The joke thread

[Danno]

Had a dodgy burger from Tesco yesterday, gave me the trotts. More stable now though!

[foz.foz]

Robbed another one from FB

[Northants Fox 3]

I found another one on fb can't get it to come up as a pic,

Edited 16 January 2013 by Northants Fox 3

[foz.foz]

upload it to flicker or photobucket then copy the link. Paste it in the picture icon below the smiley face in the reply box.

[Northants Fox 3]

Ok i got it i think, hope it works

YAY it did

Edited 16 January 2013 by Northants Fox 3

[Danno]

Rumours the horses were molested before being turned into Tesco burgers.

Police are asking anyone who knew Jimmy Saddle to come forward.

[kingfox]

Rumours the horses were molested before being turned into Tesco burgers.

Police are asking anyone who knew Jimmy Saddle to come forward.

You stole that off Bert's twitter feed.

Give him his privacy.

[Tielemans63]

I had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....

I still have a bit between my teeth.    

[Carl the Llama]

Jesus guys do you genuinely not realise how horrendous the tesco burger story is? Stop horsing around.

[ozleicester]

A drover, who just moved to Queensland from Victoria ,

Walks into a bar and orders three glasses of XXXX.

He sits in the back of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them,

He comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the drover,

"You know, a glass goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cattleman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One's in 'Tassie' , the other one's a 'sandgroper'.

When we all left our home in Echuca' ,

We promised that we'd drink this way

To remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers

And one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,

And leaves it there.

The drover becomes a regular in the bar,

And always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round,

The bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,

But I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment,

Then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Salvation Army

And I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Guest]

New dance in Delhi.

guys make a lasso and look like they are riding a horse and driving a bus. Gangbang style.

[Guest MattP]

The first post in this whole thread is an absolutely classic looking back.

[Alexikokopops]

I've had enough of the Tesco burger jokes. It's just flogging a dead horse.

[The Doctor]

It’s official – jokes based on the concept of Schrödinger’s Cat are dead. Or possibly not.

[Rincewind]

It's snow use I can't stop thinking about the weather.

[Mike Oxlong]

Following on from the Tesco horse DNA scandal it is now being reported that Primark has found Cameltoe in a pair of leggings.

[Mike Oxlong]

The wife's got a pair of Union Jack knickers. I call them her Belfast pants as every time I take them down there's a ****ing protest.

[Parafox]

The first post in this whole thread is an absolutely classic looking back.

I think the second is better.

[isaidno]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

Edited 20 January 2013 by isaidno

[foz.foz]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4.. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'

[Danno]

Snows like your missus...great fun for the first 5minutes then its just one irritating **** that prevents you from going out

[The Doctor]

Snows like your missus...great fun for the first 5minutes then its just one irritating **** that prevents you from going out

Poor sex joke coming up:

If you've found a missus that won't let you go out, then I'd be pretty ****ing chuffed if I were you.

[foz.foz]

Just in on email...

A woman has been taken to hospital after eating horse meat burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.

I expect this only relates to those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d'oeuvres.

I get all my horse meat from an independent dodgy butcher.

Are you in favour of Horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?

So horse meat has been found in Tesco Products but a spokesman says It's b*ll**ocks

I had a tesco burger and now I'm feeling a little horse

Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony

Scientist: "Sir, we've discovered horse meat in your burgers." Tesco boss: "Why the long face?"

There was an old woman who swallowed a horse, she'd been to Tesco, of course.

Good thing about these horse puns is it's stopped all the sick Jimmy Saddle jokes

And one really bad one...

I really hope they launch a steward's inquiry into the Tesco horse meat scandal. We must find out hoof to blame.

I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF

Edited 22 January 2013 by foz.foz

[Carl the Llama]

Ballboy refuses to return football and puts himself in a hazardous situation. After seeing him retain the ball for more than 5 seconds, Liverpool are reportedly looking into making a £35m bid. In other news, Chelsea back a new campaign to kick time wasting out of football.

[Guest MattP]

Hazard beats Ball Boys.

Savile beats Boys Balls.