The joke thread

[Rincewind]

The big bottle of booze I bought earlier was £21 after the budget.....

.... but I'm still going to party like it's £19.99.

Should not the price be 20.12?

[Orkneyfox]

Should not the price be 20.12?

try http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjivDeA7Qu0

[Rincewind]

I understand the joke but 2012-1999 instead of 2100-1999?

[UpTheLeagueFox]

I hate splinters.

I hope I don’t get any more.

Touch wood.

I’m really angry.

Some absolute swine has been stealing my bank documents.

The police have been no help whatsoever.

In fact they’ve made the situation worse.

All they’ve done is take a statement.

When my dad had his first heart attack, it was suggested he should get a pacemaker.

I thought this was a bad idea.

I mean… he couldn’t even run let alone keep up with someone.

Other lame stuff with daft photos compiled for your viewing pleasure every Wednesday at

www.randomsillynonsense.com

[isaidno]

My mate Paddy has been panic buying diesel. So far he's got 4 pairs of jeans, 8 shirts & 6 bottles of aftershave.

[Tielemans63]

Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds.

Luckily I wrote this in just sex.    

[Webbo]

A mummy covered in chocolate & nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it's a Phararaoh Rocher..

[Wycombe Fox]

Man Utd & Arsenal last 7 games: WWWWWWW.

Man City last 7 games: WWWLWWD.

Chelsea last 7 games: DLWLWLD.

Liverpool last 7 games: ROFLMAO

This week it's good Friday, when thoughts turn to a man who died on the end of a cross.

Happy Easter, Andy Carroll

I took the missus on a bungee jumping course last weekend. She was well up for it and after a bit of initial coaching she demanded that she be allowed to jump first.

Later that afternoon as her neck snapped clean in two, her skull split into numerous fragments with blood and brains being showered over the rocks below I thought "That'll teach you to lie about your weight!"

[UpTheLeagueFox]

I’ve just bought a new fridge that chills to absolute zero.

How cool is that?

They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.

But perhaps not when meeting Stephen Hawking or someone with a stutter for the first time.

Other lame stuff with daft photos compiled for your viewing pleasure every Wednesday at

www.randomsillynonsense.com

[Webbo]

I went to my new doctor's office the other day. She is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny..."

[Rincewind]

A honeymoon are getting ready for bed when she stubs her toe on the edge of the bed. The bloke says

'Come here darling and I'll kiss it better.' She does and soon they are making love.

After she gets up to go to the bathroom and stubs her toe on the bedroom door. The husband says

'Watch where you are going you stupid bitch.'

[Rincewind]

I went to the doctors. I said I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass Of Home He says 'You have the Tom Jones Syndrome.'

I said 'Is that common?'

He says

'Well it's not unusual'

[FantasticMrFuchs]

Kenny Dalglish Goes In To Church To Confession "Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned!" The Priest Replies "Come Forth My Child!" Dalglish Retorts. " Come Forth?! We'll Be Lucky If We Come Bloody Tenth!"

[Reynard Bleu]

Woman & baby go to docs. Doc is concerned about babys weight. "Is he bottle or breast fed" he asks. "Breast fed" says woman. He asks her to strip to the waist, pinches & sucks

her nipples & rubs both tits for a while. "no wonder he's under weight you've no milk" . "I know"

says the woman "I'm his gran, but I'm ****ing glad I came".

[Wycombe Fox]

I love fancy dress parties. I'm going to one tonight dressed as Caroll.

I'm not expecting to score.

My wife came home from work yesterday crying and asked me to console her so I hit her over the head with my PS3.

Father O'Reilly let the kids of his Parish shave his hair off for charity.

Asked if how he felt, he said,

"It feels a bit strange, but it really makes my cock look bigger!"

.

Edited 10 April 2012 by Isle of Wight Fox

[Orkneyfox]

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

[KidKunny]

My wife said whisper something dirty to me

So I replied 'The dishes'.

[Orkneyfox]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

[jonthefox]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

[lewis1507]

what do you think of this match report from mondays game?

[Asha]

The teams in the play-offs will 'want to stay there'. Cutting edge analysis there, crazy.

[lewis1507]

i know 350 iq for this bloke

[Len Finsbury]

what do you think of this match report from mondays game?

And this is why cousins shouldn't marry.

[Tielemans63]

"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

..............................................................................

 

I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought.

Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.    

 

[GLC]

what do you think of this match report from mondays game?

Can he please straighten the picture frame!?!?!?