my phone earlier, the copper says "Where's your documents?"

"In the glove compartment with my gun" i told the officer

"Youve got a gun?" questioned the officer

"Yeah i shot the woman in the boot when i nicked the car" i said

The copper got on the radio and asked for lots of assistance.

Loads of squad cars turned up, the armed response officer asked me "wheres the gun?"

I replied "I havent got one"

He said "Where's the body?"

"What body" i replied with exasperation, "I bet the lying cvnt told you i was on the phone aswell"

[Jimmy]

I got stopped for being on my phone earlier, the copper says "Where's your documents?"

"In the glove compartment with my gun" i told the officer

"Youve got a gun?" questioned the officer

"Yeah i shot the woman in the boot when i nicked the car" i said

The copper got on the radio and asked for lots of assistance.

Loads of squad cars turned up, the armed response officer asked me "wheres the gun?"

I replied "I havent got one"

He said "Where's the body?"

"What body" i replied with exasperation, "I bet the lying cvnt told you i was on the phone aswell"

[thewarmanator]

I walked into subway this morning and asked for the biggest, greasiest and most expensive sub.....

I walked out with Andy Carroll

[Tielemans63]

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.

I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."

"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"

"The fat one's winning."

[flowwolf]

Two fly's on a stool one smiled at the other and said " doesn't dinner smell lovely "

[fatmando]

Some fooker sent me this:

g

a b

n

It's bang out of order.

[Saxondale]

Why did the scally cross the road?

To happy slap the chicken.

[Music Junkie]

Some fooker sent me this:

g

a b

n

It's bang out of order.

Slow clap.

Nah, I laughed.

[The Doctor]

I wish people would stop saying FYI to me, I'm not a fan of Fluorine, Yttrium or Iodine and have no desire to talk about them.

[Music Junkie]

What's big, red, and lies on its back?

A dead bus.

[Father Ted]

I wish people would stop saying FYI to me, I'm not a fan of Fluorine, Yttrium or Iodine and have no desire to talk about them.

Well clearly you do...

[The Doctor]

Seems a fairly appropriate thread to post it:

The concept of your intelligence.

[FoxesAreBlue]

I wish people would stop saying FYI to me, I'm not a fan of Fluorine, Yttrium or Iodine and have no desire to talk about them.

In a similar way, the acronym FML (fvck my life) really grates me - I don't even know why