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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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marbelladave

marbelladave

Posted
Posted (edited)

ms-2 actually as it's metres PER second squared, needs either a / between m and s or the power to be -2.

Quite right...... :shutup:

Teach me to get uppity.

Remenber a series of Einstein one liners from some time ago, pretty good if I recall. I'm off to search the interweb..

But first a quickie, inspired by one of yours above...

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

Edited by marbelladave
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StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted

Talking of insults, whilst on holiday earlier this year there was a group of very overweight americans in our hotel. My wife refered to them throughout the holiday as VFS, it took me a few days to work it out, 'Visible From Space'!

Instantly reminded me of this:

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marbelladave

marbelladave

Posted
Posted

A mathematician tries to dial out for a pizza, he gets the message, "The number you have dialled is imaginary, please rotate your phone through 90 degrees and try again".

Q. Why do mathematicians confuse Christmas with Halloween?

A. Because dec25 = oct31.

If you do not understand the above jokes, Call 0800 [(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

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jonthefox

jonthefox

Posted
Posted

Not really, I'm just an Ueber nerd.

the first one is a play on Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, which states that it is impossible to know the exact velocity and position of an object.

The second - Schrödinger's theoretical cat to demonstrate wave-particle duality, until the box is opened the cat is in a superposition of both states (alive and dead), upon opening the wave function is collapsed and the cat take one state - in this case dead.

Three, if you say 80p out loud, particularly with a terrible speaking voice like mine, it sounds like ATP, which is the energy currency of a biological cell.

four, Lead is a soft, malleable metal with the atomic number of 82.

five, The higgs boson is a theoretical sub atomic particle which is believed to give all objects mass and is referred to as the god particle. If there are no Higgs Boson's then there is no mass - which is also a catholic church ceremony.

In mathematics a scalar is a dimensionless quantity which is determined solely by it's magnitude, while a vector is a quantity with both magnitude and direction - as such it is impossible for the two to cross on a graph. A mountain climber scales peaks and so is a scaler (scalar) while mosquitoes are sometimes referred to as insect vectors - hence mosquito = vector, mountain climber = scalar - impossible for the two to cross.

In statistics, people measure degrees of freedom, which is the number of values at the end of a calculation that are free to vary. If someone is in prison they have no freedom - combine the two so in a statistical prison there are no degrees of freedom, or a statistician in prison has no degrees of freedom.

The key difference in structure between animal cells and plant cells (biologically) is that plant cells have a cell wall, vacuole and chloroplasts, the animal cell doesn't have this - so an animal cell has no walls - transfer that to prison cells and if a cell has no wall, it can easily be escaped from

The final one is all about chemical symbols - Deuterium is a hydrogen isotope with a Neutron in it's nucleus - much rarer than the other isotope 1-protium, but used in NMR, and has a chemical symbol of D to distinguish it from 1-protium which uses H. Iodine has the chemical symbol I, Seaborgium is Sg, Radium is Ra and Cerium is Ce. So the chemical symbols of Deuterium, Iodine, Seaborgium, Radium and Cerium spell out DISgRaCe or disgrace.

and Marbella Dave - heard that one several times, some great intergrational jokes out there.

Now then - incredibly nerdy pick up lines:

If I was an enzyme I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Hey 1/cos C, want a drink?

I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.

You've got to be Sin2x + Cos2x 'cause you are the 1.

If I were an endoplasmic reticulum would you want me rough or smooth?

Nice dress, it would look even better accelerating towards my bedroom floor at 9.8 ms-2

And nerdy insults:

Yo mamma's so fat her dress size is event horizon.

You're so ugly not even fluorine will bond with you.

edit: I really shouldn't be allowed in this thread anymore.

see above.

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marbelladave

marbelladave

Posted
Posted

Two mathematicians are sitting at the bar musing on the lack of mathematics understanding in the general puplic, one goes to the lavatory so the other decides to play a joke on him.

He call over the pretty blonde barmaid and explains that he is playing a joke on his friend and asks her to answer "x to the third over 3" when he asks her a question.

When his friend returns he calls over the barmaid and says, "what do you get if you integrate x squared"?

"x to the third over 3" says the barmaid......

........plus C.

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Jordan

Jordan

Posted
Posted (edited)

A Red Indian introduced me to his wife "this is 3 horses" he said

"Wow, thats a beautiful name, what does it mean?" i replied

"nag, nag, nag" he replied

Ha. And it reminds me of this dumb ol' joke:

A Sioux chief is relaxing after a long day of hunting when his son runs over to him and asks, "Dad? I've got a question: Why are you named 'Sleeping Buffalo?'"

"Well, son," the chief says, "On the night I was born, my father looked out across the prairie, and he saw a buffalo sleeping peacefully... so, he named me, 'Sleeping Buffalo.'"

"Oh, OK," says the son, who runs off, but then goes right back to his father and asks, "Dad? Do you know why is mom named, "Running Deer?"

"Well son," the chief says, "On the night your mother was born, your grandfather looked out across the prairie, and he saw a deer running in the distance... so, he named your mother, 'Running Deer.'"

"Oh, OK," says the son, who turns away, but goes right back again and says, "Dad? Why is..."

The chief snaps back, "Enough! Can't you see I'm trying to rest? Just leave me alone already, Two Dogs Fvcking!"

Edited by Jordan
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The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted (edited)

A mathematician wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 12:15!" The mathematician replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.

Philosophy exam:

There was one question: "Why?" If you answered "Why not?", you got a C, if you answered "Because" you got a B, and if you answered "Why, indeed?" you got an A. All other answers failed, except one that read "Fish!", which was awarded the Dean's Prize for Postmodernist Argument.

Edited by Mr Al Snrub
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lcfcadam

lcfcadam

Posted
Posted

Philosophy exam:

There was one question: "Why?" If you answered "Why not?", you got a C, if you answered "Because" you got a B, and if you answered "Why, indeed?" you got an A. All other answers failed, except one that read "Fish!", which was awarded the Dean's Prize for Postmodernist Argument.

:thumbdown:

My mum just can't get on with her new stanna stair lift.

It's driving her up the wall.

:thumbsup:

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HEGGSY

HEGGSY

Posted
Posted

A mathematician wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 12:15!" The mathematician replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.

Philosophy exam:

There was one question: "Why?" If you answered "Why not?", you got a C, if you answered "Because" you got a B, and if you answered "Why, indeed?" you got an A. All other answers failed, except one that read "Fish!", which was awarded the Dean's Prize for Postmodernist Argument.

:| really bad mate sorry :/

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