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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Vacamion

Vacamion

Posted
Posted

Time for some quickfire ones, lifted from another forum...

 

 


 

 

Man walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
Barmaid gives him one.

 

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees.

 

What do you call a train that doesn't stop at any stations?

Thomas the c**t...

 

How do you spot a vegan at a party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

 

What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?
Gracias.

 

My wife is a porn star.

She's going to be mad as f**k if she ever finds out.

 

What's E.T. short for?

He's only got little legs.

 

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs knocking on your front door.

 

Just back from a funeral for my mate who was hit on the head by a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

 

What is the difference between light and hard ?
You can sleep with a light on.

 

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

Ba-doom, tsshhh

 

What do you call a Chinese prostitute with no legs?
Dragon lips

 

What's brown and sticky ?
A stick

 

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt.

 

I thought I'd lost my boomerang.
And then it hit me.

 

What kind of cheese would you use to disguise a horse?

Mascarpone.

 

9 cows in a field, which one is from the middle east?

Cow-8.

 

What's the difference between Colin McRae and Jimmy Saville?

Only two kids went down on Colin McRae's chopper.

 

What do you call a bear without a paw?

Rupert the b*****d

 

Did you hear about the two TV aerials getting married?

The wedding was a disaster but the reception was fantastic.

 

Neighbour says he's opening a clockwork toy shop.

Don't know whether to believe him as he's a wind-up merchant.

 

I believe the cradle of life is in Zagreb.

I'm a Croatianist.

 

I can see exactly 7 years into the future.

I've got 2020 vision.

 

What weighs 10 stones and bumps into radiators?

Harvey Price.

 

What's red and squeedgy and lies on a chippy floor?
Abortion of chips.

 

What's red and squeedgy and sits on your mantelpiece?
A miscarriage clock.

 

Man walks into a butchers and says "I bet you a tenner you can't reach those cuts of beef up on that top shelf there".

"Can't," says the butcher, "the steaks are too high."

 

What’s the difference between a frog and a mountain goat?

One mucks about in fountains!

 

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted (edited)

I downloaded a Kindle book 101 Best Jokes. Some may not be but here is the first of a daily selection.

 

A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks,

'What will it be stranger?'

Anything but a Canadian Club' replies the seal.'

 

************

 

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque.

He had no idea how jokes work.

 

*****************

 

A baseball walks into a bar.and the bartender through it out.

 

*********************

 

A bear walks into a bar and says 'Bartender, I'd like a gin.....................................................and tonic.'

The bartender says. Sure, but what's with the big pause?'

 

************************

 

A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer/

The bartender says. ' You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More tomorrow.

Edited by Rincewind
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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

I downloaded a Kindle book 101 Best Jokes. Some may not be but here is the first of a daily selection.

 

A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks,

'What will it be stranger?'

Anything but a Canadian Club' replies the seal.'

 

************

 

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque.

He had no idea how jokes work.

 

*****************

 

A baseball walks into a bar.and the bartender through it out.

 

*********************

 

A bear walks into a bar and says 'Bartender, I'd like a gin.....................................................and tonic.'

The bartender says. Sure, but what's with the big pause?'

 

************************

 

A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer/

The bartender says. ' You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm.'

 

 

 

More tomorrow.

Only another 96 to go :(

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted (edited)

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests.

He says to the first ' I'm Jesus Christ.' 'No you're not came the reply.

The drunk turns to the second priest. 'I'm Jesus Christ.' No you're not the priest says.

'OK says the drunk I'll prove it'

He walks back into the pub and the bartender says 'Jesus Christ not you again.'

 

******************************************************

 

A drunk staggers out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop

and goes up and punches her in the face then says 'Not so tough now hey Batman.?

 

****************************************************

 

A drunk walks into a bar. 'Ouch' he says.

 

***********************************************

 

A fish walks into a bar.

'What'll it be?' asks the bartender

'Water' gasps the fish.

 

*****************************************

 

A french fry walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says 'sorry we don't serve food in here.'

 

******************************************

 

 

Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks 'Would you like a beer?

Descartes replies 'I think not.' and poof he vanishes.

Edited by Rincewind
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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

E Flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry we don't server minors here.'

 

**************************************************************************************************

 

Jesus Christ walks into a bay and says, 'I'll just have a glass of water.'

 

*************************************************************************************

 

Julius Caesar walks into a bar. 'I'll have a martinus.' he says.

The bartender looks puzzled and says, 'Don't you mean a martini?

'Look' says Caesar, 'If I wanted a double I'd have asked for it.'

 

***************************************************************************

 

The past, ther present and the future walk into a bar. Then things got tense.

 

**********************************************************************************

 

Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, 'OK, I'll serve you a beer. Just don't get any ideas.'

 

**************************************************************

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

There's some miserable pricks on here! Somebody has posted Jokes in Joke thread? That is unacceptable, i must moan aboat if at once!

 

Tossers!

 

and then there are people who moan and insult the moaners etc....

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RobHawk

RobHawk

Posted
Posted

and then there are people who moan and insult the moaners etc....

 

Maybe if you read posts and moved on rather than thinking, i'll respond to that in a derogatory manner when there's really no need to, we wouldn't have to call you up for being such miserable cnuts.

 

I know you weren't directly responsible in this case, but generally you're one of the worst people on here! I don't post much on the forum, but i read it alot, Can't you just learn to click on another topic rather than clicking reply and spouting constant derogatory drivel?

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ADK

ADK

Posted
Posted

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

 

....

 

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

Maybe if you read posts and moved on rather than thinking, i'll respond to that in a derogatory manner when there's really no need to, we wouldn't have to call you up for being such miserable cnuts.

 

I know you weren't directly responsible in this case, but generally you're one of the worst people on here! I don't post much on the forum, but i read it alot, Can't you just learn to click on another topic rather than clicking reply and spouting constant derogatory drivel?

 

I'm having problems even understanding what you wrote there. To much I and we interference.

 

I'm sorry that I have to think after reading a post though. I'll try it your way in the future :)

 

The point I made is that you are the one insulting and being derogatory. I wasn't and the poster that you aimed it at wasn't either. He was merely "joking" in the Joke thread about how unfunny some of the jokes were.

 

by the way I'm not a ****! you probably should have called me that. People get banned for much less :thumbup: . Anyway to keep on topic:

 

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and asks the giraffe what it wants. The giraffe doesn't reply.

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Two Derby fans are walking their dogs. One labrador the other a poodle. Passing a pub the first lets go for a bee. The second one says we cant take dogs in here

Watc the first bloke says. He goes in and the barman says no dogs

But its my blind dog

OK says the barman and pulls apint

The second one goes and gets the same response

But he's my seeing dog

'Your blind dog is a poodle

'Oh no the b derby fan says I've been conned.

 

**************************************

 

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

 

*****************************************

 

Two jump leads walk into a bar. The  landlord says you guys better not start anything here.

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted

Two Derby fans are walking their dogs. One labrador the other a poodle. Passing a pub the first lets go for a bee. The second one says we cant take dogs in here

Watc the first bloke says. He goes in and the barman says no dogs

But its my blind dog

OK says the barman and pulls apint

The second one goes and gets the same response

But he's my seeing dog

'Your blind dog is a poodle

'Oh no the b derby fan says I've been conned.

 

**************************************

 

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

 

*****************************************

 

Two jump leads walk into a bar. The  landlord says you guys better not start anything here.

 

Is this book thing just "bar jokes"?. Get a refund Ken

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

Not really a joke, but a footnote from the book I'm reading at the moment:

 

"Booby researchers tested this by kidnapping the females when the males weren't looking and colouring their feet grey using crayons".

:giggle: Booby.

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