Our system detected that your browser is blocking advertisements on our site. Please help support FoxesTalk by disabling any kind of ad blocker while browsing this site. Thank you.
Jump to content
 Share
Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

Recommended Posts

UpTheLeagueFox

UpTheLeagueFox

Posted
Posted (edited)

I’ve been invited to a house party.

I’m going as Hugh Laurie.

***

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all of their food?

***

I’ve changed my gas supplier – from Heinz to Branston.

***

I’ve joined a dating website for lonely pyromaniacs.

I’m still looking for the perfect match.

***

Other daft stuff at www.randomsillynonsense.com

Edited by djwanker
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

The sailor and the priest

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "****, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I ****'n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh ****" The priest said, "That's it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "****, I Missed".

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

When i first saw it i thought he was going to tell pirate jokes but that was the play button!!! :whistle:

When you put your mouse over it it goes red and he looks like terminator.

"i'll be backward"

:chant:lol

Fantastic

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Orkneyfox

Orkneyfox

Posted
Posted (edited)

That joke about Tom Jones, which is a hardy perennial, pre-dates TIm Vine by many years, as does

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains"

"Dont be ridiculous - pull yourself together"

(probably Tommy Cooper)

Edited by Orkneyfox
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

The Tom Jones one was used by someone I used to know who ran a writing group. We produced a one off mad for Shelter and he used that joke in the intro as an 'obligatory joke' I still have a copy somewhere and one of my poems is in it. Got to be over 15 years ago now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Angering The Irish...

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.

"The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch."

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your friends were trying to tell me."

Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The lad smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor chap broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me"

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites
lcfcadam

lcfcadam

Posted
Posted

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The lad smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor chap broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me"

lol I like

Link to comment
Share on other sites
lcfcadam

lcfcadam

Posted
Posted

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.

"Oh yes, quite a few", the Librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that", I replied. "They'll all be ruined by now".

----------------

Two Irishmen stranded on an iceberg.

One says to the other, "Look, we're saved, there comes the Titanic"

...

Both courtesy of the ever-reliable Sickipedia

Link to comment
Share on other sites
lcfcadam

lcfcadam

Posted
Posted

Not a "joke" as such, but some of these tweets are really rather marvellous:

"How Twitter users turned the tables on the English Defence League"

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/apr/16/twitter-users-turned-on-english-defence-league

Think my personal favourite is:

Dear Gardeners Question Time, I have recently bought a #creepingsharia and am unsure which way it should be facing. Please help.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
MPH

MPH

Posted
Posted

I am SURE this is an old one,,, but couldnt help repeat it....

Stephen hawkings went out on his first date in 10 years. When he got back his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up ..

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted

This is an old one I remembered yesterday when watching a western, but it's a classic. Had me giggling just thinking about it.

A cowboy riding through a canyon finds a native with his head on the floor listening for movement.

"Have you found anything?" asks the cowboy.

"Buffalo come," replies the native.

"Really, how do you know?" says the cowboy somewhat impressed.

"Ear stuck to ground."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
 Share
Go to topic listing

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...