The joke thread

[MikeyT]

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it!

[Guest]

some simple jokes that made me laugh.

[Jaspa]

[Tielemans63]

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my frickin' eye out.    

[Guest]

I heard that there were two types of football at the paralympics. 5 a side and 7 a side.

I didn't know that not being able to count qualified you for the paras.

[jonthefox]

]Not to be outdone by Manchester utd, Liverpool announced thier latest signing today....................Robin van stereo's.

Edited 23 August 2012 by jonthefox

[Tinman]

The wife said she wanted a breast enlargement,

I said "All you have to do is rub a piece of tissue paper between your tits a couple of times a day and they'll get bigger"

"Really?" she says.

"Well it works for your arse"

[Nick]

My girlfriend said that turning off her Mum's life support machine was the most difficult thing she has ever had to do.

I told her that she clearly hadn't sneezed whilst trying not to spill a full pint.

[Guest MattP]

My boss called this morning and shouted, "Where the **** are you? It's 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8."

"Relax, I'm in my office." I replied.

"Quit the shit" he roared, "I'm standing in your office."

Then I said, "Oh sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job."

[Guest Col city fan]

Madge comes home having just been to see her Doctor..

'Stan! Stan' she shouts....

Stan begrudgingly looks up from his paper...

What love? He says..

'Ive just been to see that Dr. Thomas and he said... He said....

''Spit it out' says Stan.

'HE SAID I HAVE A NICE FANNY' Madge blurts out..

'What?' shouts Stan 'the dirty bastard, I'm not having that!'

With that, Stan grabs Madge's hand and marches her down to the surgery.

He rushes in, still grabbing Madge, throws the consulting room door open and confronts Dr. Thomas.

'is it right you said my Madge has a nice fanny?' shouts Stan..

Dr. Thomas, busy scribbling some notes looks up bewildered, thinks about it and calmly says:

' of course not Mr. Smith, I said I thought she had acute angina'....

[joeasis]

what's blue and fluffy?

Blue fluff.

[Knightonian]

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/08/28/us/montana-big-foot-accident/index.html?hpt=hp_t3

This sort of should be in here for the Darwin Awards....

[Captain...]

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/08/28/us/montana-big-foot-accident/index.html?hpt=hp_t3

This sort of should be in here for the Darwin Awards....

They let 15 year olds drive!!!

[Trav Le Bleu]

Not so much a joke as a funny true story from work.

One of the other posties had delivered a parcel when a woman a couple of doors down came out and gave him a fiver.

"You do a great job and you deserve this!" she said.

He didn't want to take it, but she insisted, "we don't need it and you work very hard!" before closing the door on him.

My colleague then noticed that there was one of those green garden waste bag lying empty on the doorstep and he rang the bell.

"You do know that I'm not the person who empties your garden waste, don't you? I'm the postie."

And she took the fiver back!

[Tielemans63]

I have recently become a Father again, having had 3 boys.

If I'm being honest, I never expected the Catholic Church to let me back in.    

[Guest]

Paddy, love many of your posts but that sig is driving me crazy. It's time you chose a new one.

[Captain...]

Yet can ignore individual sigs if you want, I have them all switched off, makes work browsing easier.

[Tielemans63]

Paddy, love many of your posts but that sig is driving me crazy. It's time you chose a new one.

FIF, I think you're right my friend. I'll have a look for a new one post haste!

[GLC]

frankieboyle

Sadly our Paralympian in the high jump isn’t expected to match his personal best. But I hear it doesn’t count as it was ‘Taliban assisted’.

29/08/2012 19:33

[Guest]

Yet can ignore individual sigs if you want, I have them all switched off, makes work browsing easier.

Thanks I never knew that.

[ADK]

frankieboyle

Sadly our Paralympian in the high jump isn’t expected to match his personal best. But I hear it doesn’t count as it was ‘Taliban assisted’.

29/08/2012 19:33

[stix]

frankieboyle

Sadly our Paralympian in the high jump isn’t expected to match his personal best. But I hear it doesn’t count as it was ‘Taliban assisted’.

29/08/2012 19:33

Wow.

Tinhats at the ready...

Edited 29 August 2012 by stix

[Jimmy]

all the PC muppets will hammer him for it but the type of humour soldiers have, they'll love it

[GLC]

all the PC muppets will hammer him for it but the type of humour soldiers have, they'll love it

Showed my mate who ha just got back from Afghanistan and he laughed

Edited 29 August 2012 by GLC

[ADK]

Its more that its abit sad so many young people have been left disabled for nothing.