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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

Everton have lodged an appeal with the F.A.

over the penalty they will concede against Man Utd this weekend when someone brushes against Ashley Young in the area.

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Zingari

Zingari

Posted
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Posted (edited)

not a joke but i've just seen this on Bentleys Roof lol

thread title

RIP Bert

OP;

Bert "Play In A Day" Weedon. Died age 91. My first guitar guru.

Reply 1 ;

For a moment, I thought that the Foxestalk 'club insider' Bert had croaked it.

Reply 2

It couldn't have been Bert from Foxes Talk because he would have told us it was going to happen weeks ago

Reply3

... And then he'd have been wrong.

http://fansonline.ne...w.php?id=512361

Edited by Zingari
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Smudge

Smudge

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DOG FOR SALE

A man sees a sign outside a house - ‘Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS. "In no time at all, they had me jetting around the world, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable assets for eight years.

As time went by all that travel really tired me out, and as I wasn't getting any younger I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work. I'd wander near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" 


"Because he's a lying bastard. He’s never been out of the garden."

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Someone on www.poetrysoup.com posted this as a comment on a Haiku I posted there. Not really a joke but I find it funny.

Politics

Three-fold pay rise. Two-



faced politicians, One-

way thought. Me , me, me.

"Life is tough for a politician. Do you realize that when they get a colonoscopy they have to have their head removed from where its parked before the proctologist can operate. Good observation."

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leicesterlad1989

leicesterlad1989

Posted
Posted

I know it doesn't belong here so move as you please...

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE

By John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

John Cleese: British writer, actor and tall person

A final thought: Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

I find it funny anyway

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted

My wife just asked me to do that thing from The Full Monty, so I stood up and started singing the tune as I unbuttoned my shirt and swayed my hips from side to side,

"No", she interrupted "Get down the bloody jobcentre you lazy bastard".

........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window".

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window".

I said, "You do now".

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
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"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me!

Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes.

"The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away."

"I see. What do you want me to do?"

The patient implored: "Break my arms."

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Saxondale

Saxondale

Posted
Posted

Some from the Adam and Joe skool of comedy:

What is the correct protocol when entering a room occupied by one of the wives of Henry VIII?

Just amble in.

What advice did the frog give to the condom manufacturer?

Rib it.

Why was the stupid basalt happier than the clever limestone?

Because igneous is bliss.

What did two compound analgesic painkillers do to jointly encrypt the burrowing garden mammal?

Co-code-a-mole.

Why did the Belgian keep mixing up his indefinite articles?

Because he was an twerp.

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Zingari

Zingari

Posted
Posted

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take that red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

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