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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted

I prefer to think of it as a joke shared. "Stolen" is so unseasonal!

I probably saw it on here and then forgot the source. The credit is all yours.

Have that one the spirit of seasonal cheer, my friend.

Father Christmas only comes once a year,

Bur when he does, he fills your stockings.

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Lamby

Lamby

Posted
Posted

Who dresses in red that nobody believes in?

The Liverpool team.

My new German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex. Last night for example I shoved it up her arse and she yelled "Nine, Nine!" My best score yet

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Bilo

Bilo

Posted
Posted (edited)

A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road.

Suddenly its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes, killing the nuns. The Nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font which is filled with Holy Water.

Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "is any aspect of you impure in some way?"The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man"s penis..." Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the Holy Water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the Holy Water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven. He asks the second Nun the same thing and she replies, "I did once... touch a man"s penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision, dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven. Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated .Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter, sister?" The Nun replies, "Nothing's wrong, I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it."

Edited by Bilo
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Bilo

Bilo

Posted
Posted

I believe in traditional Biblical Marriage:

One man and his sister,

One man and his dead brother's wife,

One man and one woman and her servants,

One man and his rape victim,

One man and many women,

One man and 700 women and 300 concubines,

One man and one woman and her slaves,

One soldier and his virgin prisoners,

Just not one man and one man. That would be immoral.

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MUMMY, MUMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mummy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mummy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

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Vacamion

Vacamion

Posted
Posted

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was none after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent †.

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Ilkeston_Fox

Ilkeston_Fox

Posted
Posted

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you £100 if you let me screw you!" But the girl said no...

Johnny Said "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor; you bend down and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she'd have to consult her boyfriend...so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boy friend says "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even have a chance to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal...

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call...

Finally after 45 minutes, he calls her and asks what's happened?!?

She replied, "The idiot used coins!!"

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jonthefox

jonthefox

Posted
Posted (edited)

Mansfield left 96 empty seats for the victims of Hillsborough, Bradford left 56 for the victims from the fire at Valley Parade. Who are Coventry honouring the victims of the Black Plague!!

Nicked.

Edited by jonthefox
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