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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

I heard a sad story the other day which summerises the times we live in.

 

A dear old lady, let's call her Doris, needed some cat food and as she lived in a village with infrequent buses which had been cut back to save money she decided to go to the nearer but more expensive village shop. After struggling the five minute walk with her sticks she entered the shop and picked two tin of cat food up. After placing them on the counter the shopkeeper shook his head.

 

'Sorry love, I can't sell you them without proof that you have a cat.'

'Whyever not? Doris asked.

'Well' said the shopkeeper' Times are so hard for some families that they have started to eat cat food.'

Oh dear' mutter Doris and toddles back home and returns an hour later with her black cat Tiddles.

The next day Doris returns to the shop and picks up two tins of dog food. Again the shopkeeper says no for the same reason. And again Doris goes home to fetch her dog Fido as proof of ownership.

 

The next day Doris goes into the shop carrying a cardboard box with a hole in it and says to the shopkeeper 'Put your hand in the hole'

Reluctantly and nervously he does so and immediately pulls it out. 'Shitwhat have you done in there.?

 

That's right'An old lady is in desperate need of toilet paper and I thought you'd need proof how desperate I was.'

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Julian Joachim Jr Shabadoo

Julian Joachim Jr Shabadoo

Posted
Posted

I heard a sad story the other day which summerises the times we live in.

 

A dear old lady, let's call her Doris, needed some cat food and as she lived in a village with infrequent buses which had been cut back to save money she decided to go to the nearer but more expensive village shop. After struggling the five minute walk with her sticks she entered the shop and picked two tin of cat food up. After placing them on the counter the shopkeeper shook his head.

 

'Sorry love, I can't sell you them without proof that you have a cat.'

'Whyever not? Doris asked.

'Well' said the shopkeeper' Times are so hard for some families that they have started to eat cat food.'

Oh dear' mutter Doris and toddles back home and returns an hour later with her black cat Tiddles.

The next day Doris returns to the shop and picks up two tins of dog food. Again the shopkeeper says no for the same reason. And again Doris goes home to fetch her dog Fido as proof of ownership.

 

The next day Doris goes into the shop carrying a cardboard box with a hole in it and says to the shopkeeper 'Put your hand in the hole'

Reluctantly and nervously he does so and immediately pulls it out. 'Shitwhat have you done in there.?

 

That's right'An old lady is in desperate need of toilet paper and I thought you'd need proof how desperate I was.'

Do you have the original article? I was expecting a new thread for this story

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MikeyT

MikeyT

Posted
Posted (edited)

I grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the Gateau.

 

 

 

Sorry. lol

Edited by MikeyT
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separator

separator

Posted
Posted
I was on the phone to nPower about my bill when I said to the wife "Pop into the garage with a pen and paper love and write down what it says on the meter" 

 

She came back a minute later and handed me a piece of paper that said "Danger High Voltage"

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Smudge

Smudge

Posted
Posted

This guy has a severe flatulence problem and with every move he makes, he farts. He eventually decides to go to the doctors.

 

The Doc says,  "What's wrong with you?"

 

"Well every time I move I fart."

 

"Show me" Says the Doc.

 

He stands up walks around the room, frt frt frt, comes back to the chair frt frt frt and sits down - frrrrrrrrt

 

"Wow, that's the weirdest thing I've ever heard of. Take your trousers off and bend over that table" he orders

 

The bloke does as he's told, knocking out a tune vaguely similar an etude in d flat on the way.

 

As he bends over the table, he looks over his shoulder only to see the doctor with a long pole with a brass hook on the end of it.

 

Looking very alarmed, he asks the Doc "What the **** are you gonna do with that?

 

To which the Doc replies

 

"Open some ****ing windows, the smell in here is gagging"

 

 

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted

One day a man went to see his doctor complaining about severe migraine headaches.

After a long examination the doctor told the man that somehow his balls were pressing very tightly against the base of his spine and this was causing the man to have migraine headaches. The doctor concluded the balls would have to come off.

The man thought this was rather drastic, so he went to another doctor for a second opinion.

"Your balls are pressing up against your spine causing the headaches," said the doctor, "The balls will have to be amputated." Finally the man decided to have the operation. He went to the first doctor and had it done.

Two years passed and the man was walking down the street when he came across a tailor's shop. Wearing the same thing he had been for years, the man decided to go in and get some new threads. The tailor took one look at the man as he walked in and said,"I'll bet your pants size is 36x32."

"That's amazing,"said the man,"how on earth did you know?" "I get paid to know these things," replied the tailor.

After he was fitted in pants the tailor looked at the man and told him exactly what his shirt size was without measuring him once. "That is just too cool! How did you know?" asked the man. "I get paid to know this kind of stuff."

Pretty soon the tailor had the man decked out in a full 3 piece suit with a rather smart had to go with it all. Not once did the tailor measure the man for his clothes. "I get paid to know these things,"is what he would say.

After all that the man decided he wanted some new underwear to make him comfortable in his new suit. "I'll bet you wear 36 medium," the tailor said, eyeballing the man. "HA! You're wrong!" said the man, "I wear 34 medium!" "That's ridiculous," replied the tailor,"if you wore size 34 medium underwear, you'd press your balls way too tight against your spine causing severe migraine headaches."

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Mot really jokes but funny. Bought a book of graveyard humour by someone called Richard De'ath (I kid you not) In yhe introduction by Spike Milligan with the last line chamged for City fans to use as a chant.

 

Here lies the body

of Mabel Charlotte

Born a virgin

Died a harlot

She was a virgin

Till her 21st year

A remarkable thing

For Derbyshire.

 

On a gravwstone from 1800.

 

And On one at Melton Mowbray Parish Church

 

Tp all my friends I bid adeu

A more sudden death you never knew

As I was leading the mare to drink

She kicked and killed me

Quicker'n a wink'

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