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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Orkneyfox

Orkneyfox

Posted
Posted

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the man sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

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ozleicester

ozleicester

Posted
Posted

Might have been posted before.. but...

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some guests' genuine complaints:

1. "It should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like

custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things

during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served

curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming

costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as

yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband

spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans only three

hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom

apartment and ours was significantly smaller.."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trained

hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people in Spain. The receptionist speaks Spanish.

The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside of our hotel with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we

travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said mosquitos could bite."

23. "My fiancée and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded

room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This

would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

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Captain...

Captain...

Posted
Posted (edited)

I often unpick the longitudinal stings on a tennis racket and hey presto egg slicer!

I can now picture you serving a boiled egg with this tennis racket and perfectly sliced egg dropping to the floor, and by you I mean your avatar which adds a certain element of the surreal to what was already an odd thought.

Edited by Captain Shrapnel
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ozleicester

ozleicester

Posted
Posted

One for the Grammar folk...

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition , because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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foz.foz

foz.foz

Posted
Posted

"G'day mate, Fosters helpline. What's the problem dude?"

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her vagina has completely closed up"

"Bummer dude"

"I will. Thanks mate, bye"

Pinched it... hope ya don't mind

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Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted

Having just had his house robbed for a third time, a man decides to buy a guard dog, so visits his local petshop.

"I'm sorry, explains the petshop owner, we don't have any dogs, but we do have this talking parrot. If someone broke in he could tell you who it was and identify him."

Having no better option the man buys the parrot and takes him home. A week later, someone breaks in and whilst the burglar is rummaging through the valuables the parrot hops off its perch, lifts the reciever off the phone and dials 999.

"999 - which service do you require?" comes the answer. The parrot looks over its shoulder at the criminal, sees what he's doing, what he's wearing and says, "Pretty Polly!"

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One Arm Babba

One Arm Babba

Posted
Posted

Having just had his house robbed for a third time, a man decides to buy a guard dog, so visits his local petshop.

"I'm sorry, explains the petshop owner, we don't have any dogs, but we do have this talking parrot. If someone broke in he could tell you who it was and identify him."

Having no better option the man buys the parrot and takes him home. A week later, someone breaks in and whilst the burglar is rummaging through the valuables the parrot hops off its perch, lifts the reciever off the phone and dials 999.

"999 - which service do you require?" comes the answer. The parrot looks over its shoulder at the criminal, sees what he's doing, what he's wearing and says, "Pretty Polly!"

Eh? Is that one of these new age jokes, that's not a joke?

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