The joke thread

[cambridgefox]

I was looking at DVDs in Tescos today when a man asked whether I had seen Schindlers list.

"Dunno,I said.Has he tried looking in his trolley"

[Parafox]

Realising that he is to be unemployed during the Olympics David Beckham has once again turned his thoughts to money making ventures and expanding the "Beckham" brand.

It has been announced that the Olympic football experience is to be enhanced by the opening of his new Smoothie stand on Wembley Way. It is to be called "Blend It Like Beckham"

I can see why you're in law and not comedy

[jonthefox]

I was talking to a girl in the pub last night and she told me she likes sex and the city.

I said "what a coincidence, so do i ". "were you at wembley when we beat derby?".

Edited 4 July 2012 by jonthefox

[Saxondale]

I was talking to a girl in the pub last night and she told me she likes sex and the city.

I said "what a coincidence, so do i ". "were you at wembley when we beat derby?".

Bloody superb!

[Lamby]

A priest asked the Pope if it was okay to have sex with young boys? The Pope said " it's legal when they've left school." The priest said " ****in roll on 4 o'clock"

[Jaspa]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend ?

Spoiler white text > Wiped His Butt

[Tielemans63]

What berries do fat people enjoy the most?

Cadburys.

[Rincewind]

Late one night, an alien spacecraft

landed near a deserted petrol station.

One of the aliens came down the

ramp, looked around, and walked over

to one of the petrol pumps.

He demanded: ‘‘Earthling! Take me to

your leader!’’ The petrol pump did not

reply. Then the alien became agitated

and again demanded, ‘‘Take me to

your leader!’’

The petrol pump remained silent.

Frustrated, the alien went back to the

spacecraft where he was confronted by

the Captain.

‘‘Report what you have found out

about the earthlings,’’ demanded the

captain.

‘‘I contacted an earthling, but he

would not co-operate.’’

‘‘I will deal with this earthling myself,’’

said the captain.

‘‘Yes sir. Be careful, sir, I have a feeling

there could be trouble.’’

The captain left the ship and

approached the petrol pump.

‘‘Earthling, you will co-operate. Take

me to your leader.’’

The petrol pump remained

unresponsive.

‘Very well!’’ The captain drew his

blaster. ‘‘If you do not respond by the

count of three, I shall be forced to fire

on you! One. Two. Three.’’

ZZZZT: WHAM! The petrol pump

exploded, knocking the alien over. The

captain jumped up and got back to the

ship as fast as he could.

‘‘Quickly! Make ready to depart!’’

‘‘Yes sir. What happened sir?’’

‘‘I fired on the earthling and it

responded very forcefully.’’

‘‘Sorry sir, I was afraid that might

happen.’’

‘‘How did you know that there would

be trouble?’’

‘‘Well sir, I assumed that anyone who

can take his d**k, wrap it around

his feet and stick it in his left ear is

probably going to be one bad b*****d.’’

[Rincewind]

There is a fly flying over the water of the lake... the fish thinks "When that fly flies low enough I'm going to jump up and get it!"

the bear watching the fly thinks to himself " When the fly flies low enough, the fish is going to jump up and get it, and I'm going to get the fish" The hunter watching the bear thought to himself "When the fly flies low enough, and the fish jumps up to get it, the bear will get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear". The mouse was sitting up in the hunter's cabin at the top of the hill and thought to himself " when that fly flies low enough, the fish will jump to get it, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I'm going to get his cheese!" The hunter's cat was watching the whole situation and thought to himself... "When the fly flies low enough, the fish will jump to get it, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will get the cheese, and I'll get the mouse!"

so everything happens.... the fly flies low to the water, the fish jumps up and catches the fly. The bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse then goes for the hunter's cheese, then the cat jumps for the mouse... misses the mouse and crashes through the window, rolls down the hill and splashes into the water...

What's the moral of the story?

WHEN THE FLY GOES DOWN THE PUSSY GETS WET!

[sphericalfox]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Vinnie

Edited 8 July 2012 by sphericalfox

[Rincewind]

Paddy found wires sticking out of his sandwich so he phoned the police."

Hello I think there's a bomb in my sandwich"

"Okay, is it tickin" the police man replied"

No" paddy said. "I think its tuna".

[Tielemans63]

Two Irishman, Paddy & Murphy;

Paddy: What have you got in that sack?

Murphy: I've got some chickens and if you can guess how many are in the sack you can have both of them.

[skinnydipper]

The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season.

Apparently it doesn't work with goal posts made from jumpers.

[skinnydipper]

I bumped into Sian Massey in the street today. I said, "Are you aware of the uproar caused after you officiated at the Liverpool v Wolves game? I mean, two Sky Sports pundits were..."

"Yeah yeah," she interrupted. "Tell me something I don't know."

So I explained the offside rule.

[Tielemans63]

I was in Australia with the wife, when she was stung on the pink lady by a hornet. I took her to the Doctor, who was a bit of a surfer type.I said "Doctor help! My wife has been stung on her vagina and it's completely closed up!" "Bummer dude!" Came the response. "Good thinking doctor, bye".

[skinnydipper]

Just had a sage and onion enema.

It's knocked the stuffing out of me.

To celebrate being found not guilty John Terry is having a party at his mansion and has invited all the black players from Chelsea FC.

Their duties will include parking guests cars and serving drinks.

Sky Sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D. They meant Rangers in D3.

The other day, John Terry called me a drunken ****ing ****, who cheats on his wife, sleeps with his team mate's girlfriends, racially abuses black people, has a mother who's a shoplifter, a father who's a drug dealer and insists on taking the credit for trophies his team have won despite not playing in the final.

I was offended at first, but then I realised he was only repeating what I'd said to him...

[Ilkeston_Fox]

Well as it's the weekend (and the bar is open) before we break bread (clink glasses) join me in a short prayer of thanks....

The Beer Prayer:

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk,

(I will be drunk),

At home as I am in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us,

and lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers,

For thine is the beer,

The bitter and the lager,

Forever and ever,

Barmen.

Happy drinking

[Trav Le Bleu]

I used to work for a guy and all his female employees were named Rachael.

That was until he got sued for Rachael prejudice.

[Guest]

coat

[Trav Le Bleu]

I'm here all week!

[Lamby]

A Pakistani family were driving in the car when they passed a sign that said 30. So they stopped and 12 got out.

[Guest]

A Pakistani family were driving in the car when they passed a sign that said 30. So they stopped and 12 got out.

Is that funny?

[Fox92]

I get it.

[Rincewind]

A white British family were driving in the car when they passed a sign that said 30. So they stopped and 12 got out.

Is this funny?

[Guest]

Is this funny?

right so it was just a false racist joke.

Madonna was driving down down a road when she passed a sign that said 30. So she stopped and got out.

Is that funny too?