The joke thread

[Bilo]

If only Home Alone had been made in 1944 Anne Frank may have had some ideas to get rid of the Gestapo.

[The Doctor]

The scene is a bar in Berlin in January 1933, filled with Nazis. Goering is skulling stiens of beer with the brownshirts, Goebbels is sipping cocktails with a couple of groupies and Hitler is seated with a wild-eyed Hess discussing pupil diagnostics.

An American journalist enters, sees the full crew and realizes he's sitting on the scoop of the century. He asks the barman: "Which one shall I ask for the absolute bottom line on the Nazi plans?" "Goebbels, of course" answers the barman, "He knows everything." The journalist approaches and says "I want the bottom line on what this Nazi thing is." Goebbels flashes him a smile and says "We intend to kill six million Jews and one postman." The journalist's mind races. "But why do you want to kill one postman?" Goebbels shouts over to Hitler: "See Adolf, I told you no-one gives a fuck about the Jews!"

[Bilo]

Apparently the Germans have released a new comedy show set in a hotel near Auschwitz.

It's called Faulty Showers.

[Webbo]

Can we ease up on the sick jokes please?I don't want to be all PC but some people could be offended.

[anotherharboroughfox]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

[Guest MattP]

Can we ease up on the sick jokes please?I don't want to be all PC but some people could be offended.

Can we just stick an 'if easily offended, fcuk off' on the title?

[Bilo]

My son's just had a tattoo of a spade, a heart and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

Edited 30 January 2013 by Bilo

[Big Dave]

Looks like Tesco are in trouble again..............this time human DNA has been found in Welsh Lamb!

[pSinatra]

I was in Sainsburys the other day & there was a girl in front of me at the checkout. She had in her basket, one apple, one pint of milk, one tin of soup & one ready meal.

I leaned forward & said to her "you're single aren't you?"

She said "yes, how did you know?"

I said "because you're ugly as fvck!!"

[The Doctor]

I walked into the spare room I use as a 'study' and the wife was sitting at my PC.

"Hi, Honey," she said, "I was just looking in your albums for some old holiday photos to put on Facebook."

"Really?" I said, trying to mask my nervousness.

"Yes," she said, "but the problem is, I can't remember when we went to Pov, Shemale or Bukkake."

[foz.foz]

This is why I asked earlier. Your limit will be diffeernt to mine which will be different to someone elses... was going to suggest another sick joke thread but then where do you draw the line??

[Webbo]

This is why I asked earlier. Your limit will be diffeernt to mine which will be different to someone elses... was going to suggest another sick joke thread but then where do you draw the line??

IIrc we had a sick joke thread a few years ago and it just descended into racist jokes. Just use a bit of common sense, if you think it might offend then please don't post it.

[Carl the Llama]

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

You have to take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

[Bilo]

I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.

As she got in I asked, "How much for a blow job?"

She said, "Thirty quid."

I said, "Can you do twenty?"

"Yeah, okay" she replied.

I said, "Great, here's £600 then."

[Saxondale]

According to the curator of the Chinese zoo where a panda cub was recently born, trying to get pandas to mate is a breeding nightmare.

[The Doctor]

I've recently started working in the Dignitas clinic.

It's ok, but every morning it's cheerios for breakfast.

[Rincewind]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

Finding half a worm

[Vacamion]

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

[Bilo]

When I was a child, my dad used to try to force feed me.

After a while my Mum said, 'Just use a fvcking spoon Ray, you're not a Jedi.'

[Vacamion]

A bloke is walking down the street when he passes a new bakers shop.

The sign outside says "Every cake £1!" so he goes inside and is quite taken by the quality and the range, but on looking at the top shelf he sees a cake in the middle of the row marked up at £3.

"Here!" he says ".. it says on the sign outside that every cake is £1!"

"What of it?" says the baker.

"Well, that cake in the middle of the top shelf is £3!" says the bloke.

"I know.." says the baker ".. but that's Madeira cake."

Edited 30 January 2013 by Vacamion

[The Doctor]

My daughter admitted that she is having lesbian sex with her best friend.

As a reward for her honesty, I bought her a video camera.

[foxfanazer]

According to the curator of the Chinese zoo where a panda cub was recently born, trying to get pandas to mate is a breeding nightmare.

don't know why but that made me chuckle

[Trav Le Bleu]

I've got a friend who's a dyslexic 70s dance music fan and he can't understand why the Verydisco channel never shows any Ottawan or Bee Gees, but constantly has Mythbusters, Deadliest Catch and Sons of Guns on.

Edited 1 February 2013 by Trav Le Bleu

[anotherharboroughfox]

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered sex offender.

[Guest]

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered sex offender.

Yeah I heard 7, 8, 9.