The joke thread

[Beliall]

[Buce]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his prostrate examination.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the

previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,

and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

How would lying face-down help? Edited 16 November 2014 by Buce

[separator]

Just got a job organising a nativity play in Nottingham.

God knows how I'll find 3 wise men and a virgin for it.

[Trav Le Bleu]

I wasn't aware that you could actually physically dodge influenza, but today some told me, "Duck, flu!"

[Trav Le Bleu]

Just got a job organising a nativity play in Nottingham.

God knows how I'll find 3 wise men and a virgin for it.

 

Plenty of asses.

 

Dunno about shepherds, but just up the A52 there's loads of people with an affinity for sheep.

[Webbo]

I was so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.

 

 

I'm now at the hospital having them removed!

[MikeyT]

 I once gave a pony a throat lozenge. I could tell he was a little hoarse.

[MikeyT]

Last night I went to bed to read a book,

Within a few minutes the mrs said 'you want sex'

I replied 'no I don't'

She said again 'you want ****in sex'

I replied 'no I ****in don't'

She then said 'so why do you keep shoving you fingers in my minge then'

I said 'because it's easier to turn the ****ing pages'.

[Tielemans63]

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

[Beliall]

[MPH]

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey... but I turned myself around...

[Jonaldinho]

Pokey?

[Merging Cultures]

Pokey?

 

That's what the Americans sing. Very annoying.

Edited 26 November 2014 by Merging Cultures

[cambridgefox]

I can't speak for anyone else,but I'm a terrible ventriloquist !

[Buce]

I can't speak for anyone else,but I'm a terrible ventriloquist !

Rubbish - you're talking out of someone else's arse..

[Trav Le Bleu]

That's what the Americans sing. Very annoying.

 

But isn't MPH English and only gone over there a couple of years ago? In which case, shame on you for assimilating so easily MPH.

[MPH]

But isn't MPH English and only gone over there a couple of years ago? In which case, shame on you for assimilating so easily MPH.

:-(

Guilty as charged. It's amazing how quickly you forget things... been here 5 years in March.

( bombarded with American kids tv now I have a son! Even Bob the builder has an American accent here and Thomas the tank engine has become Thomas the train!)

Edited 29 November 2014 by MPH

[Trav Le Bleu]

Thomas the Train!

 

The annoying part of that is that I guess very few kids in England would know what a tank engine is if it wasn't for Thomas. It's like American's are unwilling (or unable ) to learn any new cultural references.

[Rincewind]

Thomas the Train does not sound right even though it may be a more accurate description.

[Beliall]

not more accurate really, a train is a loco plus carriages, thomas is a tank engine, or locomotive

[VLC86]

Leicester city.

[Parafox]

_{Looking for someone to do some odd jobs around my garden, I phoned a number in the classified ads...}

 

_{"Hi, are you a handy-man"? Iasked.}

 

_{"Depends where you live" He replied}

[RonnieTodger]

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous 

Edited 1 December 2014 by RonnieTodger

[Nalis]

I always wanted to be a procrastinator but I kept putting it off.

[Captain...]

Have you guys opened your crackers early?

Edited 1 December 2014 by Captain...