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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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marbelladave

marbelladave

Posted
Posted

A man finds himself at a party and chatting to a woman with lovely big breasts. They are getting on really well, very flirty and all, so he asks if she would open her blouse and let him nibble her boobs.

 

Certainly not she says, I'll give you a fiver he says, no way she replies.

 

So he offers £50, then £500 and finally £5000 if he can have a nibble and a little bite of her breasts, and for £5000 she finally agrees.

 

So she opens her blouse and he starts kissing and fondling her boobs, this goes on for a while but the woman is getting quite anxious, come on she says, give then a bite.

 

 

The man comes up for air and says, no, I think I'll skip the biting, too expensive.......!

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Captain...

Captain...

Posted
Posted

A man finds himself at a party and chatting to a woman with lovely big breasts. They are getting on really well, very flirty and all, so he asks if she would open her blouse and let him nibble her boobs.

 

Certainly not she says, I'll give you a fiver he says, no way she replies.

 

So he offers £50, then £500 and finally £5000 if he can have a nibble and a little bite of her breasts, and for £5000 she finally agrees.

 

So she opens her blouse and he starts kissing and fondling her boobs, this goes on for a while but the woman is getting quite anxious, come on she says, give then a bite.

 

 

The man comes up for air and says, no, I think I'll skip the biting, too expensive "Do you think I'm made of money?" and walks off.

 

 

changed the punchline to how I first heard the joke, it works better in my opinion. Reminds me of this one:

 

A smoking hot women is at this party on her own, obviously getting lots of attention from the men. One man is paying her lots of attention flirting, showing off, eventually he goes for it and tells her how attractive she is and how he really wants to sleep with her. She says in a flirtatious manner, that she doesn't just sleep with strangers. So, thinking that this will be his only shot he says, "what about for £1,000,000?". She stops looks offended, then thinks about it, he looks a wealthy sort clean and not unnattractive. "OK she says, I'll sleep with you for £1,000,000, but I want the cash up front." He smiles playfully and says "how about for £100?". She looks at him disgusted, "£100! What kind of a person do you think I am?"

 

He replies "I think we have already established what kind of person you are, now we are just haggling over price."

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Orkneyfox

Orkneyfox

Posted
Posted

changed the punchline to how I first heard the joke, it works better in my opinion. Reminds me of this one:

 

A smoking hot women is at this party on her own, obviously getting lots of attention from the men. One man is paying her lots of attention flirting, showing off, eventually he goes for it and tells her how attractive she is and how he really wants to sleep with her. She says in a flirtatious manner, that she doesn't just sleep with strangers. So, thinking that this will be his only shot he says, "what about for £1,000,000?". She stops looks offended, then thinks about it, he looks a wealthy sort clean and not unnattractive. "OK she says, I'll sleep with you for £1,000,000, but I want the cash up front." He smiles playfully and says "how about for £100?". She looks at him disgusted, "£100! What kind of a person do you think I am?"

 

He replies "I think we have already established what kind of person you are, now we are just haggling over price."

That joke has been attributed to Winston Churchill. George Bernard Shaw and Mark Twain!

“Churchill: "Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?" Socialite: "My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course... "

Churchill: "Would you sleep with me for five pounds?"

Socialite: "Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!" Churchill: "Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the priceâ€

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted
A man received the following text from his neighbour: 

 

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. 

 

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. 

 

A few moments later, a second text came in: 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Damn autocorrect! I meant "wifi", not "wife" 

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sphericalfox

sphericalfox

Posted
Posted

 

A man received the following text from his neighbour: 
 
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. 
 
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. 
 
A few moments later, a second text came in: 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Damn autocorrect! I meant "wifi", not "wife" 

 

 

 

I remember my father-in-law (english isn't his first language), asking me once whilst I was over in France if I wanted a wifey. Puzzled I just shook my head. He insisted to ask the same thing over and over again, then pointing at my laptop. I was kinda getting worried as I met his daughter on the internet!

 

Apparently he was asking me if I wanted to use his wifi. Oh how we laughed.

 

EverybodyLaughs_5749.jpg

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Rocket-Ron

Rocket-Ron

Posted
Posted

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have  a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "
  
The  barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a  ham and cheese toastie.



The  rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then  leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and  repeats the order.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit  and the extra drinkers in the pub,  (because  word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie.  The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
 
The next  night, the pub is packed.
And the Rabbit orders the same: 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese  Toastie,  please  barman.' 

The crowd is hushed as the barman  gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into  applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night  there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have  been laid on for the crowds of patrons  attending.

The  barman is making more money in one week than he did all last  year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and  a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please  barman',

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate,  but we are right out  of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...' 

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has  quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears  his throat  nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion  Toastie.'
e  rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will  like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly  silent..

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you  think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know  you'll love  it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer  and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with  glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. 
  then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO  RETURN!!!!!! 

-----
One year later, in the now  impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4  drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When  he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white  form, floating  above the bar.. 
he  barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered, 

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent  your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you.  You made me famous with your order of a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.  Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The  rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'

The barman said, 'I  remember, on your last night we didn't have any  Ham  and  Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one  instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I  would love it'.

The barman said, 'You never came back,  what happened?'

'I DIED', said  the rabbit. 
'NO!'  said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the  rabbit said...


'Mixin-me-toasties.'

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Captain...

Captain...

Posted
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Posted

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have  a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "

-snip-

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

 

I do love a long convoluted build up to a really shit punch line, that makes it not really worth the effort, but somehow even more so, so in keeping with that style:

 

There was this guy who went abroad to buy a dog. It was a rare breed and he had to go through a lot to get it. Even though it was small, it was a breed known for being protective and watchful.

So he goes, buys the dog from the breeder, and gets on a ship to come back to the States. There is a really bad storm and the ship is thrown off course. They end up in some tropical waters eventually, but the damage to the ship was too much and it sinks.

As the ship was sinking, he grabs the dog and a few pieces of wood, but he is pretty bruised and as the ship goes under he gets knocked on the head and passes out, holding a piece of debris and the dog but unconscious.

He eventually wakes up and looks around and realizes he is in sight of land. The dog is still with him and he starts to lamely paddle. They eventually wash up on the shore and lay there for a minute before they start exploring.

Days go by, then months. They set up camp and live their life, this guy and his dog. Every day the guy goes a little farther inland to try to see if there are any people around, but he never sees anyone - just birds and small animals.

So they eat what they can pick, catch or kill, living off the land and it isn't to bad. Guy and Dog.

One day, as they were making their way inland, all of the sudden the trees open up and they come on a clearing. This is the farthest in they had ever come, and he was surprised to find a small flock of sheep grazing in the tropical sun. He thinks that there MUST be folks around if he is seeing sheep, but he looks and looks and never finds another human being.

So he gives up on finding anyone around, the sun is starting to set, and he wants to go back to camp before nightfall, but his dog has run off. He then looks at the flock of sheep and has an idea.

Now, he isn't the kind of guy who gets into animals, but he is LONELY. The feel of a woman a memory months gone and he suddenly feels urgently desperate. So he finds a female sheep, drops his trousers, and is about to do the deed when all of the sudden the dog comes tearing through the underbrush like crazy BARKING BARKING BARKING. Just nuts this dog is. So he gives up, pulls his pants back up, and takes the dog back to camp.

He tries this a couple more times and each time the dog is crazier than the last - barking and circling around him while he is standing there with his pants around his ankles - so he begins to give up on the idea.

He wakes up really early one morning and looks over - the dog is still asleep. He realizes if he ever had a chance, this is probably it. So he very quietly gets up and sneaks off to the clearing.

He finds his sheep, drops his trousers and BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK

So he sighs and gives up. They go on as they did before, each time going more inland, but he doesn't try the sheep business again. He never finds another person and resigns himself to his loneliness - at least he has the dog for company.

One day, a few months later, he and the dog were walking down the beach to fish a bit when he sees something off in the distance. DEBRIS! Debris means people! So he picks up his pace and when he gets to the pile he can't believe his eyes! In front of him is an unconscious, beautiful, naked woman covered in seaweed and next to the log she floated on. He is dumbstruck.

He pulls her up and revives her. He brushes the long hair out of her face and looks into her eyes as she comes back to life. She is weak, but appreciative - She reaches up and returns his look, putting her hand on his cheek, and says: "You have saved me...cough cough... you saved my life! I don't know how I can repay you.... I would do anything for you...(she holds his gaze)...Anything..."

The guy looks into her eyes and says...

"Well, if you wouldn't mind holding my dog for about 15 minutes I would be right grateful..."

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kingcarr21

kingcarr21

Posted
Posted

I do love a long convoluted build up to a really shit punch line, that makes it not really worth the effort, but somehow even more so, so in keeping with that style:

 

There was this guy who went abroad to buy a dog. It was a rare breed and he had to go through a lot to get it. Even though it was small, it was a breed known for being protective and watchful.

So he goes, buys the dog from the breeder, and gets on a ship to come back to the States. There is a really bad storm and the ship is thrown off course. They end up in some tropical waters eventually, but the damage to the ship was too much and it sinks.

As the ship was sinking, he grabs the dog and a few pieces of wood, but he is pretty bruised and as the ship goes under he gets knocked on the head and passes out, holding a piece of debris and the dog but unconscious.

He eventually wakes up and looks around and realizes he is in sight of land. The dog is still with him and he starts to lamely paddle. They eventually wash up on the shore and lay there for a minute before they start exploring.

Days go by, then months. They set up camp and live their life, this guy and his dog. Every day the guy goes a little farther inland to try to see if there are any people around, but he never sees anyone - just birds and small animals.

So they eat what they can pick, catch or kill, living off the land and it isn't to bad. Guy and Dog.

One day, as they were making their way inland, all of the sudden the trees open up and they come on a clearing. This is the farthest in they had ever come, and he was surprised to find a small flock of sheep grazing in the tropical sun. He thinks that there MUST be folks around if he is seeing sheep, but he looks and looks and never finds another human being.

So he gives up on finding anyone around, the sun is starting to set, and he wants to go back to camp before nightfall, but his dog has run off. He then looks at the flock of sheep and has an idea.

Now, he isn't the kind of guy who gets into animals, but he is LONELY. The feel of a woman a memory months gone and he suddenly feels urgently desperate. So he finds a female sheep, drops his trousers, and is about to do the deed when all of the sudden the dog comes tearing through the underbrush like crazy BARKING BARKING BARKING. Just nuts this dog is. So he gives up, pulls his pants back up, and takes the dog back to camp.

He tries this a couple more times and each time the dog is crazier than the last - barking and circling around him while he is standing there with his pants around his ankles - so he begins to give up on the idea.

He wakes up really early one morning and looks over - the dog is still asleep. He realizes if he ever had a chance, this is probably it. So he very quietly gets up and sneaks off to the clearing.

He finds his sheep, drops his trousers and BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK

So he sighs and gives up. They go on as they did before, each time going more inland, but he doesn't try the sheep business again. He never finds another person and resigns himself to his loneliness - at least he has the dog for company.

One day, a few months later, he and the dog were walking down the beach to fish a bit when he sees something off in the distance. DEBRIS! Debris means people! So he picks up his pace and when he gets to the pile he can't believe his eyes! In front of him is an unconscious, beautiful, naked woman covered in seaweed and next to the log she floated on. He is dumbstruck.

He pulls her up and revives her. He brushes the long hair out of her face and looks into her eyes as she comes back to life. She is weak, but appreciative - She reaches up and returns his look, putting her hand on his cheek, and says: "You have saved me...cough cough... you saved my life! I don't know how I can repay you.... I would do anything for you...(she holds his gaze)...Anything..."

The guy looks into her eyes and says...

"Well, if you wouldn't mind holding my dog for about 15 minutes I would be right grateful..."

clearly a Derby fan

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

"I am sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not home. Not getting any at home, but no excuse. Can no longer live with guilt and hope you accept my sincere apology with promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few seconds later, a second text came in:"Damn autocorrect...meant "wifi", not "wife"

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Rocket-Ron

Rocket-Ron

Posted
Posted

I do love a long convoluted build up to a really shit punch line, that makes it not really worth the effort, but somehow even more so, so in keeping with that style:

 

There was this guy who went abroad to buy a dog. It was a rare breed and he had to go through a lot to get it. Even though it was small, it was a breed known for being protective and watchful.

So he goes, buys the dog from the breeder, and gets on a ship to come back to the States. There is a really bad storm and the ship is thrown off course. They end up in some tropical waters eventually, but the damage to the ship was too much and it sinks.

As the ship was sinking, he grabs the dog and a few pieces of wood, but he is pretty bruised and as the ship goes under he gets knocked on the head and passes out, holding a piece of debris and the dog but unconscious.

He eventually wakes up and looks around and realizes he is in sight of land. The dog is still with him and he starts to lamely paddle. They eventually wash up on the shore and lay there for a minute before they start exploring.

Days go by, then months. They set up camp and live their life, this guy and his dog. Every day the guy goes a little farther inland to try to see if there are any people around, but he never sees anyone - just birds and small animals.

So they eat what they can pick, catch or kill, living off the land and it isn't to bad. Guy and Dog.

One day, as they were making their way inland, all of the sudden the trees open up and they come on a clearing. This is the farthest in they had ever come, and he was surprised to find a small flock of sheep grazing in the tropical sun. He thinks that there MUST be folks around if he is seeing sheep, but he looks and looks and never finds another human being.

So he gives up on finding anyone around, the sun is starting to set, and he wants to go back to camp before nightfall, but his dog has run off. He then looks at the flock of sheep and has an idea.

Now, he isn't the kind of guy who gets into animals, but he is LONELY. The feel of a woman a memory months gone and he suddenly feels urgently desperate. So he finds a female sheep, drops his trousers, and is about to do the deed when all of the sudden the dog comes tearing through the underbrush like crazy BARKING BARKING BARKING. Just nuts this dog is. So he gives up, pulls his pants back up, and takes the dog back to camp.

He tries this a couple more times and each time the dog is crazier than the last - barking and circling around him while he is standing there with his pants around his ankles - so he begins to give up on the idea.

He wakes up really early one morning and looks over - the dog is still asleep. He realizes if he ever had a chance, this is probably it. So he very quietly gets up and sneaks off to the clearing.

He finds his sheep, drops his trousers and BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK

So he sighs and gives up. They go on as they did before, each time going more inland, but he doesn't try the sheep business again. He never finds another person and resigns himself to his loneliness - at least he has the dog for company.

One day, a few months later, he and the dog were walking down the beach to fish a bit when he sees something off in the distance. DEBRIS! Debris means people! So he picks up his pace and when he gets to the pile he can't believe his eyes! In front of him is an unconscious, beautiful, naked woman covered in seaweed and next to the log she floated on. He is dumbstruck.

He pulls her up and revives her. He brushes the long hair out of her face and looks into her eyes as she comes back to life. She is weak, but appreciative - She reaches up and returns his look, putting her hand on his cheek, and says: "You have saved me...cough cough... you saved my life! I don't know how I can repay you.... I would do anything for you...(she holds his gaze)...Anything..."

The guy looks into her eyes and says...

"Well, if you wouldn't mind holding my dog for about 15 minutes I would be right grateful..."

I'll save this one till tomorrow. 

Took me long enough read my own..

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