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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted

Wayne Rooney is talking to Roy Hodgson.

 

"Boss, I'm not sure what my best position is. Is it the left, right or down the middle?"

 

Roy replies, "Just get on the plane Wayne and sit where you like."

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AKCJ

AKCJ

Posted
Posted (edited)

I just saw that Gabby Logan will be hosting a show called "World greatest female footballer", hopefully it will all go well for her and she could go on to host other hit shows such as "World richest homeless man", and "Worlds tallest midget".

Edited by Andy Kings Crown Jewels
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Bob Weasel Fox

Bob Weasel Fox

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store

buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the

checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did

she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to

do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting

the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended

up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in

intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in

both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that

the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and

simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is

nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it

again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was

now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in

intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I

stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was

laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco. Better watch what you ask

retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft

things to say. Forward this now, (especially) to all your mature

friends...... it will be their laugh for the day. lmao

Stella x

Edited by Bob Weasel Fox
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  • 2 weeks later...
Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted (edited)

The king was off on one of his crusades and as he was leaving he summoned his most loyal knight to him

'Sir Mathew, as my most loyal knight and trusted friend I will leave you the key to the queen's chastity  bel, I know I can rely on you to safeguard her honour.'

'You can indeed sire, the key will not leave my sight,'

 

So the king set off.As he was leaving the castle's gate he heard a voice behind him and turning he saw Sir Mathew approaching on his white steed Dee.

Sire there has been a grave error made.' Panted Sir Mathew.

'Well what is it Mathew?'

'It's the key sire, it's, it's..it's the wrong one.'

Edited by Rincewind
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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Noah today......
In the year 2014, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Somerset and said:
"Once again, the earth has become evil and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the Local Council and the Electric Company demanded a boat load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."

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