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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Lamby

Lamby

Posted
Posted

So a kid and a pedophile are walking through the forest. As they get further and it starts to get darker and more dense the kid says to the pedophile 'This is really scary' then the pedophile goes 'I know, think of me, I have to walk back on my own'.

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Bilo

Bilo

Posted
Posted

Flux Direct are a joke of an insurance company if that helps.

They've asked for my documents SIX times in a year; this includes, bizarrely, three requests for a photo of my speedometer. Don't ask.

I sent the thing, but not without a very, very pissy e-mail. I was annoyed.

Dear Flux Direct,

I cannot even begin to express my frustration with the fact that I am being asked, yet again, for yet more documentation. This saga has dragged on for a length of time that has become frankly ridiculous. I am beginning to wonder if your calendars are six months out of sync, and that this is in fact a highly elaborate April Fools' Day prank.

I am a teacher at a secondary school, and believe me when I say that the process of undergoing a full CRB check that enabled me to be entrusted with the welfare of hundreds of children aged between 11 and 19 every week was much, much less painful than this. In fact, I had a boil lanced on my back as a child that was less troublesome than this.

My mileage has probably had about 500 miles added on to it since the last time you asked me. Not much is it? Well, that's probably because you ask every couple of months. Frankly, I've been working all day and have spent the last couple of hours marking and watching Sky Sports News hoping for three points from the boys. Therefore I'm immensely frustrated with the fact that I'm expected, yet again, to go outside, take a picture of my odometer (I've done it often enough, shudder to think what the neighbours reckon I'm doing), upload it onto my computer and then send it to you.

On the subject of my mileage, you will notice that I have covered less than 2000 miles over the course of the policy, I feel I should be entitled to a refund based on the fact that I've covered less than half the mileage agreed on my policy. It's abundantly clear that the mileage I've covered is a burning issue to yourselves given that you expect a quarterly update, so if you're prepared to charge extra for me exceeding the mileage then perhaps a refund for low mileage would be just as appropriate.

Anyway, please find attached the photograph of my odometer. I've tried to get the lighting right so it will make a pleasing addition to your photo album of my odometer readings.

Incidentally, don't bother to send me a renewal form in January. I've enough toilet roll already thanks.

PS: If you think this is sarcastic, you should see the e-mail I'm sending to Michael Gove.

Kind regards

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted (edited)

That letter reminded me of this writer of letters. I have one of his book and wondered if he ever wrote to Jimmy Saville.

Henry Root, Esq â€@RootQuotes

To M Thatcher: The wets and the have-nots may bleat, but they have no one to blame but themselves. They were stupid enough to vote for you!

Could almost be a quote from a Foxestalker.

Edited by Nightguard
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21st Century Fox

21st Century Fox

Posted
Posted

The record company wasn't too keen on Prince's first draft of Raspberry Beret:

I was working part time at a five and dime my boss was Mr McGee.

He told me several times that he didn't like my kind cos I was a bit to leisurely.

So I suffocated him slowly and sent bits of his body to various people on my 'list'... I quit that job soon after.

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  • 3 weeks later...
cambridgefox

cambridgefox

Posted
Posted (edited)

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter,"this is a very rare set,produced by the celebrated John Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the century."

"Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks" said Paddy.

Edited by cambridgefox
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