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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Smudge

Smudge

Posted
Posted

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

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Wherethefoxhat?

Wherethefoxhat?

Posted
Posted

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

post-4683-0-16806500-1322673407_thumb.gi

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The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted

Or maybe your humour is dull and boring.

Ey?

It's a post in the JOKE thread and yet you've failed to realise it was an attempt at a joke (no matter how crap it was or not). If you still take it as a serious comment then it shows:

A) You aren't capable of reading

B) You're pretty ****ing stupid.

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral Director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologised to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man, and as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and headed for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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Jackirius

Jackirius

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Posted (edited)

Ey?

It's a post in the JOKE thread and yet you've failed to realise it was an attempt at a joke (no matter how crap it was or not). If you still take it as a serious comment then it shows:

A) You aren't capable of reading

B) You're pretty ****ing stupid.

Or C) Large Al is an annoying prick.

Edited by Jackirius
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The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted

Or C) LargeAl is an annoying ****.

There is no or.

I've never denied being an annoying ****, but my point is: the post Father Ted quoted was in this thread, titled "The joke thread". He's seemingly taken it as a serious comment, ergo he's not really grasped the concept of a thread specifically for Jokes.

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Father Ted

Father Ted

Posted
Posted

Ey?

It's a post in the JOKE thread and yet you've failed to realise it was an attempt at a joke (no matter how crap it was or not). If you still take it as a serious comment then it shows:

A) You aren't capable of reading

B) You're pretty ****ing stupid.

Or maybe your jokes just stand out for being shit, oh and what jackirius said.

There is no or.

I've never denied being an annoying ****, but my point is: the post Father Ted quoted was in this thread, titled "The joke thread". He's seemingly taken it as a serious comment, ergo he's not really grasped the concept of a thread specifically for Jokes.

Jokes are meant to be funny...

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Or maybe your jokes just stand out for being shit, oh and what jackirius said.

Jokes are meant to be funny...

But many are not because of the 'It's the way I tell them' factor or because the reader/listener has a different/no SOH.

TBH I never understood that joke but it never bothered me.

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The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted

Or maybe your jokes just stand out for being shit, oh and what jackirius said.

Jokes are meant to be funny...

And it all depends on what an individual considers funny... frusty.gif

For instance,a quick search of the web and you'll find lots of rape jokes and racist jokes - I don't find them funny, but clearly some people do. Likewise I find science based jokes quite funny, but others don't. I'd disagree with Nightguard slightly in that I think it is down to the tellers SOH and whether it matches up to the readers SOH.

Organic chemistry is a difficult subject, those studying it have alkynes of trouble.

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

There is no or.

I've never denied being an annoying ****, but my point is: the post Father Ted quoted was in this thread, titled "The joke thread". He's seemingly taken it as a serious comment, ergo he's not really grasped the concept of a thread specifically for Jokes.

Are you joking? :thumbup:

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

I like this one lol

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

Redneck girl asks her Dad to buy her a dress for the dance.

Dad says sure ,you suck my dick and i will buy the dress.

Girl goes down on her dad.. stops and says "gee Dad your dick tastes like shit".

Dad replies "your brother wanted to borrow the car".

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