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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Lamby

Lamby

Posted
Posted

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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foz.foz

foz.foz

Posted
Posted (edited)

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9" tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

"So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."

"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the schools first team in the County Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now?" she purred.

"OK" I replied.

Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we needed to win and we were drawing one all with about a minute left on the clock. The Opposition had the ball in our half of the field, when I tackled their midfielder. I ran up the pitch, side-stepping past all of their players, skipping past a couple of two footed challenges bursting through on goal, with only the keeper to beat. He came off his line and ran straight at me, diving for the ball. I sold him a dummy six yards out, the goal was wide open and I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and......... "

" Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!

She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a c*nt?"

"I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the ball."

Edited by foz.foz
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yorkie1999

yorkie1999

Posted
Posted

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9" tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

"So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."

"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now?" she purred.

"OK" I replied.

Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we needed to win and we were drawing one all with about a minute left on the clock. The Opposition had the ball in our half of the field, when I tackled their midfielder. I ran up the pitch, side-stepping past all of their players, skipping past a couple of two footed challenges bursting through on goal, with only the keeper to beat. He came off his line and ran straight at me, diving for the ball. I sold him a dummy six yards out, the goal was wide open and I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and......... "

" Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!

She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a c*nt?"

"I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the ball."

And you also realised that you were playing football in a rugby match!!

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  • 3 weeks later...
Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted

The scientific community is in shock. Several senior particle physicists were seriously injured at the Large Hadron Collider under the Swiss Alps when they were trampled by a large hairy animal. They believe that they have discovered the Higgs Bison.

I'll get my coat.

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Lamby

Lamby

Posted
Posted

I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and said, "Can you have my children? I'll be no longer than a few minutes, I promise."

"Sure," she replied,

I said, "Great, get your knickers off then."

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted

My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman.

"I want you to go!" she screamed.

I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?"

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and said, "God, it was brilliant - definitely the most amazing experience of my entire life."

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