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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Posted
Posted

Black Tarmac and Red Tarmac decide to go for a beer down the local. They have just sat down when Green Tarmac comes bursting through the door, demands a large scotch and then head-butts the barman in the face for no reason. Red says to Black, you better watch him, he's a fvcking cycle-path.

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foz.foz

foz.foz

Posted
Posted

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

---

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

---

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.

"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

---

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

---

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

---

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.

After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

---

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

---

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

---

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems...

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes... Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big

blue hair."
 

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foz.foz

foz.foz

Posted
Posted

What do you call a Muslim stripper?      Youseen Mamuff.

What do you call a one- legged Korean?      Tai Wan Shoo.

What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera?      Phil Ming.

What do you call a Chinese peado ?      Pok Um Yung.

What do u call an Indian show off?      Bindair Dundat!

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foz.foz

foz.foz

Posted
Posted

1. Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and
accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis
enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy

3. My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my
obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her
face

4. I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals
were shouting paedo and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It
completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

5. My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little
splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the
bottom of his cage.

6. I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup
kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us
have got homes to go to!'

7. Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your
balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

8. Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I
heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat git, I was
talking to the cat!'

9. Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and
brown with a small white patch,
so I've named him Birmingham.

10. I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head
by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

11. Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm
a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been
living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
 

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kristianity77

kristianity77

Posted
Posted

When I was a teenager, I'd lock myself in my bedroom for hours every night.

One night, my dad kicked the door down to find out what I was doing. He walked in to discover me sitting on my hand.

"Ah, that old trick," he laughed. I gave an awkward smile back.

"I have to say, son," he continued, "I'm relieved to be honest. I thought you might've been doing something weird. I'll leave you to it."

When he closed the door behind him, I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on fisting myself.

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Finnaldo

Finnaldo

Posted
Posted

When I was a teenager, I'd lock myself in my bedroom for hours every night.

One night, my dad kicked the door down to find out what I was doing. He walked in to discover me sitting on my hand.

"Ah, that old trick," he laughed. I gave an awkward smile back.

"I have to say, son," he continued, "I'm relieved to be honest. I thought you might've been doing something weird. I'll leave you to it."

When he closed the door behind him, I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on fisting myself.

Good god lol

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MooseBreath

MooseBreath

Posted
Posted

I was in the taking a piss in the toilets at primary school when one kid noticed my penis was circumcised.

Later when I was with a group of kids the other kid said that my pee pee was different.

All the other kids wanted to see so I showed them. They wanted to touch it so I thought why not.

They kept rubbing their hands over the head and I have to admit it felt good. My pee pee got bigger. One of the little girls screamed. A female teacher came over. I was in serious trouble. The kids parents were all informed.

And that was the end of my teaching career.

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jonthefox

jonthefox

Posted
Posted

I was in the taking a piss in the toilets at primary school when one kid noticed my penis was circumcised.

Later when I was with a group of kids the other kid said that my pee pee was different.

All the other kids wanted to see so I showed them. They wanted to touch it so I thought why not.

They kept rubbing their hands over the head and I have to admit it felt good. My pee pee got bigger. One of the little girls screamed. A female teacher came over. I was in serious trouble. The kids parents were all informed.

And that was the end of my teaching career.

:blink:

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glenny_fox

glenny_fox

Posted
Posted

I was in the taking a piss in the toilets at primary school when one kid noticed my penis was circumcised.

Later when I was with a group of kids the other kid said that my pee pee was different.

All the other kids wanted to see so I showed them. They wanted to touch it so I thought why not.

They kept rubbing their hands over the head and I have to admit it felt good. My pee pee got bigger. One of the little girls screamed. A female teacher came over. I was in serious trouble. The kids parents were all informed.

And that was the end of my teaching career.

 

You're not normal, are you.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Posted
Posted (edited)
Boris Becker: Murray showed his class time and again during that victory.

 

Tim Henman: Got to give him credit for achieving an incredible victory.

 

John Inverdale: Ugly fvcker, isn't he?

Edited by separator
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hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted (edited)

Katie Hopkins found bleeding profusely on street

Reports indicate that she wasn’t attacked by a large mob of Tylers and Chantelles as suspected, but it was just that time of the month for the UK’s largest cvnt.

katie-hopkins.jpg

Edited by hairy
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