The joke thread

[Webbo]

Well I thought it was funny...

So did I. Have a belated rep point.

[Parafox]

So did I. Have a belated rep point.

[Webbo]

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday. 

 

He had a Wigan address.

[Beliall]

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday.

He had a Wigan address.

[Nick]

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday. 

 

He had a Wigan address.

I hate myself for having to read that twice for it to sink in!

[Tielemans63]

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'That may be but you're still ****ing late' replied my boss.

[filbertway]

I hate myself for having to read that twice for it to sink in!

 

Took me three! Was concentrating too much on the set up and not enough on the punchline haha.

[Tinman]

Tom Ince turned down Inter and will now play his football at Nottingham Forest - That's like turning down a blow job for a pat on the head.

[Unabomber]

Tom Ince turned down Inter and will now play his football at Nottingham Forest - That's like turning down a blow job for a pat on the head.

4 clubs in a year says it all

[Bayfox]

Most sound like Milton Jones efforts.

as I read them all I could here was him.

but the hoover one is the one that got voted best joke at this years Edinburgh festival, tim vines joke.

[Stadt]

4 clubs in a year says it all

I doth think the intent is there

[Buce]

The missus was well horny last night: she said, "give me 9 inches and make me bleed".

So I fvcked her 3 times and punched her in the mouth.

[bovril]

The missus was well horny last night: she said, "give me 9 inches and make me bleed".

So I fvcked her 3 times and punched her in the mouth.

 

Subtle humour, I like it

[yorkie1999]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry, mate.

I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been
helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around, in
fact more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I
can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest

apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his
gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments
later, a second text came in:

Bloody auto-spell !

 

I meant "wifi", not "wife". 

[bovril]

A guy came up to me in the pub last week and said: "I'd like you to run a football club in Sheffield, what's your availability?".

 

I said: "I can't manage Wednesday".

[MPH]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry, mate.

I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been

helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around, in

fact more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I

can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest

apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his

gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments

later, a second text came in:

Bloody auto-spell !

 

I meant "wifi", not "wife". 

Did you know that your spouse can now have her cataract operation over the Internet?

All you need is a wife-eye connection.

[MPH]

Just bought myself a Leicester city centre advent calendar.

Trouble is most of the windows have been boarded up

[ozleicester]

I just told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised

[MPH]

I just told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised

 

 

[yorkie1999]

The inventor of the riot shield has died. Lets have 2 minutes of violence. 

[Trav Le Bleu]

It turns out that the ESA's recent problems with getting their lander to touchdown came about because their lander wasn't touchy philae.

[Russell sprout]

Last night I went to bed to read a book,

Within a few minutes the mrs said 'you want sex'

I replied 'no I don't'

She said again 'you want ****in sex'

I replied 'no I ****in don't'

She then said 'so why do you keep shoving you fingers in my minge then'

I said 'because it's easier to turn the ****ing pages'.

[Tielemans63]

So Jessica Ennis will ask for her name to be removed from Sheffield United's stand if they resign Ched Evans.

I'm going to propose renaming it "The Ched Evans One Night Stand"

[Beliall]

So Jessica Ennis will ask for her name to be removed from Sheffield United's stand if they resign Ched Evans.

I'm going to propose renaming it "The Ched Evans One Night Stand"

 

just choked on my biscuit

[Rincewind]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his prostrate examination.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'