The joke thread

[Wycombe Fox]

Scientists predict that be 2025, you will never be more than 2 metres away from an ex-Chelsea manager.

[ozleicester]

My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

[cambridgefox]

I was in an Indian restaurant the other day when this drunk old tart came up to me.

"Anything I can do for you big boy?" She said.

"Yeah,get your tits out" I said.

"Do you like my tits then " she replied.

"No,they're dragging in my curry"

[cambridgefox]

I was playing football manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job.

I knew it was a shit squad with no future so I declined it.

I then put the phone down and got back to football manager.

[cambridgefox]

I was out on the town the other night,when this fat girl said"take me back to yours and do me up the arse"

"I would,but I haven't any lubricant " I said

"You won't need any" she giggled," I'm very loose"

" maybe so" I replied," but my door frames are very narrow"

[Guest MattP]

I've just bought the BBC advent calendar.

Every time I open a door, I have to pretend I haven't seen Jimmy Savile abusing a child.

[goose2010]

What's green and has wheels?........Grass (I lied about the wheels)

[jonthefox]

What's green and has wheels?........Grass (I lied about the wheels)

[goose2010]

Just made me chuckle for some reason

[FoxesAreBlue]

What starts with an "F" and ends in "uck"

Firetruck!

[Trav Le Bleu]

We've just had Movember, now we've got Decembeard.

I'm not looking forward to Fanuhairy.

[Tielemans63]

   

"I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier.

"And I love you Tonnes." I replied.

"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.    

[skinnydipper]

Great news for insomniacs.

Only 2 sleeps before Christmas.

[Danno]

Jimmy Savile was tipped to be next England gaffa in the early 90's but he kept putting Seaman in the u16s followed by few minutes of Waddle

[skinnydipper]

My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and a couple of bikes for Christmas from the internet. I asked him which website he saw them on. He replied ... "Google Earth".

[broughtonblue]

It's been reported that jimmy saville is not really dead, he just makes a few appearances for a few days a year.

Apparently he disguises himself with a long beard and strange 'onesie' and gets kids to sit on his knee so he can give them a special surprise!!!

[Alexikokopops]

It's been reported that jimmy saville is not really dead, he just makes a few appearances for a few days a year.

Apparently he disguises himself with a long beard and strange 'onesie' and gets kids to sit on his knee so he can give them a special surprise!!!

Potential paedophila if ever I saw it...

[BoneDog]

Two Jewish guys walking through Glasgow when they see a bunch of skinheads approaching. First guy says 'Oh crap, this lot look like trouble'. Second guy says 'Oh piss, I think we're about to get mugged'. First guy says 'I think you're right.....Here's that £600 I owe you'.

[Uncle Phil]

What's the most abundant owl in the UK?

The Teat-owl.

[AKCJ]

What's the most abundant owl in the UK?

The Teat-owl.

Hang your head in shame!

[Uncle Phil]

Hang your head in shame!

No need to be an arse-owl about it....

Don't worry, I've got my coat.

[Bilo]

No need to be an arse-owl about it....

Don't worry, I've got my coat.

Get hoot.

[Saxondale]

Following a sexist joke I made the other day, a group of Feminist activists now has my address.

Fortunately, none of them can read a map.

[Saxondale]

In a move aiming to provide an economic boost to the recession-hit agriculture industry, VAT is set to be cut to 12% in parts of Lincolnshire.

The locals will be able to count it on their fingers.

[Lamby]

Husband comes in from work and says to his wife "Look, I can't see you any more" wife replies "I'm over here, behind the sofa!"