The joke thread

[Rincewind]

Non-nerdy joke.

Cherll Blair and her driver were going down a country lane when a cow stepped in front of the car. Not being able to stop the driver hit it and killed it outright. Having looked around the driver pointed out a farmhouse nearby and said he would go and see if the animal belonged to them.

After a while she came back and Cherrll asked what had happened.

'Well it was strange, when I told them they fetched a wine bottle out and gave me a plate of treats.

'What on earth did you say to get that treatment?

'Well all I said was that I was Cherrlls Blairs driver we had an accident down the road and the cow is dead.'

Might also work with any celeb not in favour.

Edited 14 December 2011 by Nightguard

[Rincewind]

Santa Claus - the facts :

1. He wears red

2. He's good at breaking into houses

3. He has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace

4. He drives an unlicensed vehicle

5. He only works one day a year.......

Lapland my arse - he's a ****in SCOUSER!!!

[Rincewind]

God, wanking, doing nothing as usual, suddenly jumped...

"What the **** was that big bang?"

[Alexikokopops]

'Considerable difference' would have been more appropriate as you didn't report a P value.

This is my favourite of all the nerdy ones

[Filbert_Ross]

My mates gambling is getting out of hand. He's just bet his newborn son in a game of poker. I thought, " I may have to raise him"

[Narborough_fox]

I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

[Filbert_Ross]

I was in court for stealing a bag, it only took 3 minutes to get sentenced.

It was a brief case.

[StanSP]

I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

I was in court for stealing a bag, it only took 3 minutes to get sentenced.

It was a brief case.

Both very good!

[Narborough_fox]

Just bought Cluedo: Gang Rape edition. Turns out they all did it.

[MikeyT]

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctors described his condition as stable.

Edited 19 December 2011 by MikeyT

[Head Honcho]

My misses said i bet you cant go a whole day without saying a period joke -------- i said your on ---- haha

[Tielemans63]

So, Kim Jong il has died.

For those stupid people who don't keep up with current affairs, she was the leader of North Korea.    

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Just received a christmas card full of rice

it must be from Uncle Ben

[Bob Weasel Fox]

There is a new brand of Viagra out called 007

it makes you "Roger Moore"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My wife said she wanted something clear, tasteful and sparkly for her birthday

Lemonade it is then . . . .

[Maybes]

Blackburn Rovers

[HEGGSY]

I can think of 40000 reasons why I'd 8 to be Luis Suarez right now

[Tielemans63]

Hearing aid for sale.

Anyone interested give me a shout.

[Rincewind]

Vatican Announces New Guidelines For Priests Walking Into Bars With A Nun And A Rabbi

• 
  
• 
  

VATICAN CITY—The Vatican today released long-awaited guidelines for Catholic priests who enter bars accompanied by a nun and a rabbi. “Although the Catholic Church is not against the consumption of alcohol by priests per se,” said Vatican spokesperson Federico Lombardi, “or entering establishments where it is served, care should nonetheless be exercised when doing so in the presence of a nun and a rabbi, lest our clergy become the object of ridicule by bartenders.”

The guidelines call for, among other things, not speaking with the bartender under any circumstances and avoiding any eye contact with ducks. Lombardi defended the new policy against charges of anti-Semitism by emphasizing that the policy “also applies to walking into bars with blondes.” As of press time, the Catholic Church had no plans to extend the prohibition to the Irish, though the policy is still under review for stupid Polacks.

The Catholic Church has struggled for many years with issues involving priests in car accidents with Lutheran ministers, taking confession from little old ladies, and talking to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Still, bars, nuns, and rabbis have always been the most problematic situation faced by Catholic clergy in recent years.

Vatican observers have speculated that the new policy, promulgated by Pope Benedict XVI himself, comes in response to the pedophilia cases involving priests that have rocked the Church in recent years. According to Vatican observer Patrick Thibodeaux, the explicit warning about entering bars with rabbis will help: “Rabbis cut them off,” Thibodeaux said, “whereas priests suck them off.”

“Or haven’t you heard that one?” he added.

http://smew.com/media/k2/items/cache/9be642f7225e5efa14b57559f92dbcc8_M.jpg

[Webbo]

Some Steven Wright quotes;

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

Read more:

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/s/steven_wright_5.html#ixzz1hs3pFFLU

[Alexikokopops]

Old Jews Telling Jokes: Episode 1

[Tielemans63]

I said to my mate, "Bet you can't guess how much I won at the bookies yesterday?"

He chuckled, "Go on then put me out of my misery."

So I shot his wife.    

[Saxondale]

Courtesy of some bloke on Twitter:

akickintheblog AKickintheBlogocks

What's the difference between Pat Butcher and the #lcfc midfield? Pat put up a fight for nearly an hour

[Rincewind]

@GodsWordIsLaw on twitter Comes out with some great statements. He doesn't like Ricky Gervais though.

GodsWordIsLaw Keith

Feminism was the worst thing to ever happen to America. Now women emulate whores like Snooki and Kartrashians. What happened to Hepburn?

Edited 2 January 2012 by Nightguard

[Webbo]

@GodsWordIsLaw on twitter Comes out with some great statements. He doesn't like Ricky Gervais though.

GodsWordIsLaw Keith

Feminism was the worst thing to ever happen to America. Now women emulate whores like Snooki and Kartrashians. What happened to Hepburn?

Isn't this the joke thread?