The joke thread

[Trav Le Bleu]

What's the limits for jokes on here..?

 

5

[Webbo]

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. 

 

"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.  

 

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."  

 

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts….. 

 

"Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"  

 

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

[DANGEROUS TIGER]

 

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. 

 

"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.  

 

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."  

 

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts….. 

 

"Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"  

 

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

 

   Love it.

[The Doctor]

Leon Trotsky goes to visit Karl Marx, and while there excuses himself to use the bathroom. As he flushes the toilet, he hears strange, ethereal music. When downstairs, he says to Marx, I think there's something wrong with your toilet, when it flushes I hear this strange, ethereal music. 
"Oh, that? It's just the violins inherent in the cistern.".

[Buce]

Leon Trotsky goes to visit Karl Marx, and while there excuses himself to use the bathroom. As he flushes the toilet, he hears strange, ethereal music. When downstairs, he says to Marx, I think there's something wrong with your toilet, when it flushes I hear this strange, ethereal music.

"Oh, that? It's just the violins inherent in the cistern.".

[fleckneymike]

Driving one dark and stormy evening, and miles from home, a travelling salesman is lost somewhere in the back of beyond when his car breaks down. Having no phone signal he prepares to spend the night sleeping in his car when up on the hill side he spies a distant light.

 

Making his way through the wind and rain he finds himself stood outside the doors of a monastery, having knocked on the door he is greeted by the abbott who promptly invites him in for food and shelter. He sits down for his tea and begins to eat when suddenly the monk next to him shouts out 27 and the room erupts in laughter, a few seconds later and another shout of 11 brings yet more laughter. After a few minutes of this he turns to the abbott and asks "excuse me, but why do you seem to find numbers so funny?"

 

"Ah, you must excuse us, our monastic orders forbid us from swearing and making rude jokes so we have instead given each rude joke we know a number so we can share our love of jokes without going against God's will"

 

"I see, that is a novel way of avoiding sin" replied the salesman

 

"Would you like to tell a joke? asked the abbott

 

"Err, go on then" said the salesman.

 

"Quiet brothers, our guest would like to tell us a joke"

 

The room fell silent and after a bit of thought the salesman said "72". The room erupted in laughter which lasted a good many minutes, when finally the monks had regained some composure the salesman turned to the abbott  and asked "was that a good one then?"

 

"That was brilliant" replied the abbott, "we'd never heard that one before"

[Finnaldo]

Driving one dark and stormy evening, and miles from home, a travelling salesman is lost somewhere in the back of beyond when his car breaks down. Having no phone signal he prepares to spend the night sleeping in his car when up on the hill side he spies a distant light.

Making his way through the wind and rain he finds himself stood outside the doors of a monastery, having knocked on the door he is greeted by the abbott who promptly invites him in for food and shelter. He sits down for his tea and begins to eat when suddenly the monk next to him shouts out 27 and the room erupts in laughter, a few seconds later and another shout of 11 brings yet more laughter. After a few minutes of this he turns to the abbott and asks "excuse me, but why do you seem to find numbers so funny?"

"Ah, you must excuse us, our monastic orders forbid us from swearing and making rude jokes so we have instead given each rude joke we know a number so we can share our love of jokes without going against God's will"

"I see, that is a novel way of avoiding sin" replied the salesman

"Would you like to tell a joke? asked the abbott

"Err, go on then" said the salesman.

"Quiet brothers, our guest would like to tell us a joke"

The room fell silent and after a bit of thought the salesman said "72". The room erupted in laughter which lasted a good many minutes, when finally the monks had regained some composure the salesman turned to the abbott and asked "was that a good one then?"

"That was brilliant" replied the abbott, "we'd never heard that one before"

Is it as straightforward as it seems or am I missing something?

[Captain...]

Is it as straightforward as it seems or am I missing something?

 

A sense of humour?

[Finnaldo]

A sense of humour?

U wot m8

[Beliall]

I lol'd

[Captain...]

U wot m8

U heard, you slaaag...

[Tielemans63]

A policeman pulled me over last night.

He said, "You've got no tax, your rear tyre is completely flat, you've got a can of lager in your hand and you're not wearing a seatbelt!"

I said, "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

I said, "Give me a minute pal, I'm on the phone."

[Tielemans63]

How can you tell if someone is ticklish?

Give them a testicle.

Edited 1 June 2014 by Paddy Akinbiyi

[Beliall]

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My mate opened the door and caught me wanking.

"Don't you ****ing knock?" I yelled.

"Get out of the fridge!" he said.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Just survived a close encounter last night when the Grim Reaper came for me but I managed to fight him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

[separator]

Everyone's blaming me for the animal noises on the video conference at work. Seems I've been made into a Skypegoat.

[cambridgefox]

I'm on a murder charge for killing someone with sandpaper.

I only wanted to rough them up a bit!

[Beliall]

I love how this thread has taken a turn for the cheesy

[Beliall]

I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer. I don't quite know what he laced them with, but i've been tripping all day

[separator]

I always remember the time my Uncle was sent to prison for forgery. It was the same year I stopped getting birthday cards from Pamela Anderson.

Edited 13 June 2014 by separator

[Parafox]

I had a Lebanese curry last night.

 

 

 

Not bad, but I woke up this morning with the Shi'ites.

[Tielemans63]

Why do midgets make terrible parents?

Because they struggle to put food on the table.

[Beliall]

I was having sex with my girlfriend last night, about halfway through I stopped suddenly and held my position inside her.

" what you doing?", she asked

" something I saw in a porno" I replied. " it's called "buffering" "

[Trav Le Bleu]

A panel of Brazilian football legends were asked how well Brazil would do in the World Cup. Most of them said they would reach the final, except for Pele, who said he would be happy with a semi.